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Forming and Sustaining Relationships with Families

We dedicated considerable effort at the beginning of the year to ensure families had the information needed to help their children succeed academically. Maybe we held open houses and “meet the teacher” events to introduce ourselves, created good first impressions, and began building relationships with families. We shared information on how families can communicate with us and how we plan to communicate with them. We might think of these and other actions and activities as Phase 1 of forming relationships with families. These important first steps help set the stage for a successful year. However, these connections also occur during the flurried activities signaling the new school year. Consequently, much that we shared and their benefits may soon be forgotten. Our challenge, now that school has started and we’re forming new routines, is to nurture, strengthen, and sustain family relationships we initiated. Relationships thrive on frequent communication and connections. People lean toward greater trust in those with whom they have more contact. We might think of our communication efforts and activities as entering Phase 2. There are many ways to deliver on our promises to parents when school began. Here are nine relationship forming and sustaining actions deserving our time and attention as we establish a rhythm and pace for the year. Continue to be confident and congenial. Parents become attuned to whether teachers are confident in their role. Our poise and enthusiasm send reassuring signals to anxious parents and leave them feeling more confident in us as their child’s teacher. Forming and sustaining strong positive relationships with parents is an easier task when we approach the situation with self-assurance and a positive attitude. Reinforce expectations shared at the beginning of the year. We shared with parents when we are available. We communicated options regarding the best ways to contact us. We urged them to let us know when significant issues and events occur that may disrupt or distract their children. However, this information was likely received with a wealth of other information and expectations. Now is a good time to repeat and reinforce the expectations that parents can have of us and what we need from them. Of course, not all parents will follow through in a manner we prefer, but most parents are conscientious and will respond appropriately. Collect, learn, and use family names. When we know and use names, rapport and relationship building become easier. We need to pay special attention to family names not the same as our students’. Numerous reasons account for last name differences and noticing them can avoid awkward and embarrassing situations. It isn’t necessary to memorize every parent’s name but collecting names and reviewing them makes an important difference when interacting with parents at conferences or meetings. Also, for parents with whom we have frequent interactions, knowing their names is important. Give them something to talk about. Families often feel at loss on how to draw out of their children what they experienced and learned during the school day. Assisting families with brief group texts, email, and other electronic messages with suggestions about how they might talk with their children regarding what they studied, discussed, and accomplished during the day helps families. As a bonus, our messages keep parents informed about what we teach and even stimulate conversations beyond the curriculum. Look for opportunities to share good news. Rarely will parents object when we take time to share good news about their children. A quick text or email will be appreciated. For a more significant impact, consider calling and sharing the news live. Furthermore, should the time come when we must share less positive news about their children, the more likely parents will see our efforts as balanced and objective. Don’t assume. Inquire. If we notice or hear something that needs attention, we must be careful not to make assumptions or jump to conclusions. Families can be complex, often facing significant challenges. Rather than starting with a conclusion, we need to tactfully inquire and allow families to inform us as they see fit. Avoid surprises. No one appreciates unpleasant surprises, especially if earlier available information could have been shared. When we see student behavior changes, achievement drops, or other issues emerge, we must communicate with parents early, especially before what we see becomes a set pattern. We may find parents already aware of the situation and willing to share information, so we can respond effectively. Or they may appreciate our sharing our observations and inviting them to partner in finding solutions. Even if parents don’t respond in a way we prefer, we’ll have gained information to boost our efforts and relationship with the student. Help families to prepare for engagement with us. When contacting parents to schedule a meeting or conference, we must be clear and specific about its purpose or topic. Knowing what’s planned helps lower anxiety and allows parents to prepare. When appropriate, we might share what they specifically can prepare and bring with them. Be an advocate. When we see ourselves as advocates for our students, our attitude and commitment naturally reflect in our language and actions. Parents rarely resist or question our advice and behavior when they clearly see we’re supporters, defenders, and protectors of their children and their success. Relationships matter. We know the power of positive, influential relationships with our students. The relationships we form with families stand equally important, especially during rough spots when students need all the support we can muster.

