The Master Teacher Blog

Every year, we schedule a variety of annual check-ups to maintain optimal health. We see a doctor to review our physical health. We make appointments with a dentist to check our oral health. We may schedule an appointment with the optometrist to evaluate our vision and eye health, and many people even see a dermatologist once a year for a skin check. We also schedule check-ups for other nonorganic but important systems on which we depend, like inspections and service appointments for our vehicles or appointments for technicians to check our home heating and cooling systems. The list could go on.

The point is that we need to take care of the systems and processes in our lives that can have an important impact on our health, comfort, and success. We want to prevent problems from developing where we can and identify the emergence of potentially serious problems before they become disruptive, expensive, or even dangerous.

With this responsibility in mind, there is another activity that deserves an annual check-up and should be added to our list. Even if our hearing itself is good, we may need to give attention to whether we are truly listening at an optimal level. Are we listening clearly and completely? Or are we developing behaviors that may lead us to miss important information, misinterpret intended messages, or even stifle open communication? Like other important processes, our listening skills can deteriorate over time, and we can find ourselves developing inefficient, ineffective listening habits.

It is customary for annual check-ups to involve a checklist of areas and elements that often need cleaning up or fixing. Check-ups also often include adjustments and corrections we can make to improve functions and operations going forward. Consider these ten items as you conduct a review of your listening skills, habits, and actions.

Item #1: Do you find that, occasionally, in conversations you just sort of passively listen and miss information?

Improvement opportunity: Focus on what is said. Notice the tone. Observe nonverbal cues like facial expressions and body language. Resist trying to “mind read” by making assumptions or unwarranted connections about what is said. Clarify details if you find yourself confused or unsure.

Item #2: Do you focus on your response while the other person is still speaking?

Improvement opportunity: Give your full attention to hearing before deciding how you might respond. Trust yourself to find the right words to communicate your message. Listen to hear, not to respond.

Item #3: Do you try to compete with or one-up the other participant(s) in conversations?

Improvement opportunity: Resist making conversations a competition. Acknowledge the other person’s message. Make your goal to celebrate or empathize, not to overshadow.

Item #4: Do people often respond to you by saying, “That’s not what I meant”?

Improvement opportunity: Confirm your understanding of what the other person said before attempting to respond. It can help when you begin your response by saying, “What I’m hearing you say is…” so that the other person has a chance to correct a misinterpretation. Or, if you are confused, simply ask for clarification.

Item #5: Do you occasionally hear statements like “I don’t feel like you’re listening?”

Improvement opportunity: Concentrate on your attending skills. Watch your eye contact and nonverbal responses. Avoid distractions and competing activities. And, of course, listen actively.

Item #6: Do your emotions occasionally become barriers to your listening?

Improvement opportunity: Resist becoming defensive or interrupting, even (read: especially) when it’s hard. Take a breath. If you need to bring your emotions under control, pause before responding or, if necessary, pause the conversation and return to it later by saying something like “You’ve given me a lot to think about. I’ll need some time to reflect on this.”

Item #7: Do you sometimes tune people out before they finish speaking?

Improvement opportunity: Guard against allowing biases, negative experiences, and perceptions of the person or their message to get in the way of your listening. Commit to suspending judgment until you have had a chance to hear and reflect on the message. All too often, we can allow our preconceived notions to stand in the way of what is actually being communicated.

Item #8: Do you occasionally find that you heard the words spoken but missed the underlying message?

Improvement opportunity: While listening, search for what is not said in addition to what is said. If you sense that there is more to the message than you hear, ask for additional details. Also, confirm your understanding of what you think might be the implications or underlying message.

Item #9: Do you sometimes miss information because you are distracted or thinking of other things while trying to listen?

Improvement opportunity: Dedicate your attention to one activity at a time. Stop what you are doing to listen or ask the other person to wait until you can give them your full attention. You could say something like “Hang on one second while I finish this email. I want to be able to give you my full attention.”

Item #10: Do you find that, following a conversation, you sometimes cannot recall key information, details, or decisions made?

