The Master Teacher Blog

When we experience positive energy emanating from others, we tend to feel happier, safer, and more relaxed. On the other hand, when we sense negative energy, we often become tense, depressed, deflated, and less secure. We are remarkably sensitive to the energy vibes we pick up from around us, and others are susceptible to ours. The influence does not always even require words; we can feel it in the atmosphere.

The energy we project and perceive in others is more than an abstract idea. It is a real, experienceable force. It is also infectious. It influences our interactions with others and their interactions with us. Energy is a source for forming relationships and it is an influence we can tap into, whether you are an administrator working with teachers and other staff, or as a teacher working with students.

Occasionally, we encounter what might be considered “energy vampires." They consistently project gloom, doom, negativity, and cynicism. They sap our energy and challenge our optimism. The key is to recognize who may be sapping our energy, leaving us depressed, and feeling pessimistic. To the extent we can, these are people to avoid or spend as little time with as practical. They are free to choose negative energy as their vibe, but we can choose not to be infected.

Of course, at times we can all feel negative. Events, experiences, and even our current mood can leave us feeling energy depleted, but it is important not to stay there. We have the power and responsibility to manage the energy we carry with us and project to others.

Beyond the role of energy in our personal and collegial relationships, it also plays an instrumental role in our effectiveness with the staff we supervise and the students we teach. Let’s examine seven connections via which our energy is communicated and influences our work with staff and students.

Inspiration. Enthusiasm matters. Students respond to teachers who are passionate and truly care about their teaching. In conjunction, teachers can sense the passion and commitment of their leadership team. This energy feeds creativity, stimulates curiosity, and stirs passion. The result often is the emergence of new possibilities and the inspiration to pursue them.

Responsiveness. Staff and students are quick to pick up on supportive, interest-infused attitudes. Our open-mindedness, desire to understand, readiness to encourage, and shared confidence communicates the respect and support they need to add fuel to their energy and reinforce their commitment.

Authenticity. Others notice when we are comfortable in our skin. When we signal that we are not perfect or all knowing, we become more human and approachable. Our willingness to share our experiences and value humor also makes us more relatable. Our authenticity draws others to us; it is reassuring and trust evoking. When we model authenticity, we also make it safe for staff and students to let go of their expectations to appear to be perfect and never make mistakes.

Empathy. Caring is a powerful source and transmitter of energy. Trust thrives in accepting, nurturing, and supportive environments. Students feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings, and staff feel respected and valued. As a result, their confidence and commitment grow.

Adaptability. We demonstrate positive energy when we look for the upside of situations without being naïve or overly optimistic. Our flexibility in the face of barriers and setbacks models resilience and agility. Our commitment to be proactive and ready to try something different communicates confidence and optimism; two energizing habits.

Consistency. Clear expectations and structure can give staff and students reassurance and reduce the energy they must spend trying to discern what is expected of them. Consistency also generates a sense of calm and predictability, a key element in sustaining energy for engagement and resilience.

Of course, there are times when we, too, want to find energy to be inspired and need to feel reassured. We may seek security and authenticity on which we can depend. The same connections and influences we often share with others can be sources of energy we can tap into to fill our needs.

Conversations about bias are not new, but there has been a more recent trend addressing the implicit biases that we develop naturally through the experiences we have, the experiences we don’t have, how we interpret our experiences, and what we learn from others. Biases influence what we believe about people and what happens to and around us. They influence our expectations, interpretations, and interactions with others, including our students.

Biases are invisible yet omnipresent. They subtly and persistently influence how we see and engage with our students, and as an extension, they can shape how our students experience learning in our classrooms. Our biases can influence our students’ emotional state and psychological development, and they can hold the potential to undermine our efforts and our students’ learning. Let’s explore five of the most common biases that haunt our classrooms and how we can counter them.

Expectancy bias. Also known as the Pygmalion Effect, this bias allows our perceptions of students’ potential to drive what we expect, how we support, and how we evaluate the work and behavior of students. Multiple research studies have shown this bias to have a significant effect on how well students learn and perform. This may be good news for students whom we perceive to be talented, but it is very bad news for students we perceive as having low potential. Expectancy bias can also influence student behavior. Students whom we perceive as well behaved can more easily be given extra chances and the benefit of the doubt, while students perceived as mischievous, sneaky, or otherwise prone to misbehavior are often blamed and punished more frequently and harshly.