September 16, 2022

Teach Students to Respond Rather Than React

One of the post-pandemic challenges we face is helping our students to learn, or relearn, how to live, learn, and work with others. Long periods without frequent human contact followed by having to deal with the in-person words and behaviors of others have left many students without effective, flexible interpersonal skills. The absence of these skills can lead to hurt feelings, verbal confrontations, and even physical conflicts. The situation is not likely to improve without our intervention and support. One aspect of interpersonal skills where we can assist students is building an understanding of the significant difference between reacting and responding to the behavior of others. We can start by sharing with students what it means to react and how they can choose to respond. Our message to students might be something like this: (Adjust for age and maturity) When someone says or does something to us that we perceive as hurtful, unwarranted, or disrespectful, we have a choice to make. We can allow our emotions to direct our behavior, or we can pause, consider, and decide the best action to take. Our reptilian brain urges us to react based on our assumption, perception, or emotion of the moment without consideration of the context, intent, or consequences. Our actions are spontaneous and not necessarily reflective of our skills, values, or goals. We may not even be fully conscious of the choice we make, but it is a choice. We can also choose to pause in order to consider, reflect, and decide what we should do next. Important is to consider the perspective and intentions of the other person and what response would be best for us. What someone said or did does not have to dictate our behavior. How we respond is our choice. If we allow another person to dictate our behavior, we give up our power and become vulnerable to their manipulation. We also risk engaging in actions that do not reflect who we are and who we want to be. Following up this discussion by sharing examples of ineffective or unproductive reactions and the consequences that follow the choice to react without thinking provides opportunity for deeper reflection. Contrasting those examples with others that demonstrate more effective responses and avoid needless and hurtful conflict serves our advantage. Further, students can brainstorm and practice strategies to respond rather than react to words and actions that might hurt their feelings or make them angry. Additional strategies for students to consider can start with these five ideas:

Asking a question to clarify the other person’s intent.
Calling out the words or behavior as hurtful or disrespectful.
Assuming the positive intent of the person and claiming confusion with what they meant.
Asking to talk later when everyone has calmed down.
Ignoring the comment or action and walking away.

We might also share this five-step strategy using the acronym PLACE, depending on the age and maturity of our students:

Pause. Rather than allowing emotions to control, take a deep breath and create space to think.
Label what you are feeling. Are you angry, frustrated, confused, or feeling something else? Naming your emotions makes them easier to control.
Ask what is causing your feelings. Why are you feeling the urge to react? What will you accomplish by reacting?
Choose a response. What do you want to accomplish? What other actions might you consider? How might this choice lead to a good outcome? How might the other person react or respond to the step you contemplate?
Empower yourself. Consider that you are making the choice of what to do, not the other person. You are acting from a position of power and control. You have not discounted or given away your power.

Of course, as adults we too can encounter situations that tempt us to react rather than respond to the words and actions of others. The good news is that the same strategies we teach our students can be effective for us.