Improvement opportunity: Take time at the conclusion of the conversation to summarize what you heard and recap any follow-up actions or commitments agreed to. The summary will confirm everyone’s understanding. Meanwhile, your repetition of the information will strengthen your recall. If necessary, also take a minute to record any commitments that will require your attention.

At face value, listening seems simple enough, but in actuality, it is a challenging activity. It requires focus, openness, nuance, and judgment. Yet, listening well is a crucial skill and key factor in developing and maintaining relationships. It is worth doing well. An occasional review and recalibration can help us to move from just hearing to really listening.

Our voice is a powerful tool. Our tone can tell others how we are feeling, provide a context for what we want to communicate, or project how we want to be seen. Our pacing can communicate nervousness, confidence, or hesitation. Our volume can demand respect, convey impatience, or request attention. Amazingly, all these elements can be present in as little as one spoken sentence! 

Without question, the words we choose to convey information matter. We need to be organized, prepared, and timely in our instruction and other communication. We need to stay focused and avoid sidetracks that can generate confusion and distractions. However, how we say what we say is likely to have as significant an impact on whether our students hear and accept our instruction and other messages as what we say.  

Students are gauging and evaluating what we are saying in the context of what they hear in the unspoken messages carried by our voice. Let’s explore six of the most common emotions conveyed by the tone, pace, volume, and other elements of our voice.   

Confidence. Students want assurance that we know what we are talking about and are confident enough to help them if they struggle. Confidence can be communicated through an even speaking pace, a clear voice, and the absence of filler words like “um,” “like,” and “you know.” Confidence can also be conveyed through the absence of frequent hesitation and distracting pauses used to refer to notes and reminders. 

Enthusiasm. Students listen for whether what we are discussing is interesting to us and worth becoming excited about. A positive tone and quickened speaking pace can be conveyors of enthusiasm. The volume of our voice, be it raised or lowered, can also communicate excitement, wonder, or novelty.  

Empathy. Students seek reassurance that what we are saying includes consideration of their needs, fears, and questions. Our voice tone can tell students that we care about whether they grasp what we are saying and that we understand that they may struggle initially. We also may slow our pace when discussing elements that students may find challenging or unfamiliar.  

Curiosity. Students will likely be listening to hear if we are interested in and paying attention to their response to what we are saying. Our curiosity can be conveyed through brief gaps in our speech as we observe whether students seem to be following us. We may speed up or slow down as we gauge our students’ readiness and ability to stay with our pace. We may even shift the tone of our voice at the end of a statement to allow it to sound like a question.  

Vulnerability. Students want to hear and observe that we are human. We may misspeak, forget a point, or need to adjust in response to what we observe in how students are responding. Our voice can communicate whether we are angry, embarrassed, or accepting that we are not perfect. In fact, an even tone, matter-of-fact response, and some humor can be reassuring for students. Yes, it is possible to be confident and willing to be vulnerable.  

Responsiveness. Students are listening for clues in our voice that it is okay to ask questions. They may even be wondering if they can disagree with or challenge an aspect of what we say. The tone and volume of our voice in response to a question or pushback can either invite more dialogue or close the door to further engagement. When students feel as though we are open to questions, welcoming of observations, and accepting of different perspectives, we are more likely to hear what they are thinking and be able to engage them in deeper dialogue.  

We know that nonverbal communication speaks volumes, but we may not think much about how the tone, volume, and pace of our voice influence student perceptions and acceptance of our instruction and other communication. Yet, they often carry the “unspoken” message that determines whether the words we say are given the weight they deserve. 

Occasionally, we have all found ourselves in situations wherein we felt manipulated. It may have been a request, an expectation, an insinuation, or something else that left us feeling confused or uncomfortable. Regardless of the specifics, it was generally not a good feeling.

Some manipulation is the result of happenstance and is not intentional. At other times, we might bring the situation on ourselves by failing to be clear or feeling obligated to cooperate. Fortunately, most people do not attempt to manipulate others as their primary approach to relationships.

