Blog

Getting Past an Us vs. Them Mentality

Schools perform a wide array of functions and depend on many people to accomplish them. Naturally, within this context, people develop relationships and alliances with others who may perform similar functions or share other connections. These affiliations often lead to sharing expertise, building a sense of belonging, and creating alliances.

Unfortunately, they also can lead to separation among groups. For example, some teachers may see their interests and priorities as different from administrators. Or some may perceive staff in other roles as competition. Other issues and perceptions can result in other types and levels of separation within the school.

Over time, these perceptions can solidify into an “us versus them” mentality. When this happens, communication can break down, collaboration may suffer, and identities separate. The separation often produces reduced levels of morale, increased resentment, and even burnout.

Students, too, can suffer when adults adopt an “us versus them” mentality. Services may not be well coordinated, support may become disjointed, and learning opportunities may diminish. Of course, students are likely to sense the conflict and resentment among adults they depend on and feel torn and stressed as a result.

So, what can be done if we find that an “us versus them” mentality is developing or is already present? Fortunately, with commitment, patience, and persistence, “us versus them” thinking can be overcome. Here are six steps to get started.

Focus on purpose, not position.

Everyone has a role to play in accomplishing the school’s mission. When the emphasis is on the goal of student success and everyone shares in the work, there are far more reasons to collaborate, partner, and support than to separate, silo, and single out. The mission of schools is multi-faceted. Success depends on everyone’s contribution. Viewing some members or groups as “others” makes the work more difficult and less satisfying. When we realize that we are all in the work together and we need each other to fully succeed, working together becomes easier. Sharing student stories, highlighting the impact of shared efforts, and mining data for new ideas and opportunities can create energy, promote shared ownership, and mutual appreciation.

Insight: Shared purpose can create connections, energy, and mutual respect.

Invite input early and often.

Listening sessions and open discussions that are taken seriously matter, but only if what is said is considered and used to guide deliberations. Input that is invited too late in planning and decision making can fuel resentment rather than trust and support. Willingness to wrestle with difficult questions may feel risky at first, but over time, openness and dialogue can build high levels of trust and lead to better decisions.

Insight: Input matters only if it is timely taken and heeded.

Commit to decision making transparency.

Knowing the “why” behind decisions can go a long way toward creating understanding, even when not everyone agrees with the outcome. When the factors, processes, and criteria that drive decisions are shared throughout the process, much of the mystery and suspicion can be avoided. When everyone understands the objectives, constraints, and options considered, trust grows.

Insight: Transparency strengthens decision credibility.

Create cross functional teams.

Bringing varied experience and expertise to focus on problems and design new initiatives can prevent foreseeable problems, build ownership for decisions, and create longer lasting solutions. Similarly, forming teams of teachers and administrators to conduct instructional rounds followed by reflection and analysis can surface examples of excellence to build on and opportunities for improvement. Planning, celebrating, and solving problems together can dispel faulty assumptions, build mutual understanding, and lower mental walls that can get in the way.

Insight: Diverse perspectives and varied experience will open the door to new possibilities.

Engage in productive conflict.

Avoiding conflict and ignoring tension reinforces separation and undermines trust. Honesty, respect, and clarity do the opposite. Having norms and processes to deal with disagreement such as assuming positive intentions, remaining open and curious, and committing to focus on issues and ideas rather than people can help to keep conflict respectful and productive. People will not and should not always agree, but they should always feel heard and respected.

Insight: Engaging in conflict that leads to understanding is more important than finding agreement.

Make wins “we” celebrations.

“We” language can send a powerful message of collaboration and appreciation. It is not “my” staff or “my” team, it is “our” staff and “our” team. Recognizing shared achievement leads to shared identity. Think: “We solved this problem.” “We improved this process.” “And we are making a difference for students.” Success as a school always is a shared effort and accomplishment.

Insight: Shared credit builds shared identity.

Finding common ground and forming shared identities takes time. However, the benefits of everyone sharing in the mission, committing to listening, engaging in productive conflict, and building trust far outweigh the effort required.

January 21, 2026

Coach Student Reflection with This Surprisingly Powerful Tool

Not everything that is relevant today is new. Also, not everything that is useful with students originated in education. An excellent example of this observation is a reflection process developed for healthcare professionals several decades ago. Despite how long it has been around, it remains a useful tool to stimulate and guide reflection activities. It is deceptively simple, but surprisingly powerful. The process consists of just three questions:

What?
So what?
Now what?

This question sequence provides a useful way to organize thoughts, consider implications, and decide next steps. The reflection process works by breaking down information into useful parts. It also clarifies relevance of the topic being considered. Finally, it encourages individuals to take action because of the reflection.

We can use the reflection tool to help students reflect on and learn from conflict, missteps, or misbehavior. Students might use this tool to understand the significance of their effort and persistence in the face of an academic challenge, or to help them reflect on and better understand their behavior in a relationship. Let’s unpack these questions and explore how they might be used to guide and support student reflection activities regardless of topic, subject, or experience.

