Every year, we schedule a variety of annual check-ups to maintain optimal health. We see a doctor to review our physical health. We make appointments with a dentist to check our oral health. We may schedule an appointment with the optometrist to evaluate our vision and eye health, and many people even see a dermatologist once a year for a skin check. We also schedule check-ups for other nonorganic but important systems on which we depend, like inspections and service appointments for our vehicles or appointments for technicians to check our home heating and cooling systems. The list could go on.
The point is that we need to take care of the systems and processes in our lives that can have an important impact on our health, comfort, and success. We want to prevent problems from developing where we can and identify the emergence of potentially serious problems before they become disruptive, expensive, or even dangerous.
With this responsibility in mind, there is another activity that deserves an annual check-up and should be added to our list. Even if our hearing itself is good, we may need to give attention to whether we are truly listening at an optimal level. Are we listening clearly and completely? Or are we developing behaviors that may lead us to miss important information, misinterpret intended messages, or even stifle open communication? Like other important processes, our listening skills can deteriorate over time, and we can find ourselves developing inefficient, ineffective listening habits.
It is customary for annual check-ups to involve a checklist of areas and elements that often need cleaning up or fixing. Check-ups also often include adjustments and corrections we can make to improve functions and operations going forward. Consider these ten items as you conduct a review of your listening skills, habits, and actions.
Item #1: Do you find that, occasionally, in conversations you just sort of passively listen and miss information?
Improvement opportunity: Focus on what is said. Notice the tone. Observe nonverbal cues like facial expressions and body language. Resist trying to “mind read” by making assumptions or unwarranted connections about what is said. Clarify details if you find yourself confused or unsure.
Item #2: Do you focus on your response while the other person is still speaking?
Improvement opportunity: Give your full attention to hearing before deciding how you might respond. Trust yourself to find the right words to communicate your message. Listen to hear, not to respond.
Item #3: Do you try to compete with or one-up the other participant(s) in conversations?
Improvement opportunity: Resist making conversations a competition. Acknowledge the other person’s message. Make your goal to celebrate or empathize, not to overshadow.
Item #4: Do people often respond to you by saying, “That’s not what I meant”?
Improvement opportunity: Confirm your understanding of what the other person said before attempting to respond. It can help when you begin your response by saying, “What I’m hearing you say is…” so that the other person has a chance to correct a misinterpretation. Or, if you are confused, simply ask for clarification.
Item #5: Do you occasionally hear statements like “I don’t feel like you’re listening?”
Improvement opportunity: Concentrate on your attending skills. Watch your eye contact and nonverbal responses. Avoid distractions and competing activities. And, of course, listen actively.
Item #6: Do your emotions occasionally become barriers to your listening?
Improvement opportunity: Resist becoming defensive or interrupting, even (read: especially) when it’s hard. Take a breath. If you need to bring your emotions under control, pause before responding or, if necessary, pause the conversation and return to it later by saying something like “You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’ll need some time to reflect on this.”
Item #7: Do you sometimes tune people out before they finish speaking?
Improvement opportunity: Guard against allowing biases, negative experiences, and perceptions of the person or their message to get in the way of your listening. Commit to suspending judgment until you have had a chance to hear and reflect on the message. All too often, we can allow our preconceived notions to stand in the way of what is actually being communicated.
Item #8: Do you occasionally find that you heard the words spoken but missed the underlying message?
Improvement opportunity: While listening, search for what is not said in addition to what is said. If you sense that there is more to the message than you hear, ask for additional details. Also, confirm your understanding of what you think might be the implications or underlying message.
Item #9: Do you sometimes miss information because you are distracted or thinking of other things while trying to listen?
Improvement opportunity: Dedicate your attention to one activity at a time. Stop what you are doing to listen or ask the other person to wait until you can give them your full attention. You could say something like “Hang on one second while I finish this email. I want to be able to give you my full attention.”
Item #10: Do you find that, following a conversation, you sometimes cannot recall key information, details, or decisions made?
Improvement opportunity: Take time at the conclusion of the conversation to summarize what you heard and recap any follow-up actions or commitments agreed to. The summary will confirm everyone’s understanding. Meanwhile, your repetition of the information will strengthen your recall. If necessary, also take a minute to record any commitments that will require your attention.
At face value, listening seems simple enough, but in actuality, it is a challenging activity. It requires focus, openness, nuance, and judgment. Yet, listening well is a crucial skill and key factor in developing and maintaining relationships. It is worth doing well. An occasional review and recalibration can help us to move from just hearing to really listening.
