For many of us, if not most, anxiety can be an enormous life distraction. We can find ourselves spending our time worrying about what lies ahead, doubting whether we will measure up, wondering how we will face a confrontation, or being apprehensive about any of a hundred other challenges life throws our way. Our anxiety might feel like a gnawing sense of concern, or it can feel like an all-consuming worry.
Interestingly, the very presence and level of our anxiety are more likely to be based on our fears and perceptions than on reality. We can easily obsess about a situation that may have few real implications—or none whatsoever. We might constantly replay a situation that is behind us when everyone else has moved on. Or we may catastrophize an outcome that has yet to be determined and will likely not be as bad as we imagine. Fortunately, there are steps and strategies we can employ to counter our anxiety and lessen its weight. Here are seven of the most common anxiety-producing behaviors and practical ways to counter them.
Negative self-talk. Telling ourselves that we are not capable and are likely to fail or otherwise undermining our self-confidence can be especially harmful and anxiety producing. Unfortunately, we may not be fully aware of how negatively we talk to ourselves. Becoming conscious of our self-talk can be an important first step. We also need to remember that our brains pay attention to what is repeated; the more we tell ourselves negative things, the more our brains pay attention to those things.
Counter strategy:
We must pay close attention to what we tell ourselves and consciously shift our negative self-talk to become more positive. Mantras and affirmations can help. The more often we practice speaking positively to ourselves, the less anxiety we generate and must deal with. Of course, speaking positively and confidently about ourselves to others can also be a helpful counter strategy.
Avoidance. If a situation, interaction, or task is creating anxiety for us, we may try to find ways to avoid it. While it may seem that staying away from a circumstance that makes us anxious should make it better, doing so often increases our anxiety. Avoiding a needed conversation, delaying an important decision, or refusing to complete a time-sensitive task can increase our anxiety, while also making the situation worse.
Counter strategy:
Of course, the most direct and obvious counter strategy is to face the situation and get it over with. Usually, the experience is far less negative and uncomfortable than we imagine. Reminding ourselves of situations in the past that we faced and survived, and even succeeded in, can sometimes help. When we need an intermediate step, we might approach the situation incrementally. Breaking a task into parts and completing aspects of the work can be reassuring and diminish our reluctance. Taking the step of scheduling a conversation can give us the courage to go forward. This also is a time when positive self-talk can help us gain the confidence to act.
Either/or thinking. Seeing most things as either good or bad and not recognizing what lies between or what represents the gray area can leave us with little room for nuance and flexibility. Consequently, we can be caught up in reaching extreme conclusions that have no basis. For example, we might overlook a detail in a task, make a mistake in our communication, or misspeak in a presentation, and in response, our either/or thinking leads us to conclude that we are incompetent. Even worse, we worry that others think so, too.
Counter strategy:
The fact is that we all are human. We all make mistakes. Concluding that a misstep is evidence of incompetence is to overlook the reality of life that mistakes may be reminders or opportunities to learn from the experience, but they are rarely not fixable. It is even rarer that are they recalled for very long by others. Life is filled with nuance. Recognizing that most of life exists between the extremes can be reassuring and freeing.
Overthinking. We can become stuck in a loop of replaying our thoughts, reviewing every possible implication from a conversation, or attempting to predict every possible outcome in a situation. Overthinking can magnify issues and divert our energy from places where our thinking might have a useful outcome. As a result, we can find ourselves exhausted, confused, and unable to decide, let go, and move on.
Counter strategy:
Whether we find ourselves replaying an event or situation over in our head or worrying about every possible outcome, we need to recognize what is happening before we can employ a strategy to counter it. Fortunately, there are several steps we can take to counter this tendency. We might set a time limit to avoid being caught in an endless thought loop. We can challenge our thinking by asking ourselves questions such as, “What is the worse probable outcome?” or “Am I blowing this situation out of proportion?” A realistic assessment of the situation can often break the thought pattern. We also might commit to focusing on the elements we can control and then decide what actions to take. Finally, we can accept that imperfection is natural, mistakes will happen, and it is okay to not have all the answers.
Second-guessing. Second-guessing is related to overthinking, but it typically happens after we have reached a decision or taken an action. We may feel uncertain about our choice, wonder if we considered everything, and worry about opportunities we left behind. Our anxiety might be heightened if we gain new information or discover additional implications after having decided.
Counter strategy:
Sometimes we can realize that we did not make the best decision and revisit and change it. However, second guessing is most common when the decision has already been made, and then it is time to move on. Rather than becoming preoccupied by whether we made the right decision, we can focus on the fact that we made the best decision we could with the information we had at the time. Few complex and important decisions are made perfectly. They almost always require trade-offs. Instead of marinating on something we cannot change, we can shift our focus to making the best of the situation. In many circumstances, the value and wisdom of a decision resides more in what we do after the decision than in the decision itself.
Fearing the worst. While waiting to learn an outcome or fearing the arrival of bad news, our anxiety can grow, even though we do not know if what we learn will be negative. Also referred to as catastrophizing, convincing ourselves that the worst will happen and that we will not be able to deal with it can be daunting. The combination of expecting catastrophe and doubting our ability to cope with it can feel overwhelming.
Counter strategy:
Certainly, reminding ourselves that the worst case is only one of the possible outcomes can help us to gain perspective. Resolving ourselves to wait and deal with the outcome when we know it can help. In the meantime, we might consider what we can do and how we might cope should the worst case become reality. Often, it is the unknown and unexamined outcome that is so scary. Developing options and creating plans for what we might do if the worst happens can help us to uncover steps, strategies, and alternatives that reassure and give us confidence that we will survive.
Needing to please others. Preoccupation with what others think about us and feeling that we need to please them in order for them to like us can create an insatiable need that accelerates our anxiety. We can find ourselves parsing other people’s words to find reassurance. Consequently, an off-hand comment or meaningless observation can put us in an unfounded anxious spin.
Counter strategy:
We can start by reminding ourselves that the most important opinion is the opinion we have of ourselves. When we are true to ourselves and make decisions based on our needs, values, and goals, we become more likeable than when we constantly ruminate on the opinions and observations of others. This perspective does not mean that we ignore the needs and perspectives of others. We can care, give, and please others if we do not lose our sense of ourselves. Importantly, in the long term, people with whom we experience the healthiest relationships value who we are, not whether our goal is to please them.
Regardless of its source, anxiety is an uncomfortable feeling and can be a barrier to our best thinking and work. By recognizing the source of our anxiety and taking steps to counter it, we can minimize its impact and find the freedom to be our best selves. Of course, if high levels of anxiety persist and we are unable to let them go, it may be time to seek professional help and support.