September 16, 2022

Five Ways Our Curiosity Can Jump Start the New Year

Curiosity can be a powerful force for discovery, engagement, and learning. When we allow, or even nudge, ourselves to wonder, probe, and question, we can change the path of our thinking and open new doors to experience. If we choose to capitalize on them, the beginning of a new school year can offer a myriad of new connections, new experiences, and new learning. Our curiosity can help us to see what we otherwise might ignore and learn what we might otherwise overlook. Our curiosity can help us to “ramp up,” encourage us to more carefully consider how the opening of the school experience affects everyone, whether starting new or returning. This creates a more successful and satisfying start. Let’s consider five ways we can engage our curiosity to jump start the new year: First, we might seek out staff members whom we do not know well and start a conversation about engagement activities they use to create connections and momentum in the first days of the year. In just a few conversations, we can gain access to an array of ideas and options upon which we can draw to build meaningful and memorable experiences with our students. Equally important is opening the possibility of forming new relationships. This helps to widen our professional network and strengthen our support system. Second, we might informally survey colleagues to find at least one new useful strategy for organizing work that can save time and make our professional lives easier, while protecting learning processes. Challenges from the past two years forced us to find new ways to manage our tasks and time. As a result, we can learn more effective ways to share what we have developed and learned. Additionally, organizing tools and tasks for which students can take responsibility, and preparation and process shortcuts can be good places to probe. When we employ our curiosity in this direction, we gain access to innovative ideas and options. This also lends to renewing professional relationships and building bridges for future collaboration. Third, we might seek out one or more of our most experienced, innovative, and effective colleagues and probe for new insights, ideas, and strategies they have developed to improve learning experiences and outcomes. We may discover they have learned and are perfecting the exact new strategy we need. Even better, they may be looking for someone with whom they can collaborate on further development. Furthermore, what we glean may not be new but may reveal new twists and applications from which our practice can benefit. Of course, our inquiry also communicates our respect for their work, a great message to send a colleague as a new year begins. Fourth, we can set a goal to discover at least one thing about each of our students that makes them unique. Our search for what makes students unique also will assist our efforts to learn names and collect other information that can help us in our success with them. Of course, the search alone reinforces for us their individual worth and potential, plus each deserves unique recognition. Personal conversations, interviews, or a group activity lend to interesting information collection. Although, if we collect the information through a group activity, we need to follow up with students individually to confirm that we noted and value what they have shared. These student conversations create suitable places to begin forming relationships that grow in strength and influence throughout the year ahead. Fifth, we can focus our curiosity on those elements and aspects of our work for which we are grateful. Our inquiry might open our eyes to meaningful experiences and relationships that energize us, carry us through tough times, and give us a sense of meaning and purpose. And although the opening of the new year can generate feelings of uncertainty and anxiety, it does present us with occasions to renew and reengage those aspects of our work that bring us satisfaction, pride, and happiness. One of the unique aspects of teaching is that each year brings new opportunities and allows us to begin anew. By unleashing and engaging our curiosity, we can make the start of the new year even more promising, productive, and purposeful.

July 29, 2022

Five Crucial Components of Strong, Productive Cultures

We talk a lot about culture. We know that it can be a determining factor in the success of any organization, including schools. We hear terms like “good cultures” and “bad cultures,” “strong cultures” and “weak cultures,” and “toxic cultures” and “healthy cultures.” What do we mean? What are the crucial components shared by healthy, productive cultures? It can be helpful to think about cultures as comprised of building components, much like a physical structure. At the base we find characteristics that provide supports for higher, more impactful components of healthy and productive cultures. Let’s explore five crucial elements for developing a positive, impactful culture and how each might be described by people who are experiencing each one. Foundation: Relationships The foundation of a healthy culture can be found in relationships. People feel accepted and respected. They feel as though they are a part of the organization. Relationships may extend beyond work to become friendships. While there may be conflicts, they tend to center around ideas and strategies rather than personalities and politics. Often, they resolve without grudges or resentment. Open communication extends throughout the organization. In organizations that have a strong relational culture, people say:

This is a warm and friendly place.
I feel respected and heard.
I am not afraid to disagree if I feel strongly about an issue or decision.
I enjoy the people with whom I work. Some of them even have become my friends.

Floor: Collaboration At the collaborative level, relationships extend beyond feeling respected and valued. Shared knowledge and experiences inform and benefit colleagues and the organization. People feel trusted enough to share their ideas and insights and feel safe enough to be vulnerable. They can admit they do not have every answer, without fear of shame and criticism. People frequently work in teams to perform tasks, solve problems, plan, and improve processes. In organizations that have moved to the level of a collaborative culture, people say:

I feel my expertise is valued and respected.
I don’t always have to act as if I have all the answers.
I can ask for help without worrying about what others may think of me.
I have opportunities to work with colleagues on important projects, problems, and processes.