Yet, there are certainly people who rely on manipulation as a go-to behavior to get what they want. They may be a colleague, student, friend, or even a family member. They reveal themselves through their frequent reliance of any, some, or all the following behaviors:

• Guilting—Making us feel guilty for not cooperating with or volunteering to carry out their wishes or taking responsibility for their emotions.
• Playing the victim—Seeking sympathy and claiming that others are responsible for their problems and feelings.
• Blame-shifting—Claiming that everything bad is someone else’s fault, even when the fault clearly lies with them.
• Lying—Refusing to admit falsehoods even when the evidence is obvious.
• Gaslighting—Raising suspicions about what we know or have experienced, leading us to question our reality.
• Intimidating—Making subtle threats, threatening to exert power, or hinting at consequences if cooperation is not forthcoming.

Unfortunately, regular engagement with emotionally manipulative people can take a significant mental, emotional, and physical toll on us. We can experience depression and anxiety, feel helpless and lack of confidence, and suffer from guilt and shame. We may even engage in unhealthy coping behaviors and suffer from exhaustion.

The good news is that there are several useful strategies we can tap to protect our well-being and manage manipulators and their behavior. Here are seven approaches to help you gain control and remain sane.

Set and enforce emotional boundaries. Be ready for the manipulator to press and test your boundaries. Expect attempts to ridicule and guilt you for not prioritizing the manipulator’s interests and priorities. If pushed, refuse to engage; instead, respond by stating your commitment to prioritizing your well-being.

Refuse to take responsibility for the manipulator’s emotions. Don’t take what the manipulator says personally. Your guilt, shame, and vulnerability are what they crave to be successful. When you break that link, you diminish their power. Their feelings and behavior are their choice, not your responsibility.

Remain calm. When the manipulator attempts to pull you in, refuse to react. Detach emotionally from what the manipulator is saying or doing. When manipulators do not receive the reaction they expect, they often lose interest. If the manipulator persists, you may need to create physical space, including walking away or ending the relationship.

Avoid power struggles. Manipulative people excel at power competition and advantages. They have lots of strategies and are not reluctant to use them, no matter how they may impact you. Resist debating, forget trying to win, and detach from determining who is right or wrong. The manipulator is trying to escalate the situation to achieve an advantage. Don’t take the bait.

Be clear about your needs and expectations. State what you mean in direct terms. Resist sending open-ended messages, invitations, or requests. Vagueness and mixed signals are the manipulator’s playground. They will reinterpret what you said or meant and leave you feeling guilty, regretful, and bewildered. Meanwhile, expect vagueness and mixed signals from the manipulator, often followed by an interpretation that favors what the manipulator wants or expects.

Listen to your intuition. Manipulators can be difficult to spot. They are often friendly, even seemingly genuinely helpful, when it fits their purpose. They may compliment and smother with kindness when they want something. If you find yourself second-guessing your interpretation or feeling “icky” following a conversation or experience, manipulation may have been at play. If something feels manipulative, it probably is.

Tap sources of support. Manipulators often attempt to isolate those whom they are trying to manipulate. Their tactics work best when their intended victims are not testing their experiences against reality or others’ perceptions. Talk to friends, colleagues, or family members about what is happening and get their reactions. If they have experience with the manipulator, they may be able to validate your experience and offer advice. Consider seeking professional help if the situation is becoming serious and you are having difficulty finding a path forward.

Of course, the “through line” for each of these strategies is that we need to take care of ourselves. Self-care is a critical element in successfully countering an emotional manipulator. They depend on others’ emotional and physical exhaustion for their success. But we are not powerless, and we can prevail. Own your own!

This time of year is emotionally challenging for many students. The holidays can be a time of uncertainty and stress. Relationships formed earlier in the year may not be going well or may have disintegrated. The end of the calendar year may include challenges and deadlines that are disruptive to families. Meanwhile, colder weather and fewer hours of sunlight can lead to emotional stress and dips in mental health. The list could go on.

Of course, we, too, might be experiencing stress, pressure, disappointment, and uncertainty that make it challenging to sense our students’ struggles and respond in helpful and supportive ways. As a result, we can misstep, overstep, or under-respond to students who need our attention and support.