How to counter: We can avoid expectancy bias by having high expectations for all students and not allowing past performance to shape our beliefs about their future potential. We might commit to supporting all students to build their potential. We can also focus on individual student progress rather than comparing the performance of some students to others.

Gender bias. This bias involves different perceptions about female and male students. As examples, girls are assumed to share characteristics such as being more likely to demonstrate good behavior and skills in reading and writing but not being as likely to demonstrate strong skills in math and science. Boys are seen as more prone to mischief and leadership roles and not as strong in communication and relationships. While there may be some natural gender-related tendencies present, girls and boys share more characteristics than not. Girls commonly demonstrate strengths and interests often attributed to boys, and boys often excel in areas that are perceived to favor girls.

How to counter: We can start by being conscious of the language we use, the assumptions we make, and the behaviors we practice that reinforce gender labels. We might make it a point to balance opportunities for participation, responsibilities, and leadership. Further, we can encourage and support students—regardless of gender—to enroll and excel in a wide variety of academic and career-related subjects.

Stereotype bias. Socioeconomic status, ethnic background, race, and other factors can play a role in how we see and interact with our students. We may hold lower expectations for these students’ learning and expose them to less rigorous curricular content. We may make negative assumptions about their likely behavior and commitment to learning. We may even press them less to perform than we do for other students.

How to counter: We can regularly check ourselves and our beliefs to be certain that we are not expecting or supporting these students’ learning less than that of our other students. We can focus on each student as an individual, value their strengths, and support their growth. We also need to review instructional materials and resources to avoid reinforcing stereotypes and to ensure positive models for learning.

Affinity bias. We sometimes encounter students with whom we feel a stronger than usual sense of connection. We may share similar personalities, backgrounds, interests, or even certain life challenges. Even without consciously deciding to do so, we can give these students more attention, encouragement, support, and positive feedback than other students. While the students who experience our affinity may benefit, other students often pick up on what they see as favoritism. As a result, they can feel unseen, ignored, or even disliked, and those can lead to feelings of resentment; meanwhile, the student who is the object of our affinity can experience separation, teasing, and jealousy from classmates.

How to counter: Being aware of our feelings and the consequence of showing favoritism is a good start. We might also be careful to provide equitable feedback and attention to all students. We could even go as far as collecting data on our interactions to ensure an equitable distribution exists among all students.

Confirmation bias. When we have a preferred approach or have done something in a certain way for some time, we can assume that it is the best way to do it, even when there is evidence that other approaches work better, at least in some circumstances. Equally challenging, when trying alternative approaches and strategies, we can find ourselves paying closest attention to information that supports what we expect rather than objectively evaluating evidence. Confirmation bias can leave us clinging to practices that are not effective or that are not as effective as other options and approaches.

How to counter: Commit to having current practices prove themselves. Start with an expectation that a different approach might be better, and collect evidence in an attempt to prove it. Allow the evidence, rather than pre-existing beliefs, to determine the outcome. However, be certain to practice the alternative approach long enough to become proficient before making a judgment.

Biases can be destructive, but they are not inevitable—and we are not helpless to them. We can educate and equip ourselves to understand and overcome their presence and their impact. Our commitment to our students can be the motivating force.

Last week was Teacher Appreciation Week, which often features special events, thank-you activities, notes written by students, and sometimes even parent expressions of gratitude. These gestures are important and can be meaningful ways to convey appreciation. It is good, after all, to have your work and contributions recognized.

However, the most meaningful expressions of appreciation often come from another source: our colleagues. The people we work with every day understand the stresses and strains of teaching better than others who may observe or benefit from our efforts. Appreciation from a colleague comes from a place of camaraderie, insight, and shared experience.

Now that Teacher Appreciation Week has passed, consider taking time to share your appreciation for the people you work with each day. Maybe that’s someone who helps you to be successful or who makes your days a little easier or brighter. It might be someone who makes important contributions to the shared work of the staff or who goes the extra mile to support students. Or maybe it’s someone who just needs to be appreciated and encouraged.

Honoring, recognizing, and appreciating colleagues does not have to be expensive or time consuming, and doing so can send powerful messages of respect and value. Equally important, these messages are made more meaningful coming from someone who truly understands the demands and challenges that define life as an educator.