Supporting Walls: Shared Purpose The search for and feelings of shared purpose rest firmly on the first two components. Shared purpose makes relationships more meaningful and collaboration more productive. Shared purpose drives decisions and keeps the values of the organization constantly in play. Shared purpose generates a sense of integrity and significance in the work. Goals become clearer, more transparent, and influential in daily and ongoing activities and initiatives. Celebrations lift the purpose of the organization and honor the people and work that move the organization ever closer to achieving its purpose. In organizations with a strong sense of purpose, people say:

I feel like the work we do here is important and worth the effort.
I appreciate that everyone is committed to doing our best work in service of our purpose.
I like the clarity and consistency with which goals are set and decisions are made.
Our celebrations feel authentic and meaningful.

Roof: Shared Accountability The fourth level expands the focus of the work and achievement of the organizational purpose to include shared responsibility. People hold themselves and each other responsible for doing their best work, achieve shared goals, and make a shared difference. Accountability is based on promises people make to themselves and each other rather than relying on external monitoring, measurement, and metrics. When people experience a culture of shared accountability, they are likely to say:

I feel great responsibility to do my best and to not stop learning and trying until we are successful.
I am confident that my colleagues share my commitment to our work and purpose.
We know that when we work together there is not a problem that we cannot solve or challenge we cannot meet.
We worry little about state-informed and other accountability measures because our standards are much higher than others would establish for us.

Upgrades: Renewal and Innovation People who are a part of cultures that have reached this level resist feeling satisfied or comfortable. They continue to reflect, challenge, and push themselves. Not only do they search for ways to improve current practices and processes, but they also look for opportunities to innovate, redesign, and reimagine even better work. They fear lethargy and staleness. They are quick to share, model, and mentor others who aspire to reach this level of culture and performance. People in cultures that have reached the level of innovation and renewal are likely to say:

I feel as though we have come a long way, but we are far from finished.
I constantly look for new ideas, better strategies, and even more effective approaches.
We often ask ourselves whether there are better approaches, more effective designs, and innovative perspectives that we can adopt and develop to move to an even higher level of performance.
We are eager to share our knowledge and experience with others who are on journeys like ours.

As noted earlier, each component of culture builds upon the one below it and expands its impact. With weak interpersonal relationships and collaboration, other levels weaken and can even collapse. The challenge for leaders is to build from the bottom, but constantly monitor cultural health at all five levels.

July 29, 2022

Four Keys to Succeeding With a Skeptical Audience

The prospect of speaking to an audience that is skeptical, hostile, or misinformed is not pleasant. We worry about what might happen, how the audience will react to our message, and what consequences may follow. It is human nature to fear the worst – even when the worst is not likely to happen. Of course, we cannot always control the circumstances that lead to facing a less than supportive audience. But we can prepare in ways that reduce the likelihood of the situation spinning out of control, while increasing the probability that we stabilize or even make the situation better. The key is to concentrate on the factors we can control. Our preparation needs to focus on the factors that make success more likely than failure. Here are four keys to preparing and delivering a successful presentation to audiences who may be skeptical or even hostile. First, we need to be clear about our purpose for speaking and what we want to accomplish. Meeting with a hostile group absent a purpose and plan can lead to the situation quickly disintegrating and fostering confusion and frustration. Do we want to inform? If so, we need specific information, credible facts, and clear messages to share. Do we want to convince? If so, we need to understand the concerns and perceptions of the audience. We need to know what audience members value and how we might meet their needs and appeal to what is important to them. Do we want to respond to a concern or apologize for some action? If so, we need to be clear about what we take responsibility for and why we see a response or apology as important. We also need to be ready to explain what we intend to do to make it right. Second, we need to remain focused on the situation or topic. Extraneous stories, disconnected examples, and unaligned comparisons are likely to create confusion, frustration, and even more hostility. The length of our comments is far less important than our sincerity, commitment, and specificity. Our preparation needs to sort what is crucial to our message and avoid what may be distracting or sound like excuse making. Third, we need to be confident. Confidence can be difficult to generate in stressful situations. Nevertheless, a plan that focuses on why our comments are important, what we want to accomplish, and how we will organize our thoughts and words can lessen our anxiety and build our self-assurance. Our ability to project confidence can go a long way in reducing the anxiety of the audience and inject believability in what we have to say. Fourth, we need to remain open to and respectful of other perspectives and opinions. Our ideas and understanding represent one view of the circumstance. Others may also have worthy ideas and insights. When people ask questions and even challenge our message, we need to remain calm, listen carefully, and reserve judgement as much as practical. The questions we hear can open new avenues of understanding and lead to solutions we may not have considered. On the other hand, when we fail to listen and respect the views of others, we risk undermining our message and making the situation worse. Few of us look forward to controversy and confrontation. In fact, people who enjoy conflict often are least effective in managing and resolving the issues and emotions involved. On the other hand, avoiding situations where we need to share a message or address an issue can also make the situation worse and undermine our leadership. The best option: be clear about the purpose and desired outcome, plan and prepare well, and buttress our message with confidence, understanding, and respect.