“What?” focuses on the experience, event, or interaction. In the first step, students describe what happened. They isolate the facts of the matter by recounting what they observed. Students may describe an assignment or project they were engaged in. They may reflect on an event in which they participated. They may recount a conversation, argument, or something they heard. They also detail the role they played in what happened.

Our coaching role during this step of the reflection process is to have students be clear, concrete, and concise. The key is to help students begin their reflection with reality, not what they assume or imagine.

“So what?” engages students in interpreting, analyzing, and contextualizing what happened. In the second step, students describe why the experience, event, or interaction was important. They may discuss why they reacted as they did. They might recount how they felt as the situation unfolded. They may even provide context that explains why they found the experience to matter. Further, students might provide history of a relationship, a struggle to complete a task, or an analysis of their behavior. Finally, this step asks students to consider what they learned through the experience.

Our coaching in this step is to help students to recall what they felt, how they reacted, and what they learned. We may need to ask nudging questions to help students find their way through emotions, assumptions, and other distractions that get in the way while making sense of what they experienced.

“Now what?” focuses student attention on the implications of the experience and future actions. In the third step, students ask themselves what they would do differently if they encountered the same circumstances, challenges, or interactions in the future. They might draw on what they discovered in the second step of the process to determine how they can adjust their thinking and behavior. Students also may find that there are skills and information they need to learn to help them complete this phase. Depending on the situation, students may plan the next steps they will take to resolve the situation or how they will reengage in a project or task. They might even develop a script to use in resolving a conflict.

Our coaching at this stage of the process is to encourage commitment and to help students define, determine, and deploy the steps or strategies they will use to move forward. Students may need our insights and ideas to help them figure out what they will say and what actions they will take.

These three questions may seem simple—even obvious. However, when deployed with thought and commitment, they can generate powerful insights and lead to significant changes in thinking and behavior.

October 15, 2025

Five Strategies to Move from Conflict to Consensus

Conflict is an inevitable element of the work we do. Our work is important, after all, and it involves high stakes for the students we care about and serve. We are passionate about our work and do not want to make careless mistakes. Each of us has a unique set of experiences and expertise that we want considered and respected. This combination makes conflict an unavoidable occurrence.

Of course, conflict is not necessarily a bad thing or something to avoid. In fact, when engaged in with thought, sensitivity, and purpose, conflict can be a significant contributor to a healthy and productive culture, as it can help us to sort the best approaches and find the best solutions.

On the other hand, conflict can also become a barrier to innovation, a divider of staff, and a drag on the culture if not engaged in skillfully, purposefully, and thoughtfully. Healthy conflict is not just arguing or insisting we have our way.

A great deal of important planning, decision making, and other work likely lies ahead over the summer months. Predictably, we will encounter diverging opinions about some of the approaches, concepts, and content that we will need to resolve. Skillful handling of these disagreements will be required to reach consensus on the path forward. Here are five strategies to consider that will ensure that any conflicts remain productive.

Move from defending to listening. When we find ourselves conflicting with someone, our first instinct is often to defend ourselves. While this stance may serve to protect our position and ego, it ignores the probability that there is another side or perspective to know and consider. When we default to defensiveness, we risk accelerating the conflict and embarrassing ourselves when the full picture emerges. Taking time to listen first gives us access to what may be important and saves us from having to backtrack once another perspective is presented.

Shift from furious to curious. Conflict can be the source of strong emotions. We may feel justified in projecting our anger and frustration. However, like failing to listen, failing to ask open-ended questions and explore the understanding, perspective, and expectations of the other person is likely to move us deeper into conflict rather than toward resolution. Questions such as, “What makes you say that?” “How do you see this situation?” and “What do I need to know?” can be good places to start.

Go from pressing to patience. When we feel as though we have the correct motivation, position, or understanding, it can be tempting to press the other person to agree with us. Unfortunately, this stance can push the other person to “dig their feet in” to their original stance and stop listening to what we have to say, regardless of how right we may actually be. Taking a step back and giving the other person time and space to think and process can open the door to new information and greater understanding.

Shift from forcing to flexibility. Similarly, when we feel we are right and we have a path in mind we believe the situation should follow, we can become narrow in our perspective. Simultaneously, we risk missing or rejecting workable, or even excellent, solutions that could lead to the outcome(s) we seek by employing a different strategy or following a different path.

Move the focus from winning to solving. The emotions and momentum of conflict can lead us to become so focused on “winning” that we forget that the goal is to find the best solution. In fact, conflict over the best path to a shared goal can generate innovative ideas and lead to creative solutions. The key is to focus on what will work, not just getting our way.

Conflict can be uncomfortable. Sometimes, we may even choose to stay quiet or give in just to avoid it. However, such a choice undervalues our experience and expertise. It also deprives colleagues and the institution of what may be the best, most effective, most innovative solutions to the challenges we face.

May 09, 2024