Admittedly, these may not be easy or comfortable situations. However, with a few reminders, we can avoid some of the most common mistakes and missteps in response to student emotional challenges. Here are six “potholes” worthy of our reflection and avoidance as we enter the holiday season.

Assuming—We might think that we know or can predict why a student is upset. Yet, what is causing the student’s emotions may actually have nothing at all to do with what we assume. Our jumping to conclusions can leave the student feeling unheard, misunderstood, and discounted.

Instead: We can put aside our preconceived notions and ask open-ended questions that invite the student to share what they are feeling and why. Our interest can lead to understanding, and our concern will be reassuring. Meanwhile, we will not have to backtrack and apologize for assuming that we knew what we did not.

Shaming—We can be tempted to tell a student variations of “get over it,” “toughen up,” or “just ignore it.” However, even when we softly convey those sentiments, we discount the student’s concern and risk sending the message that what they are feeling is not worthy, that expressing emotion is not acceptable, or that they should be ashamed.

Instead: We need to reassure students that it is natural to experience strong emotions, even when they are negative. Everyone goes through times when they face difficult circumstances and struggle. We can normalize the expression of emotion as a sign of strength, not weakness.

Overlooking—We might be busy or distracted, only to discover that we missed or misinterpreted multiple clues that a student needed our attention and support. Students do not always verbally or directly tell us when they are struggling. They do not always reach out and request our help. Yet, they may be sending multiple messages via shifts in their behavior and body language or through other nonverbal cues.

Instead: We can be mindful and observant of our students’ behavior. When a talkative student suddenly goes silent, a usually even-tempered student immediately becomes agitated, or a demonstrative student withdraws, we need to check in with them in an inquiring, non-judgmental manner.

Abandoning—We might have an initial conversation with a student that seems to help and then we move on to other things. Yet, the student may still be struggling and may need more support. Or we may promise to do or provide something but neglect to follow up or follow through.

Instead: Make it a point to check back with distraught students to see how they are doing and if they need anything. Following up and following through builds trust and communicates that we value our students and their well-being.

Pressing—We might think that we can convince upset students to let go and move forward quickly or that we have given them a solution to their situation that they should accept and implement immediately. We might feel the urgency of students getting back to work, but we need to remember that moving beyond intense emotions such as anxiety, worry, and grief takes time. Pressing during these times can leave students feeling unheard or misunderstood. As a result, their feelings may intensify.

Instead: We can step back and give students time to process their feelings and regain composure. We might suggest a break, moving to a private space, or even a few minutes to calm themselves. Of course, we need to reassure the student that we are available if they need to talk more.

Overreacting—Sometimes the emotions students are feeling touch a pain point in our emotions or stimulates a strong reaction in us. We might react harshly or become emotional ourselves. In either case, we risk escalating the student’s emotional state, setting off a power struggle, or struggling to deal with our own emotions.

Instead: We can focus on remaining calm and in control. Rather than reacting, we might respond by recognizing that the student is upset and inquire about what is causing it. Also, giving the situation some time by pausing, taking a deep breath, or physically stepping back can create space for us to gain control and avoid making the situation worse. Later, we can reflect on why we reacted so strongly and what we may need to do to feel better.

Dealing with emotions is hard. The challenge is even greater for young people as they navigate relationships, mature, and encounter many of life’s experiences for the first time. Obviously, we cannot always prevent or change their feelings, nor can we solve all their emotional difficulties. However, we can be ready with our attention, support, encouragement, and patience. Very often, that is enough.

What we intend with our words and actions may be laudable and admirable, but what students and others experience does not always align with what we mean and expect. When there is a disconnect, we can feel surprised, disappointed, and frustrated in response. However, as tempting as it might be, we cannot simply blame students or others for not interpreting what we say and do in a manner consistent with our intentions.

Even though our intentions might be pure, when the impact elicits a negative response or is misinterpreted, we must first examine our role in the situation. The only actions we control are our own. Understanding where and how a disconnect occurred starts by accepting responsibility, working to rectify the current situation, and understanding how to prevent its reoccurrence in the future.