April 07, 2022

Six Keys to Navigating Emotional Eruptions

These are frustrating and bewildering times for many students. Family routines and living conditions may have changed. Many students have experienced the loss of loved ones. Some students may be the victims of the emotional outbursts and abuse of others in their lives. Schools can also be places where pressures mount and frustrations build. Not being successful, feeling isolated, and having to comply with expectations are just some of the potential sources of emotional stress students experience. It is not surprising that the confusion and frustrations students feel sometimes build and may come out in emotional eruptions. Once emotions boil over, controlling them can be difficult, especially for young people who see few options to change and make their lives better. Our challenge is to respond with sensitivity and skill while keeping everyone safe. Here are six keys to navigating these occasions with empathy and professionalism. First, intervene early. Students often show signs that they are becoming upset and may be moving in the direction of an emotional eruption well before they lose control. We might choose to ignore the student and hope that they are able to manage their emotions. This approach might work with some students under some conditions. However, when emotions continue to escalate, the level of disruption, emotional costs, and time required to respond usually make early intervention the better choice. When students show signs of growing agitation, often a quick check-in to see how the student is doing or offering a short break for self-calming can be enough to deescalate emotions and maintain control. Showing care before the situation escalates can often be enough to avoid a full-blown meltdown. Second, keep everyone safe. Guiding the student to a space away from other students can minimize the risk that anyone might be physically harmed if the student strikes out in frustration. If the student refuses to move, or moving the student is not practical, we can move other students a safe distance away. However, if it appears that anyone might be in physical danger, including us, we need to reach out for support from another adult resource. Waiting until someone is harmed is too late. Third, assume a calm and patient stance. If students who are out of emotional control sense that we are panicking, becoming angry, or are impatient, their reaction is often to escalate the outburst. When our emotions are focused on ourselves, we cannot establish an emotional connection with the student. Listening, comforting, and understanding can be our best tools. Fourth, avoid making threats. When students are in a state of high agitation, processing information is difficult, if not impossible. Threatening actions can make the situation worse. Verbal threats will not likely lead to emotional calm and control, if they are heeded at all. Don’t be surprised if students later do not recall what we said to them during the time their emotions were out of control. Fifth, delay discussion of consequences and next steps. Once the emotional crisis has passed and the student is calm and can engage, there will be time to discuss what happened and what, if any, disciplinary consequences are appropriate. This discussion needs to be in the context of understanding and finding solutions and strategies to avoid future episodes. Students need to be responsible for their behavior, but they often need us to teach and coach them in how to recognize and manage escalating emotions. Sixth, tend to the emotions of the class. Emotional outbursts by classmates can be traumatizing experiences. Some students may be frightened. Others may respond by becoming upset and losing control of their emotions. Still others may be angry and resentful in response to the situation. Spending a few minutes processing what happened can help students to make sense of the experience and give us clues regarding who in the class may need more attention and follow-up. As much as we might wish we could, we cannot protect our students from many of the challenges and frustrations they face in life. We also cannot always anticipate and prevent emotional eruptions. However, we can be there to provide support, guidance, and insight to help students through these difficult experiences. Often it is enough just to be someone our students can trust and count on when they need us.

