Few people are likely to disagree with the observation that the frequency and acceptance of disrespectful behavior has grown. Behavior that used to generate outrage and embarrassment too often feels normalized. Actions and words that were once met with demands for immediate apology and behavior change seemingly barely raise an eyebrow. Even public figures appear to have fewer filters for their speech; cursing, insults, and insinuations are common fare among people whom we used to look to as models of decorum and properness.
Of course, this trend is not confined to adults. “Respect your elders” used to be a common mantra. At one time, “We don’t talk/behave that way” was a powerful admonishment and cause for shame. Unfortunately, for too many young people, models of respectful behavior are scarce or missing, and lessons about proper discourse are absent. Meanwhile, what they observe and experience in daily life presents few boundaries and little guidance for proper behavior.
We might wish that we could wave a magic wand and return to times when respect was a sign of good character and proper upbringing. We might long for days when disrespectful behavior was less frequent and the people who engaged in disrespect understood that their behavior did not reflect well on them. Correction was a matter of pointing out the behavior, not teaching why it was not acceptable.
Nevertheless, we can choose to wring our hands and complain, or we can work to at least improve the level of respect we experience in our work with colleagues, students, and others. Unfortunately, life does not issue magic wands and there is a limit to how much we can control the behavior of others. Any change we want to see must begin with us and what we can control.
The good news is that the behavior we choose in our interactions with others can have a powerful effect on their behavior. If we want to feel more respect from others, we can start by taking these seven actions:
- We can consistently show respect in our attitude, speech, and behavior. People who are respectful almost always experience higher levels of respect from others.
- We can assume respect from others. What we expect influences what we find. If we expect disrespect, we are more likely to interpret undefined behavior as disrespectful.
- When we experience what feels like disrespect, we can choose to remain calm and composed. If the disrespect is intended to stimulate a negative reaction, the purpose will have been thwarted. If we misinterpreted the words or behavior, we will have avoided awkwardness and embarrassment.
- We might refuse to take the other person’s words or behavior personally. In many situations, what feels like disrespect for us is an expression of frustration, the result of a misunderstanding, or a manifestation of confusion. Even if what we experience is intended as disrespect to us, we gain little by making it a personal issue.
- We can set boundaries and expectations with colleagues, students, and others with whom we interact regularly. Boundaries of acceptability are often enough to moderate behavior. Stating that what was said or done feels disrespectful can signal what is and is not acceptable to us.
- We need to reject the disrespectful behavior, not the person. The other person’s behavior is something that can be changed. Regardless of the behavior, the person still has worth. When we reject the person, we risk creating a divide that may make a future relationship difficult, if not impossible.
- We do well to avoid responding with criticism or blame. Focusing on resolution and solutions is not only likely to be more productive in the moment, but our behavior can also leave the door open to address what we see as disrespect later when emotions are under control and a level of trust is present.
In the context of a classroom, we obviously have more influence on what is acceptable through rule setting and behavior management. The seven actions still apply, but some additional steps may be useful:
- We may need to explicitly teach the difference between respect and disrespect and examine the subjectivity behind certain examples of each. In some cases, some students may not be fully aware of how their words and actions impact on others. There are some things that are more generally considered respectful or disrespectful, though, and those more objective examples are worth discussing.
- We can include respect for oneself and others in the expectations we establish for classroom behavior.
- We may need to intervene more directly in response to disrespectful words and actions, but our approach needs to be in private, when possible, and informed by the seven actions presented above.
- We might give students opportunities to build respect for themselves and from their peers. Offering students meaningful choices in their learning, providing leadership roles, and giving students a voice in classroom operation can be good places to start.
- We can increase our influence and reduce the frequency of disrespect by forming strong, consistent, positive relationships with students. Our interest in and caring for our students matter.
This list could go on, but the truth is that our consistent practice of respect for ourselves and others can have a powerful impact on the behavior of those around us.
