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Grudges Are Heavy: How to Lighten the Load

By this time of year, we have experienced a great deal. We have achieved our share of victories, accomplished many important tasks, and met several difficult challenges. However, we may not see all these reasons to celebrate and feel good because of the thoughtless or insensitive—or even intentionally hurtful—actions or words of others.

The damage can be even worse when we find ourselves struggling or when we are unable to let go of what happened, release the resulting emotions, and move forward. Grudges can be invisible barriers to experiencing the happiness and emotional freedom we deserve. Consider these consequences when we find ourselves carrying resentments for past actions.

Grudges allow others to “live rent free” in our minds. Holding a grudge means that we remain conscious of or even preoccupied with what someone did to us. We revisit the experience when we see the person, someone mentions the person, or we even think about them. Our preoccupation with what was said or done—and our inability to let go of the incident—might be compared to their living in our heads, occupying valuable space.

Holding a grudge repeats the hurt. In fact, grudges can do more damage to us than the original actions that hurt us. Replaying the incident often refreshes the memory and fuels the emotions that initially gave rise to the grudge. While the incident itself likely happened only once, our replaying it in our minds can have the effect of being hurt repeatedly.

Grudges are a kind of trap. They can leave us looping through anger, resentment, bitterness, and hopelessness, and we can even feel as though we are stuck with no way “out.” Our anger can drain our energy and steal our happiness; as a result, we become bitter, and our bitterness can leave us feeling weak and resigned to our negative feelings.

Grudges can steal our physical and mental health. The emotional toll that can accompany a grudge may compromise our immune system and leave us vulnerable to colds, flu, and other ailments. Holding grudges can also create chronic stress, raise our anxiety, and lead to depression.

Obviously, these are not pleasant consequences. Few of us would choose to experience them without a strong reason to do so. However, grudges (especially those that are the result of significant actions and have been held for extended time) are not easy to abandon.

Fortunately, we have some excellent models for letting go and choosing not to carry the burden that grudges represent; Mahatma Gandhi and Nelson Mandela come to mind. Certainly, both individuals had ample reason to resent how they were treated in their lives and hold significant grudges, yet they chose to rise above their circumstances and feelings, achieve great things, and actively pursue—and experience—happiness.

So, how might we go about letting go of a grudge? Here are five steps to take:

Accept what happened. We might consider it a learning opportunity, a lesson in behavior, or an unintentional incident. The key is to accept, rather than mentally fight, what happened.
Do not hold out for an apology. We can only control ourselves, our own actions and reactions. Our choice to let go may be all we need or can expect. Letting go of expectations for the behavior of someone else can be freeing.
Choose to forgive. Forgiveness has more to do with us than with the person whom we are forgiving. Interestingly, the origin of the word “forgive” is to “give for” or “replace.” When we forgive, we free ourselves to replace resentment and blame with peace, freedom, and even empathy.
Refocus on what is important and controllable. Grudges can commandeer significant time and energy. When we choose to let go of a grudge, we can invest our attention, commitment, and talents elsewhere. We might take on a project, commit to a mission, or perform a service that will bring us satisfaction and renew our spirit.
Commit to not allow another to occupy space in your mind unless you invite them. Choosing to spend time and give our attention to the people who care about us and for whom we care can be a welcome and refreshing change to carrying a weighty grudge.

It is inevitable that we will encounter thoughtless, careless, and insensitive people, even people who are intentionally and unapologetically unkind—or just downright mean. We need to remember that what others say and do is less important than how we choose to respond. Their control over us is limited to what we choose to allow.

Try These Six Counterintuitive Learning Strategies

In Your Corner, Student Learning

March 14, 2024

Try These Six Counterintuitive Learning Strategies

Much about teaching and learning feels intuitive and at least somewhat straightforward. After all, we as educators identify what we want students to learn, organize and introduce the content or skill, have students practice, and then assess whether it was learned. Yet, no single strategy works every time, with every student, or in every situation.

It is also true that not every strategy that builds learning is obvious. In fact, some of the most useful learning strategies start with and include elements that we initially might not consider or assume to be effective. Still, they can add variety, novelty, and substance to learning efforts.

We need to fill our teaching toolbox with as many options and alternatives as possible. Our students, too, need to know and have available a wide range of strategies upon which they can draw as they encounter learning challenges. Here are six learning approaches we can employ and teach our students that may at first seem counterintuitive; however, they have a strong and supportive research base, so we do not have to feel as though we are taking a risk.

First, trying before teaching. We might think that this approach could get in the way of learning, but presenting students with problems to solve or challenges to attack before teaching new skills and sharing information can have a surprisingly positive impact. While we need to be careful to not allow frustration levels to get too high or push learners to the point of giving up, struggling with unknowns, testing hypotheses, and even making guesses can prepare students for learning. The experience can stimulate students’ interest, tap their desire to succeed, build anticipation for instruction, accelerate learning, and extend recall. We might even collect questions students generate during their preview to inform our instruction and avoid repeating background knowledge that students already possess.

Second, mining mistakes. Mistakes are often seen as “must-avoids” in the learning process. Students fear that mistakes will embarrass them, count against them, or make them appear unintelligent. Yet, mistakes can be rich sources for dispelling misconceptions, untangling confusion, and identifying better strategies. However, we need to make mistakes safe, encourage analysis, and focus on learning when they occur.

Third, cherishing challenges. Many students believe that if they struggle when learning, they must not be smart. Yet, struggle is an integral part of learning. Struggle signals that what is being learned is new, not repetition of past learning. In fact, we help our students to become better learners when we design struggle into their learning. When students find learning challenging, they are more likely to focus and fully engage their brains. Consequently, they are more likely to grasp and remember what they are learning. Struggle may even lead to mistakes that can clarify what does not work or is not correct, thus inviting further investigation and building understanding.

Fourth, boosting with breaks. Taking regular breaks to focus on something other than what is being learned can feel counterintuitive. How might not studying lead to more learning? The answer is that when we have been engaged in intense learning activities and take a brief break to engage in something else such as taking a walk, listening to music, or another less mentally demanding activity, our brain continues to sort, organize, and make connections. As a result, when we return to learning, we may see things we missed, make connections we did not see, and find implications that had escaped us earlier. The good news is that breaks as short as a few minutes can be beneficial.

Fifth, spacing strategically. Many learners assume that extended, vigorous study is the best way to learn. Yet, attempting to focus until the point of exhaustion is often counterproductive. Despite detailed notetaking, repetitive reading, and highlighting content, a significant portion is likely to be forgotten and lost. A more effective, but counterintuitive, approach is to engage in shorter periods of focused study, followed by extended time away from what is being learned. Known as distributive practice, studying followed by hours or days engaged in other activities and then returning to reengage and refresh what has been learned leads to deeper understanding and longer retention.

Sixth, helping with humor. We might think of learning as serious business that leaves no room for levity. Yet, mixing humor with learning can reduce stress, inject positive emotions, and make the experience more pleasurable—all contributors to learning success. Further, when we associate positive emotions with what we are learning, we often extend our ability to recall. Of course, we need to be careful to avoid humor that may be disrespectful or hurtful or that comes at someone’s expense.

The more strategies we can share with our students, the better prepared they will be when they encounter unique learning challenges. When students feel stuck, we want them to understand that they need a new or different strategy. It is not that they are incapable of learning.

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