March 02, 2022

Share Your Tips & Stories

Share your story and the tips you have for getting through this challenging time. It can remind a fellow school leader of something they forgot, or your example can make a difficult task much easier and allow them to get more done in less time. We may publish your comments.

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Four Ways to Build Understanding and Search for Common Ground

In times of extreme political and ideological polarization, we can be tempted to categorize people and draw conclusions about their perspective before we fully understand. We can fall into the trap of assuming what people mean and placing their words in our contextual thinking before we fully grasp what is said. We can fall victim to the urge to correct, argue, and dismiss rather than listen and build understanding. The result can be embarrassing responses, disconnected declarations, and unnecessary conflict. Consider a statement such as, “Our schools are hurting students.” These may feel like “fighting words” to those of us who give our lives to educating young people and who for the past two years have fought to protect their health and safety. How can schools be hurting students? Schools exist to nurture, protect, and support young people. Yet, after further dialogue, we understand that the statement comes from a perspective that schools are too standardized and rigid to serve the needs of all children. The argument is for more flexibility and personalization. Once we understand the intent of and context for the statement, many of our initial assumptions may be dispelled and we might see the statement in a new light. We may even agree and choose to engage in an exploratory conversation about how schools might be more flexible in response to the wide range of student learning and support needs. Before deciding we know what is intended and what the other person is thinking, we do well to inquire, invite explanation, and open a dialogue. Yet, seeking to understand can be challenging as we often respond emotionally and feel the urge to pushback and defend what we think is counter to our thinking. Of course, choosing to listen and learn can help us to avoid many of the communication missteps and pitfalls that can lead to unwarranted conflict and even embarrassment. When we find ourselves ready to draw conclusions, push back, and dismiss what we hear, we can shift our focus to learning by presenting one or more of the following invitations:

Tell me more… This response “opens the door” for the speaker to explain their meaning and provide context to help us understand what is behind the statement. Often, this simple invitation is enough to clarify the intent behind the words and create an opportunity for a productive dialogue.

Walk me through how you think about… This request invites greater depth of information about how the speaker is “connecting dots” and creating meaning about the topic or issue at hand. What we hear may provide us with key information to probe further or find some common ground upon which we can begin a dialogue.

What has led you to conclude… In this question we are probing what and who has influenced the person’s thinking and led them to the conclusion behind their statement. We may find that some confusion has found its way into their thinking, or someone they trust has told them what to think, even though they have not fully examined the source and implications of what they have said. Conversely, we may find that they have information we do not and that their perspective deserves our closer examination.

What are some examples… This response is often most effective when the statement we hear features generalities and vague accusations. By asking for examples, we can better understand the implications of what is being said. We may also find that the person has no specific examples and is passing along an unverified rumor. This may be a context in which we choose to withhold judgment until we have access to more specifics and clear examples.

Admittedly, it can be difficult to step back and pause when we hear what seem to be untrue and baseless statements. Yet, unless we understand the source and context of these statements, we risk appearing foolish and judgmental. Taking some time to listen and learn can be a valuable investment of our time and attention and build useful important common ground.