Want some ideas? Here are a dozen appreciation-sharing ideas to stimulate your thinking. Not every idea is appropriate for every colleague, so think about what your colleagues will appreciate and find meaningful.

1. Share your smile. Smiles are powerful expressions, and multiple research studies have shown that smiles are actually contagious. Having someone smile and make eye contact with us signals recognition and respect. A friendly smile during a challenging day can be a powerful spirit lifter.
2. Ask how a colleague is doing and really listen. Too often, people inquire about others without real interest and then fail to listen to their response. Slowing down, asking sincerely, and listening carefully can send an authentic message about our caring and appreciation that person.
3. Invite a colleague to spend quality time together. Choosing to spend quality time with someone—whether at a campus activity or social event or just to visit—can send a powerful message of caring and appreciation about them as individuals.
4. Offer a sincere and specific compliment. Of course, the most direct way to share appreciation is to tell someone we appreciate them and why. Want more impact? Studies have shown that when we include enough detail to extend our message for as little as twenty seconds, it becomes even more powerful and memorable.
5. Write a note of appreciation. Handwritten communication is increasingly rare in today’s technology-dominated world. Sharing appreciation in writing not only demonstrates an investment of time and effort, but the note can also become an important keepsake or bulletin-board reminder for its recipient. They may refer back to it during times of doubt or insecurity. At the very least, it will have made them feel seen and valued.
6. Bring them a treat. Coffee, tea, a baked good, their favorite snack—thinking of someone as we pick up a beverage and/or treat and gifting them a boost of energy can be a great way to show appreciation and show that we pay attention to their likes and dislikes. It can also be a timely opportunity to start the day by checking in with a valued and respected colleague. Very few people are made unhappier by being given a treat!
7. Share a useful tip, helpful strategy, or needed resource. When we find an approach or strategy that works well, choosing to share it can communicate connection. Saving someone time or helping them to secure a needed resource can be a great way to show appreciation.
8. Volunteer to lighten a load. Offering to cover a duty assignment or class (where possible and appropriate, of course) and give a colleague a break can send a significant message of understanding and appreciation. You might be a significant member of a teacher’s support system or “village.” Offering to make additional copies or help set up for an activity can lighten a load at just the right time.
9. Ask to visit and learn from a class or activity. Share that you admire your colleague’s practice and want to learn from them. Of course, some teachers may be reluctant to have a colleague observe them, but even if they decline, your message will still likely be appreciated.
10. Give a public shout-out. Consider finding an opportunity at a staff or team meeting to publicly recognize and compliment a colleague. Not everyone appreciates public recognition, though, so if you are not certain of how the colleague might react, consider sharing your intent and ask for their approval. If they aren’t comfortable with the spotlight, then perhaps the following approach would be more appropriate.
11. Compliment a colleague to their principal or supervisor. Informing supervisors about a colleague's contributions and achievements shows appreciation and encourages them to recognize the deserving colleague too. Depending on your relationship with the colleague, you might let them know what you shared. Doing so can double the appreciation they feel.
12. Write an anonymous note to a colleague on behalf of the team or staff describing the difference they make. Again, highlighting what specifically the person does that makes a difference can provide an important lift. Coming from an anonymous source can make the message even more memorable and mysterious.

Though Teacher Appreciation Week has passed, these ideas and our support for each other are no less important or appreciated throughout the school year. In fact, these are actions that we can adopt as behaviors and turn them into habits.

One of the amazing aspects of teaching is that we engage with our students early in their life trajectories. Consequently, our influence can persist and grow after students leave us, mature, and enter new phases of life. What may seem like incidental exchanges, off-hand advice, small acts of caring, or assurance of understanding can have a lifelong impact. What may feel like a small win with students today may change how they view and live life long after they leave us.

Unfortunately, our role positions us in a place where we are usually not able to see and hear how our influence has made a difference for our students. If we are lucky, some students might return and tell us how we have had an impact on who they are and what they are doing, but these tend to be rare occasions, representing just a fraction of the differences we have made.

But how do we know if the experiences our students are having with us today are likely to be life-changing? Are there signs or signals that can reassure us that what we are doing will not only be important today, but will likely stay with students far beyond their time with us?