How does intention become disconnected from impact? The culprit might be any of several factors. Here are four common causes:

• Our communication style or strategy. Our message may not have actually been clear to its recipient. Our tone may have been harsher or more critical than we intended. It might even be that what we said and how we said it was fine, but our body language betrayed us or communicated something else unintentionally.
• Assumptions we made about readiness to hear and learn. Students may not have fully mastered the skills on which new content and actions depend. They may have learned—but since forgotten—crucial information and processes necessary for success in the planned activity. Others may have been distracted or not had the background understanding we assumed.
• The strategy we chose to motivate. A setup that previously was motivating may no longer hold the same meaning and pull. Our word choice may have undermined the motivational message we intended. Or our timing might have been off and, as such, people may have misread what we were attempting to accomplish.
• Our intent and the context may not have been a match. What happened the day prior, or even earlier in the day, might have poisoned the context. Consequently, despite our intent, students or others were unable to separate their emotions and let go of their negative perceptions of us and the situation.

The obvious questions are, how we can reduce the potential for a disconnect to occur between our intentions and the impact of our actions, and what can we learn when disconnects do occur? Here are five strategies worth considering:

• Assume positive intentions. Assuming positive intentions reduces the temptation to blame others for the impact. Once we decide to blame others, we risk not fully understanding what happened, how we might fix the disconnect, and what we might learn to avoid repetition in the future.
• Reflect. The precipitating action was ours, in one way or another, so reflecting is a good place to start. When we understand what we missed, misinterpreted, or assumed incorrectly, we can begin to uncover where and how the disconnect occurred.
• Ask for feedback. In real time, checking for understanding and soliciting feedback can help us to avoid plunging ahead when others are not with us. In retrospect, feedback can offer hints and insights about how our words or actions had an impact, and we can begin to close the information loop.
• Look for communication gaps and gaffs. What we said and how we said it—and what we did and how we did it—matters. As much as we may think that we were clear, the proof is in the reception of information, not in the sending of it.
• Be aware of nonverbal clues and cues. Confused looks, frowns, furrowed brows, crossed arms, physically turning away, and whispered comments are just a few of the clues we might observe when our intent is not having the impact we expect. These behaviors are cues that it is time for us to stop and sort what is happening before any additional confusion, consternation, or disconnection occurs.
• Take responsibility and be accountable. When our first step in repairing a disconnect is taking responsibility, we open communication and reduce the need for others to explain, defend, or blame. We may need to explain and clarify our intentions, but we also need to be ready to apologize if we could or should have seen the disconnect coming.

Every day, we strive to lift our students, nurture in them a love for learning, and lead them to see a future filled with possibility. Sometimes we get it right and we see an amazing impact. At other times, we may need to stop, step back, and set a new course. These are times for reflection, learning, and recommitment, not occasions for regret or retreat. Every day, we have a new opportunity to turn positive intentions into amazing impacts.

Despite how positive and optimistic we seek to be, we can find ourselves pulled down by having to listen to what feel like chronic complainers. Regardless of the situation, some people always seem to find something to complain about. They may even appear to be addicted to complaining. Sound familiar? For these people, nothing ever seems good enough, they are quick to find problems, and they often ignore what seem like obvious solutions.

Of course, some complaints are legitimate and deserve consideration and action. We need to be careful to avoid assuming that a complaint coming from a frequent complainer is not worthy and deserving of attention. In these cases, we need to be ready to listen and consider their complaint with an open mind and give it legitimate attention.

However, responding effectively and productively to chronic complainers is not always simple. We hear lots of advice, but it is often contradictory. Some people advise using humor, while others counsel to avoid making light of or discounting concerns. Some suggest pointing out the good things in the complainer’s life or situation, but others counter that with caution to avoid appearing to minimize the significance of the concern. Still others suggest drawing attention to the frequency with which the person complains, but others offer the counter-advice of recognizing that the current complaint may be legitimate.

The best approach, of course, is to consider the complainer and complaints within context. Choosing how to respond depends on what we know about the complainer and complaint, our relationship to the complainer, and the power we may have to do something about the situation. Each of these factors can play a role in the strategy we choose for responding and the results we hope to achieve.

