This time of year is emotionally challenging for many students. The holidays can be a time of uncertainty and stress. Relationships formed earlier in the year may not be going well or may have disintegrated. The end of the calendar year may include challenges and deadlines that are disruptive to families. Meanwhile, colder weather and fewer hours of sunlight can lead to emotional stress and dips in mental health. The list could go on.
Of course, we, too, might be experiencing stress, pressure, disappointment, and uncertainty that make it challenging to sense our students’ struggles and respond in helpful and supportive ways. As a result, we can misstep, overstep, or under-respond to students who need our attention and support.
Admittedly, these may not be easy or comfortable situations. However, with a few reminders, we can avoid some of the most common mistakes and missteps in response to student emotional challenges. Here are six “potholes” worthy of our reflection and avoidance as we enter the holiday season.
Assuming—We might think that we know or can predict why a student is upset. Yet, what is causing the student’s emotions may actually have nothing at all to do with what we assume. Our jumping to conclusions can leave the student feeling unheard, misunderstood, and discounted.
Instead: We can put aside our preconceived notions and ask open-ended questions that invite the student to share what they are feeling and why. Our interest can lead to understanding, and our concern will be reassuring. Meanwhile, we will not have to backtrack and apologize for assuming that we knew what we did not.
Shaming—We can be tempted to tell a student variations of “get over it,” “toughen up,” or “just ignore it.” However, even when we softly convey those sentiments, we discount the student’s concern and risk sending the message that what they are feeling is not worthy, that expressing emotion is not acceptable, or that they should be ashamed.
Instead: We need to reassure students that it is natural to experience strong emotions, even when they are negative. Everyone goes through times when they face difficult circumstances and struggle. We can normalize the expression of emotion as a sign of strength, not weakness.
Overlooking—We might be busy or distracted, only to discover that we missed or misinterpreted multiple clues that a student needed our attention and support. Students do not always verbally or directly tell us when they are struggling. They do not always reach out and request our help. Yet, they may be sending multiple messages via shifts in their behavior and body language or through other nonverbal cues.
Instead: We can be mindful and observant of our students’ behavior. When a talkative student suddenly goes silent, a usually even-tempered student immediately becomes agitated, or a demonstrative student withdraws, we need to check in with them in an inquiring, non-judgmental manner.
Abandoning—We might have an initial conversation with a student that seems to help and then we move on to other things. Yet, the student may still be struggling and may need more support. Or we may promise to do or provide something but neglect to follow up or follow through.
Instead: Make it a point to check back with distraught students to see how they are doing and if they need anything. Following up and following through builds trust and communicates that we value our students and their well-being.
Pressing—We might think that we can convince upset students to let go and move forward quickly or that we have given them a solution to their situation that they should accept and implement immediately. We might feel the urgency of students getting back to work, but we need to remember that moving beyond intense emotions such as anxiety, worry, and grief takes time. Pressing during these times can leave students feeling unheard or misunderstood. As a result, their feelings may intensify.
Instead: We can step back and give students time to process their feelings and regain composure. We might suggest a break, moving to a private space, or even a few minutes to calm themselves. Of course, we need to reassure the student that we are available if they need to talk more.
Overreacting—Sometimes the emotions students are feeling touch a pain point in our emotions or stimulates a strong reaction in us. We might react harshly or become emotional ourselves. In either case, we risk escalating the student’s emotional state, setting off a power struggle, or struggling to deal with our own emotions.
Instead: We can focus on remaining calm and in control. Rather than reacting, we might respond by recognizing that the student is upset and inquire about what is causing it. Also, giving the situation some time by pausing, taking a deep breath, or physically stepping back can create space for us to gain control and avoid making the situation worse. Later, we can reflect on why we reacted so strongly and what we may need to do to feel better.
Dealing with emotions is hard. The challenge is even greater for young people as they navigate relationships, mature, and encounter many of life’s experiences for the first time. Obviously, we cannot always prevent or change their feelings, nor can we solve all their emotional difficulties. However, we can be ready with our attention, support, encouragement, and patience. Very often, that is enough.