The good news is that when students look back at their time in school, they often point to certain experiences, observations, and messages that have stayed with them over time and have had an influence on who they have become. Here are seven reflections students share about teachers whom they describe as life-changing:

This teacher…

• Really saw me. Students value teachers who see them as more than just a student. Taking time to listen and understand how students are feeling and empathizing with their challenges and struggles matters. For students, being seen translates to feeling valued and significant.
• Thought I was exceptional. While it certainly can, exceptionality does not have to translate to academic achievement or perceived intelligence. Instead, the focus may be a certain talent, ways of thinking, or unique insights. For students, being considered exceptional can feel like permission to be who they are and not always have to conform to what others think or expect of them.
• Made me want to learn. When teachers allow their curiosity, passions, and excitement to show through their teaching, students can find it difficult to ignore or resist. Developing a love for learning can make a lifelong difference for students.
• Held high expectations. Students often underestimate their potential. When someone pushes them to invest, persist, and discover what they are capable of, it can become a habitual approach to life beyond the classroom.
• Never gave up. Nudging, reminding, and supporting students are expressions of confidence that success is possible. Letting go and moving on can send the opposite message. Students remember and treasure people who never gave up on them.
• Was flexible and creative. Unexpected things happen. When they do, the circumstance can be turned into a timely reminder or offered as something new to learn. Even negative events have a way of becoming an opportunity for something good. Finding value and worth, reframing, and reflecting can be powerful models for young people trying to understand life.
• Was someone I wanted to be like. Students are constantly looking for role models. They want to have adults in their lives who have clear values, integrity, and courage. When they find what they are looking for in us, we can be their “north star,” their beacon of hope, and a measuring stick for who they want to become. 

Obviously, we cannot be all these things all the time for all our students, but the beauty is that we do not have to exhibit all these characteristics. In fact, there are times when even one of these elements can be all a student needs in order to see more in themselves, aspire to be more than they are, and follow a path created and begun during their time with us.

Validation may not seem like a powerful act. In fact, we may not give it much thought beyond a moment of appreciation in passing. Yet, taking the time to acknowledge the thinking of others, accepting their feelings, and respecting their experiences can have a surprisingly powerful impact our personal and professional relationships. In her recent book on the power and importance of validation, author Caroline Fleck asserts that the connections we make can increase levels of trust, improve psychological safety, and build a sense of belonging.

Providing genuine validation can be an especially effective way to build relationships with students. When we take the time to validate our students’ thoughts and feelings, we help them to feel seen and safe, reinforce their identity, and build emotional connections. When students perceive that their thoughts and emotions are accepted and respected, they are more likely to communicate freely and be more open to our advice and coaching.

Campus and district administrators should also be intentional and authentic when providing validation to their teachers, now in the season of Teacher Appreciation—and throughout the rest of the school year. Teachers deserve a great deal of appreciation, respect, and validation in addition to other things that would improve their well-being and job satisfaction; while many of those things are outside the realm of campus and district administration’s control, providing validation is not.

To be clear, validation is more than simply acknowledging someone’s presence or greeting them by name, although these can certainly be starting points. If we want teachers, students, colleagues, or others to feel validated, here are steps we can take:

• Listen actively. When in a conversation with someone, give them your full attention. Making eye contact can go a long way in making someone feel respected. Resist fidgeting, interrupting, or drawing premature conclusions.
• Offer nonverbal support. Nodding your head, maintaining an open body stance, and making other encouraging gestures or facial expressions can convey that you are paying full attention.
• Acknowledge emotions. Listen for more than spoken words. Pay attention to their tone and facial expressions. Validate what is said with statements such as “I understand why you feel that way,” or “That makes sense.” Your responses can communicate support to the other person and make them feel seen and heard.
• Remain nonjudgmental. Accept the other person’s perspective. Realize that respecting their feelings is not synonymous with your agreement! There may be opportunities later to clarify, rectify misperceptions, or offer alternate perspectives.
• Resist trying to immediately problem solve. Being heard is often as important, as receiving advice, if not more so. Hold off on offering any advice until asked or invited to.
• Don’t take over. Give others space until they invite your input. Let them know that you are there for them when they want to share or need assistance.
• Reinforce their strengths. Remind the person of their coping skills and capacities. Share your confidence in their abilities.