Fortunately, there is a five-step approach to engaging with chronic complainers around which there is broad agreement:

1. We can listen for the need. Complaints can be intended to meet a variety of needs. As we listen, we might ask ourselves: What is driving this complaint? Is the complainer seeking attention? Does the complainer want recognition or to be taken seriously? Or is the complainer looking for a solution and the support to implement it? Understanding what is driving a complaint can provide the insight we need to respond effectively.
2. We need to empathize and acknowledge the concern. We may not agree with the substance of the complaint, but we can recognize how the complainer sees the situation and empathize with how they might feel as a result. Arguing rarely moves the conversation forward or leads to resolution.
3. We can ask what they see as a good solution. We may find that the complainer offers a useful answer to move the situation forward. If we assume that what we are about to hear is just another complaint, we risk missing what could be an important issue to be resolved. If we hear a promising solution, we might ask what the complainer sees as some initial steps toward resolution.
4. If the complainer seems stuck on the complaint, we might nudge the conversation toward solutions and shifting their perspective. We might ask if there is another way to look at the situation. Or we might inquire about what they have tried and what else they have considered.
5. If the conversation seems not to be moving forward, we might ask, “Do you want my advice?” If the complainer is genuinely stuck, they are likely to be open to hear what we might offer. We might suggest some initial steps, share some ideas about who would be able to do something about their complaint, or we might suggest some additional options for them to consider.

The complainer may choose to do nothing to resolve their complaint, but they will have been assured that their concern was heard and taken seriously. Meanwhile, we will have modeled a process that positions the complainer to take responsibility for finding a solution, not just identifying and voicing a complaint.

There may have been a time when parents, family members, and other caregivers deferred to their child’s teacher and trusted that said teacher would do what was necessary to support their child’s learning. Families may have sent their child to school without a specific expectation to hear from the teacher unless there was a problem. However, if they existed, those days are long gone.

Parents and caregivers today expect to be informed. They want to know who we are, how we will support their child, and what we will do to ensure their success. They also seek assurance that we value them and want their involvement. Of course, they also want to hear that we are committed to and enthusiastic about our work.

With this context in mind, taking a proactive approach to communicating with parents is a wise decision. As we approach the beginning of the new year, it would be wise for us to develop and share with parents the information and reassurance they seek while also setting the stage for a strong, positive relationship.

Obviously, we need to share information on beginning-of-school logistics, including schedules, necessary supplies, and other need-to-know information. In addition, we might share with parents several key messages to introduce ourselves and reassure them of our commitment to their child’s success and our readiness to partner with them. Here are five key parent and caregiver messages to consider, modify, and share before the year begins.

I am looking forward to getting to know your child and building a relationship with them. You might discuss the early and ongoing activities you have planned to help their child feel welcome and develop a sense of belonging. Share your anticipation of the opportunity to learn the child’s unique personality, strengths, and interests. Invite parents to share any concerns, advice, and hopes that they believe would be helpful to your getting to know their child and forming a relationship. The invitation might be general and informal, and it may be followed by a survey or, if practical, a conversation with the child’s parents or caregivers.

I look forward to developing a productive partnership with you on your child’s behalf. Note that a crucial component of learning and social success is a sense of shared commitment and expectations among the adults in a child’s life. A strong partnership featuring frequent and timely communication and coordination of effort can make an enormous difference for students, especially when they struggle or lose focus. Provide parents with specific options and opportunities to connect with you. Share examples of when parents can expect to hear from you and what they can do if they have questions, concerns, or need to connect. This also is a good time to highlight school events, opportunities to volunteer, and other avenues for parents to participate as partners in their child’s school life.

I am committed to your child’s success. Be explicit in your commitment to make each day an important experience and step in the child’s learning journey. Emphasize the importance of regular reinforcement of past learning, building learning through the introduction of new concepts and skills, and the crucial role of practice to strengthen and lengthen retention of what is learned. Underscore the importance of the child’s regular attendance to sustain strong relationships with classmates, maintain learning momentum, and build continuity and rhythm in the school experience.