February 14, 2022

The Difference Between Being Kind and Being Nice

The terms “nice” and “kind” are often used interchangeably. Both behaviors imply a positive approach and sensitivity to another person. When we were children, our parents often encouraged us to be nice and be kind. We likely never considered whether there is a difference between the two. However, when we think about the intentions associated with these two behaviors, a subtle but important difference begins to emerge. We might say, “He is just being nice.” This statement conveys an implication that what is being said or done is not necessarily based in full honesty and openness. Rather, it is calculated and meant to have the other person feel good, even if the truth or reality is not consistent with the words and actions. Of course, “being nice” can be a way of avoiding conflict or hurt feelings. In some cases, “being nice” may even carry an implication of manipulation. Some “nice” behaviors are really intended to gain agreement or secure permission without justification. Behaviors considered to be “kind” also consider the sentiments and sensitivities of another person. Kindness takes the interests of the other person into consideration but goes beyond solely wanting to make the other person feel good. Kindness includes sharing what another person may need to know or guidance that would be beneficial, including when what is said or done may cause discomfort. Drawing attention to a mistake, pointing out a misstep, or informing of an unanticipated implication can be kind, even though it may lead to awkwardness, or even pain. Of course, there are times and places for both behaviors. Sometimes a less-than-genuine compliment might be permitted. Ignoring a minor misstep may not have long-term consequences. On the other hand, a genuine friend and supportive colleague who has another person’s best interests in mind may face the need to provide uncomfortable feedback or convey disagreement without causing undue embarrassment, offense, or undermining long-term confidence. In our roles as educators, professional colleagues, and leaders, it is important to keep in mind the difference between “being nice” and “being kind.” Sometimes “being nice” can be a thoughtless and cruel act. Failing to be completely honest can lead to consequences as hurtful as being dishonest. At the same time, being direct in our observations and feedback does not mean being rude and hurtful. Kindness is rooted in respect and candor. Thoughtfulness, sensitivity, timing, and understanding are key elements of true kindness. As we make our way through these challenging and often confusing times, we do well to consider the benefits and implications of “being nice” and “being kind.” Being nice might be a preferred choices at times, but kindness never goes out of style.

January 24, 2022

Conquer the Greatest Enemy of Productive Communication: Fear

Communication is the glue that forms and sustains relationships. Communication allows us to address conflicts and engage in collaboration. Communication helps us to make connections and share understanding. Communication helps us to understand and resolve our most vexing problems. To say that communication is the “grease” that keeps our families, communities, and society functioning is not an exaggeration. Yet, communication is not necessarily easy. Despite good intentions, our attempts to communicate can lead to confusion and misunderstanding. Intended messages can be lost in emotion and assumptions. In fact, longstanding feuds have emerged and even wars have been fought because of poor communication. While there are many factors that contribute to effective communication, it has one near universal enemy: fear. When we are fearful, we can find it difficult to listen well. We can make assumptions that interfere with understanding. We can jump to conclusions before the message is even fully delivered. Fear can lead us to plan unwarranted counter attacks and accusations and make conflict even worse. While we may not always be able to eliminate the presence of fear in difficult conversations, there are steps we can take to account for its presence, lessen its impact, and increase the effectiveness of our communication. When we face the prospect of having an important, but potentially contentious conversation, we can use a four-step plan to reduce and counter the presence of fear. First, we can recognize the presence of our fear. When we are fearful about what may lie ahead in a difficult conversation, we can become rigid in our approach and blaming in our message. Rather than planning arguments and counters to what we fear, we can start by reflecting on what is causing it. Once we understand why we are anxious we can ask ourselves questions such as, “What is the worst that can happen?” “What am I trying to accomplish?” And “How can I avoid having my fear get in the way?” Often simply recognizing our fear and its source can lessen our anxiety and reveal ways to avoid having it compromise our communication. Fear tends to lose its power when it is examined and measured. Second, we can think about the conversation from the perspective of the other person or persons who will be involved in the conversation. What fears will they likely be experiencing? How might their fears interfere with their ability to listen and accept messages we want to communicate? When we gain an understanding of the perspective of others, we also can adjust our approach to take their fears into account and address them in our conversation. Third, when we feel we have a reasonable grasp of our fears and the fears the other person might be experiencing, we can develop “talking points” to help us stay focused and not allow our anxiety and fear get in the way. Some people feel more comfortable with a full script for starting the conversation. However, we need to be careful not to have the conversation become stilted and sound as though it is a script. We might start the conversation by providing reassurance about our motivation and intention. For example, we might say, “I know that this is a difficult situation and I want to help.” “I care about you and our relationship and I want to find a way to resolve this issue without damaging our friendship/relationship.” And “I suspect that you may be feeling overwhelmed right now, but I am confident that we can find some ways to make this situation manageable.” Fourth, as the conversation unfolds, we can listen for the presence of fears we had not anticipated. We need to be ready to provide reassurance and explore ways to avoid having these unanticipated fears get in the way of a productive exchange. Sometimes we may even need to ask for help from the other person to find a way to address their assumptions and perceptions. Importantly, our commitment to address the concerns of the other person can lead to greater shared commitment and courage to find solutions that otherwise would not have been possible. Of course, difficult conversations may still require us to address uncomfortable and awkward subjects. However, unless we recognize the role and impact of fear, we may never be able to reach the level of communication necessary for shared understanding and resolution.