Validation can also play a helpful role in conflict. Many of the same behaviors that convey validation in relationships can reduce tension and improve communication during times of tension and disagreement. When someone is upset, their abilities to focus, think, and problem solve are reduced. They become more likely to respond with “fight, flight, or freeze” actions. When we engage in validating behaviors, the impact can be lowered heart rates, reduced nervous perspiration, and eased emotions, among other benefits. As a result, students or others with whom we are in conflict are less likely to escalate their behavior, respond based solely on emotion, or experience continued distress.

Of course, validation is only effective when it is authentic. True validation is not a tool for manipulation or misdirection. People can often quickly and easily see through false concern and manufactured caring, which tends to make the situation worse.

How have you made validation a part of your relationship-building efforts? What additional recommendations would you offer for establishing and strengthening connections with others?

Reference:

Fleck, C. (2025) Validation: How the skill set that revolutionized psychology will transform your relationships, increase your influence, and change your life. Avery.

We know that the choices our students make about who they’re friends with matter. Students who spend most of their time with peers who value learning, achieving, and succeeding do better in school. For example, students who join athletic teams, participate in the arts, and join other purpose-driven groups tend to misbehave less and succeed more in academics. Similarly, students who spend most of their time with others who expect to graduate also graduate at higher rates themselves. Likewise, students whose friends plan to go on to higher education have a higher rate of participation in formal education after high school.

However, the influence of social networks is not confined to young people. It turns out that the people we spend time with as adults—our friends, colleagues, and associates—also tend to have a significant impact on our sense of well-being, our productivity, our level of motivation, and even our character. For example, a recent study found that workers who are surrounded with high performers experienced an increase of 15% in their productivity. Attitudes and behaviors such as curiosity, innovation, and motivation have a “spillover effect.”

Surrounding ourselves and spending significant time with positive people, high achievers, and action-oriented individuals can also have a significant impact on our attitude. We tend to feel better more often when the people around us are optimistic, take action to make things better, and show resilience in the face of challenges.

Of course, we cannot always choose those with whom we work and occasionally must spend time. Nevertheless, we can choose to minimize social and unstructured time with negative, pessimistic, and otherwise toxic people. When we must spend time with such people, we can consciously resist being dragged down, depressed, or otherwise influenced by them. Just being aware of the potential to be influenced can provide significant immunization from their impact.

Each of us has networks of people around us. We may have social networks formed by commonalities like the same workplace or field, or we may have networks based on our faith or religion to feed and renew our faith and spirituality. We may even be part of other networks that meet a need, feed an interest, or serve another purpose for us. Each of these associations plays a role in our lives and can have an influence on our happiness, satisfaction, sense of belonging, and self-worth.

There is yet another type of network to consider if we are not already part of one. This network is comprised of people we admire, people who are high achievers in an area of interest or aspiration and who can serve as models to emulate. Our commitment to and participation in this network can play a determinative role in our career success or in other areas of importance to us. When choosing or building this kind of network, there are several factors to prioritize so we can embrace its “spillover effect.” Here are factors to consider in our search:

• Look for thought leaders who provide access to valuable ideas, perspectives, and insights.
• Look for models of mindsets and patterns of behavior that lead to success.
• Pay attention to curious mindsets, innovative approaches, and novel thinking.
• Search for people who are energized by exploring and embracing ideas.
• Seek out skilled, interested listeners who invite your ideas and will provide thoughtful feedback.
• Find people who inspire and challenge your thinking.
• Embrace opportunities to share your knowledge and expertise.

It may be challenging to find or form a network that includes all these features. Just know that the more exposure to and engagement you have with sources of possibility, the greater impact it will have on your thinking, aspirations, performance, and overall satisfaction.

References:

Housman, M., & Minor, D. (June 2016). Workplace design: The good, the bad, and the productive. Harvard Business School. https://www.hbs.edu/ris/Publication%20Files/16-147_c672567d-9ba2-45c1-9d72-ea7fa58252ab.pdf

Corsello, J., & Minor, D. (2017, February 14). Want to be more productive? Sit next to someone who is. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2017/02/want-to-be-more-productive-sit-next-to-someone-who-is

Every year, we schedule a variety of annual check-ups to maintain optimal health. We see a doctor to review our physical health. We make appointments with a dentist to check our oral health. We may schedule an appointment with the optometrist to evaluate our vision and eye health, and many people even see a dermatologist once a year for a skin check. We also schedule check-ups for other nonorganic but important systems on which we depend, like inspections and service appointments for our vehicles or appointments for technicians to check our home heating and cooling systems. The list could go on.