I want to help your child grow intellectually, develop socially, and gain strength of character. Remind them that while formal education is about building academic knowledge and skills, a strong, well-rounded education also helps students to develop and manage relationships with others. Further, for students to make the best use of what they learn, they need to grow their character. Honesty, compassion, fairness, responsibility, and other character elements help students become more than informed and knowledgeable; they become better people.  

I am excited and energized to begin a new learning journey with your child. You cannot know all that lies ahead in the coming months. There will be hours of exhilaration, days of disappointment, and weeks of amazing progress. Yet, with each step in the journey, you will be creating with their child a unique path of learning and growth. You can expect some twists and turns, maybe even a few side trips, but you can assure parents that your focus will remain on building knowledge and skills, nurturing good people, and encouraging their best work.

The beginning of school is an exciting time, but it is also crucial to setting the stage for a successful year. Sharing key messages of reassurance, expectations, and commitment can help us get off to a great start.

Over the course of a school year, we engage with students under a wide variety of circumstances and on an extensive array of topics. There is much we want to say to them—and there is much they need to hear from us. However, there are topics to avoid and statements to refrain from making to and in the presence of students.

Some information is confidential without exception. For example, students’ grades, health information, and other personal information are protected by policy and law. The status of other information may be less clear but still requires sensitivity and judgment. In general, we need to avoid saying things that may be perceived as ignoring boundaries, disclosing confidences, and using words to manipulate student behavior. Doing so can undermine trust in our relationships with students and compromise our professionalism. Here are nine things students should not hear from us.

First, we need to avoid sharing detailed information regarding our personal life. Students do need to feel that they know us and have a context for who we are, but there are limits to what we should discuss. As examples, the stress and status of personal relationships, details of our financial situation, mental health challenges, and personal religious beliefs are best kept out of the classroom and away from students in most circumstances. Sharing excessive personal information with students can create unnecessary confusion and stress.

Second, we also need to refrain from sharing negative remarks and personal opinions of colleagues, including the administration and district. We may have strong feelings about the adults with whom we work. However, if we have issues with other adults that need to be resolved, we need to go to those involved and work out our differences. Students should not be pulled into these conflicts; doing so can undermine students’ confidence and disrupt their relationship with us and other adults.

Third, and related, we must avoid sharing personal opinions about other students. Our words and opinions carry significant weight with students. Implying that another student is lazy or complaining that a student has offended us or does not like us is unprofessional and can undermine the respect of students.

Fourth, we need to avoid saying things that imply that our relationships with students are “on the table.” Our relationships with students matter. When we place them at risk to gain compliance, we introduce uncertainty and undermine the trust students often need in order to risk, persist, and learn with us. We should not be our students’ friend, but we still need to protect our relationship from threat and uncertainty. Children and young people are still learning about relationships, and their experience with adult relationships may be tumultuous and precarious. We need to model consistency and authenticity on which students can depend.

Fifth, we must resist sharing and listening to gossip. Gossip undermines trust and credibility, and it can unwarrantedly harm reputations. When we share or listen to gossip about others, we risk having those who observe our behavior wonder what we may be discussing about them in their absence. Engaging in gossip not only undermines professionalism but also sets a poor example for students.

Sixth, we need to resist making comparisons to other students, especially siblings. Comparisons can place undue and unrealistic pressure on students who follow a sibling “star.” Or, when comparisons are negative, they can set the stage for behavior that is even worse than demonstrated by the comparison sibling. Meanwhile, comparisons to other students in the class can also create unhealthy competition and undermine student relationships.

Seventh, we need to avoid saying things like, “Shut up!” and other emotionally driven words including cursing, yelling, and other forms of disrespectful language. Students may stop their behavior and comply with our direction, but they rarely forget. As the saying goes, “We remember how we are treated long after we forget what happened.” Careless, emotionally driven language undermines our professionalism and diminishes trust in and respect for us.

Eighth, we must avoid making sarcastic remarks about or to students. Students may not understand that what we say is intended to be sarcastic. They may not even know what sarcasm is. However, they are likely to understand that, in response, others are laughing at them. Meanwhile, other students may wonder whether and when they will become the targets of ridicule.