November 15, 2021

A Six-Part Strategy for Responding to Verbal Attacks

Experiencing a verbal attack is never pleasant, especially when it is unwarranted and relies on inaccurate information. Unfortunately, it seems that uninformed, anger-driven, highly emotional public outbursts are increasingly common behaviors among those who disagree with decisions, want a change in policy, or otherwise fail to get their way. Of course, there are steps we can take in formal meetings to limit unacceptable behavior, such as establishing norms and expectations and providing strong meeting facilitation. We can also choose not to take what is said personally. The person who launches a personal attack is responsible for their behavior. We do not have to own or accept their emotions or actions. Still, we can feel powerless in the face of such attacks, especially when they occur away from a structured environment. Without thinking, we can respond in ways that make the situation worse. Let’s explore a six-part response strategy we can employ to protect ourselves and avoid escalating the situation. First, we can resist becoming defensive. When we choose a defensive stance, we invite the attacker to counter our response and sustain their attack. We give the other person an easy target for their emotions. Further, when we become defensive, we typically stop listening and ready ourselves to push back. Choosing this stance makes escalation of the situation a predictable outcome. Rather, we can refuse to take the attack personally. What we are hearing may be directed at the position we hold as much as it is at us. Further, even if we have some fault in the situation, it is our behavior that is in question, not who we are as a person. Second, we can affirm the emotions driving the attack without accepting accusations and assumptions behind the attack. We can acknowledge that the other person may be feeling fear, frustration, or confusion, but we need to remain calm and speak firmly. Our best response is to convey respect and caring. As examples, we might say, “I can see that you are upset.” Or, “I can see how that might be frustrating to you.” Third, we can pose questions and collect information that positions the attacker to participate in an interchange that can help us to better understand what is behind the attack. For example, we might inquire about how the situation or decision has an impact on the attacker. We also might ask what positive suggestions the attacker has to resolve the situation. The goal is to have the attacker become a contributor to understanding and resolution rather than continuing to rant. Fourth, where possible, we can reaffirm goals and principles we share with the attacker. If we can establish a connection and lift up shared interests, we move from a position of opposition to one of joint effort and partnership in finding a solution. We may even note past experiences we have shared that demonstrate common interests and efforts. The objective is to move past rhetoric and accusations to understanding, progress, and resolution. Fifth, we can share information we have that might help the attacker better understand the situation, decisions, or other actions we have taken. When presented in the light of shared goals and common principles, background information and supporting rationale for our position or actions can further de-escalate the situation and move the interaction in a productive direction. However, we need to be careful not to attempt to shift blame, or “throw others under the bus” to make us look good or redirect frustrations. Sixth, we can accept responsibility for actions we have taken and, if appropriate, apologize for any missteps or mistakes we made in the situation. The impact of the other five parts to our response will be undermined if we refuse to own our behavior and any impact it has had on the situation. Further, by taking appropriate responsibility we can lay the ground work for a future relationship and greater trust, understanding, and respect if a similar situation occurs in the future. It may not be possible to prevent all verbal attacks. Yet, the way in which we respond to attacks can make a huge difference in what happens next, whether the interchange leads to a positive outcome, and whether the person chooses the same approach in the future.

September 20, 2021

The Master Teacher Blog