The point is that we need to take care of the systems and processes in our lives that can have an important impact on our health, comfort, and success. We want to prevent problems from developing where we can and identify the emergence of potentially serious problems before they become disruptive, expensive, or even dangerous.

With this responsibility in mind, there is another activity that deserves an annual check-up and should be added to our list. Even if our hearing itself is good, we may need to give attention to whether we are truly listening at an optimal level. Are we listening clearly and completely? Or are we developing behaviors that may lead us to miss important information, misinterpret intended messages, or even stifle open communication? Like other important processes, our listening skills can deteriorate over time, and we can find ourselves developing inefficient, ineffective listening habits.

It is customary for annual check-ups to involve a checklist of areas and elements that often need cleaning up or fixing. Check-ups also often include adjustments and corrections we can make to improve functions and operations going forward. Consider these ten items as you conduct a review of your listening skills, habits, and actions.

Item #1: Do you find that, occasionally, in conversations you just sort of passively listen and miss information?

Improvement opportunity: Focus on what is said. Notice the tone. Observe nonverbal cues like facial expressions and body language. Resist trying to “mind read” by making assumptions or unwarranted connections about what is said. Clarify details if you find yourself confused or unsure.

Item #2: Do you focus on your response while the other person is still speaking?

Improvement opportunity: Give your full attention to hearing before deciding how you might respond. Trust yourself to find the right words to communicate your message. Listen to hear, not to respond.

Item #3: Do you try to compete with or one-up the other participant(s) in conversations?

Improvement opportunity: Resist making conversations a competition. Acknowledge the other person’s message. Make your goal to celebrate or empathize, not to overshadow.

Item #4: Do people often respond to you by saying, “That’s not what I meant”?

Improvement opportunity: Confirm your understanding of what the other person said before attempting to respond. It can help when you begin your response by saying, “What I’m hearing you say is…” so that the other person has a chance to correct a misinterpretation. Or, if you are confused, simply ask for clarification.

Item #5: Do you occasionally hear statements like “I don’t feel like you’re listening?”

Improvement opportunity: Concentrate on your attending skills. Watch your eye contact and nonverbal responses. Avoid distractions and competing activities. And, of course, listen actively.

Item #6: Do your emotions occasionally become barriers to your listening?

Improvement opportunity: Resist becoming defensive or interrupting, even (read: especially) when it’s hard. Take a breath. If you need to bring your emotions under control, pause before responding or, if necessary, pause the conversation and return to it later by saying something like “You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’ll need some time to reflect on this.”

Item #7: Do you sometimes tune people out before they finish speaking?

Improvement opportunity: Guard against allowing biases, negative experiences, and perceptions of the person or their message to get in the way of your listening. Commit to suspending judgment until you have had a chance to hear and reflect on the message. All too often, we can allow our preconceived notions to stand in the way of what is actually being communicated.

Item #8: Do you occasionally find that you heard the words spoken but missed the underlying message?

Improvement opportunity: While listening, search for what is not said in addition to what is said. If you sense that there is more to the message than you hear, ask for additional details. Also, confirm your understanding of what you think might be the implications or underlying message.

Item #9: Do you sometimes miss information because you are distracted or thinking of other things while trying to listen?

Improvement opportunity: Dedicate your attention to one activity at a time. Stop what you are doing to listen or ask the other person to wait until you can give them your full attention. You could say something like “Hang on one second while I finish this email. I want to be able to give you my full attention.”

Item #10: Do you find that, following a conversation, you sometimes cannot recall key information, details, or decisions made?

Improvement opportunity: Take time at the conclusion of the conversation to summarize what you heard and recap any follow-up actions or commitments agreed to. The summary will confirm everyone’s understanding. Meanwhile, your repetition of the information will strengthen your recall. If necessary, also take a minute to record any commitments that will require your attention.