Ninth, we should never make negative predictions about a student’s future. Statements such as “You’ll never amount to anything,” or “There is no way you are going to pass this class,” can have a lifelong impact, even if we do not intend to inflict pain. Of course, a few students may take what is said and use it as motivation to prove us wrong. However, most students have neither the confidence nor maturity to take this path. Students are far more likely to take what we say at face value and carry the hurt and disappointment and even behave in ways consistent with our prediction. Stories abound of adults who recall with specificity the negative statements of teachers or other authoritative adults and how they have diminished their aspirations and accomplishments.

The good news is that there are so many positive, supportive, and encouraging things we can say to students that we need not rely on statements and comments that diminish confidence and undermine respect. Avoiding a few thoughtless phrases and hurtful words can make a big difference.

For the parents and guardians who see their roles as constant monitors, managers, and even intervenors in the lives of their children, the growth in access to technology, social media, and instant communication has accelerated a troubling trend. Terms like “helicopter parenting” and “snowplow parenting” have been used to describe their ultra-high levels of involvement. Now, some parents and guardians are essentially accompanying their child virtually throughout the school day.

Increasingly, teachers are reporting experiences where parents text their child frequently, even hourly, to check on their progress, performance, and mental state. Others describe instances where parents monitor classroom conversations in real time by having their children maintain an open microphone app on their laptop, tablet, or phone. Still others note parents quickly intervening to mediate classroom conflicts and confusion on behalf of their child rather than waiting for or allowing the student to solve challenges on their own. The list could go on.

Obviously, these parent and guardian behaviors are not encouraging the growth of key learning and life management skills their children need to develop. While parents may feel as though they are protecting, they are also depriving their children of experiences and lessons that will become more and more important as they approach adulthood. Additionally, they are adding to the distractions, interruptions, anxiety, and stress students experience throughout the school day.

However, we need to remember that, for the most part, these parents are well-intentioned. They want their children to be successful, after all, and they are investing considerable effort in trying to help their children navigate life. They also may have become accustomed to immediate access to their child during the pandemic and now have difficulty adjusting to the separation their child’s life at school presents.

While some parents embrace the integrated role they are playing in their child’s life and may resist stepping back, others may not even be aware of the potential problems their behavior can create for their child. Consequently, we need to be thoughtful and sensitive in our approach to nudge and coach our students’ parents and guardians.

It is worth our time and effort to help parents understand the potential impact and consequences of their behavior. They may need knowledge, encouragement, and strategies to help them adjust their behavior and allow their child space to experience learning with more independence.

We can start by sharing with parents and guardians the key developmental skills children and adolescents need to develop as they grow. Skills such as problem solving, conflict management, priority setting, time management, planning, and independence require that young people are allowed and supported to experience and learn on their own.

We might share with our students’ guardians the value of learning from mistakes and overcoming missteps. While coaching can be helpful, young people also need to be given opportunities to experience and work through life challenges. Our experience and insights can help parents evaluate the issues their children face and sort those that are normal and will pass from those that will need more attention and support.

We also might share with parents the emotional and psychological consequences of constant communication to and from their children involving routine information. Texts and other communication during times when students should be focused on learning create distractions that undermine learning efforts. Inquiries regarding progress and performance from class to class interrupt the flow of the day and increase levels of stress, and expectations for responses and assessments of how their child’s day is going can elevate the amount of anxiety students experience.

While asking parents to have no communication with their child during the school day may not be realistic, we might suggest a midday check-in. We can advise them to resist texts and other communication while students are in class and focused on learning. If parents have non-urgent information to communicate, they might remove the expectation that their child respond immediately.

We also can reinforce channels and timely schedules for us to communicate information parents may need and want to know so they do not have to rely solely on their child’s interpretation of expectations and events. Meanwhile, we can reaffirm the processes and opportunities available to parents to reach out to us with comments, questions, and concerns.

Obviously, school and school district policies and guidance need to play a role in the approach and strategies we choose. We may not be able to control the behavior of those parents who become overinvolved in the learning and life of their child. However, we can help them to understand the importance of and consequences associated with the parenting behaviors they choose.