At face value, listening seems simple enough, but in actuality, it is a challenging activity. It requires focus, openness, nuance, and judgment. Yet, listening well is a crucial skill and key factor in developing and maintaining relationships. It is worth doing well. An occasional review and recalibration can help us to move from just hearing to really listening.

Occasionally, we have all found ourselves in situations wherein we felt manipulated. It may have been a request, an expectation, an insinuation, or something else that left us feeling confused or uncomfortable. Regardless of the specifics, it was generally not a good feeling.

Some manipulation is the result of happenstance and is not intentional. At other times, we might bring the situation on ourselves by failing to be clear or feeling obligated to cooperate. Fortunately, most people do not attempt to manipulate others as their primary approach to relationships.

Yet, there are certainly people who rely on manipulation as a go-to behavior to get what they want. They may be a colleague, student, friend, or even a family member. They reveal themselves through their frequent reliance of any, some, or all the following behaviors:

• Guilting—Making us feel guilty for not cooperating with or volunteering to carry out their wishes or taking responsibility for their emotions.
• Playing the victim—Seeking sympathy and claiming that others are responsible for their problems and feelings.
• Blame-shifting—Claiming that everything bad is someone else’s fault, even when the fault clearly lies with them.
• Lying—Refusing to admit falsehoods even when the evidence is obvious.
• Gaslighting—Raising suspicions about what we know or have experienced, leading us to question our reality.
• Intimidating—Making subtle threats, threatening to exert power, or hinting at consequences if cooperation is not forthcoming.

Unfortunately, regular engagement with emotionally manipulative people can take a significant mental, emotional, and physical toll on us. We can experience depression and anxiety, feel helpless and lack of confidence, and suffer from guilt and shame. We may even engage in unhealthy coping behaviors and suffer from exhaustion.

The good news is that there are several useful strategies we can tap to protect our well-being and manage manipulators and their behavior. Here are seven approaches to help you gain control and remain sane.

Set and enforce emotional boundaries. Be ready for the manipulator to press and test your boundaries. Expect attempts to ridicule and guilt you for not prioritizing the manipulator’s interests and priorities. If pushed, refuse to engage; instead, respond by stating your commitment to prioritizing your well-being.

Refuse to take responsibility for the manipulator’s emotions. Don’t take what the manipulator says personally. Your guilt, shame, and vulnerability are what they crave to be successful. When you break that link, you diminish their power. Their feelings and behavior are their choice, not your responsibility.

Remain calm. When the manipulator attempts to pull you in, refuse to react. Detach emotionally from what the manipulator is saying or doing. When manipulators do not receive the reaction they expect, they often lose interest. If the manipulator persists, you may need to create physical space, including walking away or ending the relationship.

Avoid power struggles. Manipulative people excel at power competition and advantages. They have lots of strategies and are not reluctant to use them, no matter how they may impact you. Resist debating, forget trying to win, and detach from determining who is right or wrong. The manipulator is trying to escalate the situation to achieve an advantage. Don’t take the bait.

Be clear about your needs and expectations. State what you mean in direct terms. Resist sending open-ended messages, invitations, or requests. Vagueness and mixed signals are the manipulator’s playground. They will reinterpret what you said or meant and leave you feeling guilty, regretful, and bewildered. Meanwhile, expect vagueness and mixed signals from the manipulator, often followed by an interpretation that favors what the manipulator wants or expects.

Listen to your intuition. Manipulators can be difficult to spot. They are often friendly, even seemingly genuinely helpful, when it fits their purpose. They may compliment and smother with kindness when they want something. If you find yourself second-guessing your interpretation or feeling “icky” following a conversation or experience, manipulation may have been at play. If something feels manipulative, it probably is.

Tap sources of support. Manipulators often attempt to isolate those whom they are trying to manipulate. Their tactics work best when their intended victims are not testing their experiences against reality or others’ perceptions. Talk to friends, colleagues, or family members about what is happening and get their reactions. If they have experience with the manipulator, they may be able to validate your experience and offer advice. Consider seeking professional help if the situation is becoming serious and you are having difficulty finding a path forward.

Of course, the “through line” for each of these strategies is that we need to take care of ourselves. Self-care is a critical element in successfully countering an emotional manipulator. They depend on others’ emotional and physical exhaustion for their success. But we are not powerless, and we can prevail. Own your own!