The Master Teacher Blog

Despite how positive and optimistic we seek to be, we can find ourselves pulled down by having to listen to what feel like chronic complainers. Regardless of the situation, some people always seem to find something to complain about. They may even appear to be addicted to complaining. Sound familiar? For these people, nothing ever seems good enough, they are quick to find problems, and they often ignore what seem like obvious solutions.

Of course, some complaints are legitimate and deserve consideration and action. We need to be careful to avoid assuming that a complaint coming from a frequent complainer is not worthy and deserving of attention. In these cases, we need to be ready to listen and consider their complaint with an open mind and give it legitimate attention.

However, responding effectively and productively to chronic complainers is not always simple. We hear lots of advice, but it is often contradictory. Some people advise using humor, while others counsel to avoid making light of or discounting concerns. Some suggest pointing out the good things in the complainer’s life or situation, but others counter that with caution to avoid appearing to minimize the significance of the concern. Still others suggest drawing attention to the frequency with which the person complains, but others offer the counter-advice of recognizing that the current complaint may be legitimate.

The best approach, of course, is to consider the complainer and complaints within context. Choosing how to respond depends on what we know about the complainer and complaint, our relationship to the complainer, and the power we may have to do something about the situation. Each of these factors can play a role in the strategy we choose for responding and the results we hope to achieve.

Fortunately, there is a five-step approach to engaging with chronic complainers around which there is broad agreement:

1. We can listen for the need. Complaints can be intended to meet a variety of needs. As we listen, we might ask ourselves: What is driving this complaint? Is the complainer seeking attention? Does the complainer want recognition or to be taken seriously? Or is the complainer looking for a solution and the support to implement it? Understanding what is driving a complaint can provide the insight we need to respond effectively.
2. We need to empathize and acknowledge the concern. We may not agree with the substance of the complaint, but we can recognize how the complainer sees the situation and empathize with how they might feel as a result. Arguing rarely moves the conversation forward or leads to resolution.
3. We can ask what they see as a good solution. We may find that the complainer offers a useful answer to move the situation forward. If we assume that what we are about to hear is just another complaint, we risk missing what could be an important issue to be resolved. If we hear a promising solution, we might ask what the complainer sees as some initial steps toward resolution.
4. If the complainer seems stuck on the complaint, we might nudge the conversation toward solutions and shifting their perspective. We might ask if there is another way to look at the situation. Or we might inquire about what they have tried and what else they have considered.
5. If the conversation seems not to be moving forward, we might ask, “Do you want my advice?” If the complainer is genuinely stuck, they are likely to be open to hear what we might offer. We might suggest some initial steps, share some ideas about who would be able to do something about their complaint, or we might suggest some additional options for them to consider.

The complainer may choose to do nothing to resolve their complaint, but they will have been assured that their concern was heard and taken seriously. Meanwhile, we will have modeled a process that positions the complainer to take responsibility for finding a solution, not just identifying and voicing a complaint.

There may have been a time when parents, family members, and other caregivers deferred to their child’s teacher and trusted that said teacher would do what was necessary to support their child’s learning. Families may have sent their child to school without a specific expectation to hear from the teacher unless there was a problem. However, if they existed, those days are long gone.

Parents and caregivers today expect to be informed. They want to know who we are, how we will support their child, and what we will do to ensure their success. They also seek assurance that we value them and want their involvement. Of course, they also want to hear that we are committed to and enthusiastic about our work.

With this context in mind, taking a proactive approach to communicating with parents is a wise decision. As we approach the beginning of the new year, it would be wise for us to develop and share with parents the information and reassurance they seek while also setting the stage for a strong, positive relationship.

Obviously, we need to share information on beginning-of-school logistics, including schedules, necessary supplies, and other need-to-know information. In addition, we might share with parents several key messages to introduce ourselves and reassure them of our commitment to their child’s success and our readiness to partner with them. Here are five key parent and caregiver messages to consider, modify, and share before the year begins.

I am looking forward to getting to know your child and building a relationship with them. You might discuss the early and ongoing activities you have planned to help their child feel welcome and develop a sense of belonging. Share your anticipation of the opportunity to learn the child’s unique personality, strengths, and interests. Invite parents to share any concerns, advice, and hopes that they believe would be helpful to your getting to know their child and forming a relationship. The invitation might be general and informal, and it may be followed by a survey or, if practical, a conversation with the child’s parents or caregivers.

I look forward to developing a productive partnership with you on your child’s behalf. Note that a crucial component of learning and social success is a sense of shared commitment and expectations among the adults in a child’s life. A strong partnership featuring frequent and timely communication and coordination of effort can make an enormous difference for students, especially when they struggle or lose focus. Provide parents with specific options and opportunities to connect with you. Share examples of when parents can expect to hear from you and what they can do if they have questions, concerns, or need to connect. This also is a good time to highlight school events, opportunities to volunteer, and other avenues for parents to participate as partners in their child’s school life.

I am committed to your child’s success. Be explicit in your commitment to make each day an important experience and step in the child’s learning journey. Emphasize the importance of regular reinforcement of past learning, building learning through the introduction of new concepts and skills, and the crucial role of practice to strengthen and lengthen retention of what is learned. Underscore the importance of the child’s regular attendance to sustain strong relationships with classmates, maintain learning momentum, and build continuity and rhythm in the school experience.

I want to help your child grow intellectually, develop socially, and gain strength of character. Remind them that while formal education is about building academic knowledge and skills, a strong, well-rounded education also helps students to develop and manage relationships with others. Further, for students to make the best use of what they learn, they need to grow their character. Honesty, compassion, fairness, responsibility, and other character elements help students become more than informed and knowledgeable; they become better people.  

I am excited and energized to begin a new learning journey with your child. You cannot know all that lies ahead in the coming months. There will be hours of exhilaration, days of disappointment, and weeks of amazing progress. Yet, with each step in the journey, you will be creating with their child a unique path of learning and growth. You can expect some twists and turns, maybe even a few side trips, but you can assure parents that your focus will remain on building knowledge and skills, nurturing good people, and encouraging their best work.

The beginning of school is an exciting time, but it is also crucial to setting the stage for a successful year. Sharing key messages of reassurance, expectations, and commitment can help us get off to a great start.

Over the course of a school year, we engage with students under a wide variety of circumstances and on an extensive array of topics. There is much we want to say to them—and there is much they need to hear from us. However, there are topics to avoid and statements to refrain from making to and in the presence of students.

Some information is confidential without exception. For example, students’ grades, health information, and other personal information are protected by policy and law. The status of other information may be less clear but still requires sensitivity and judgment. In general, we need to avoid saying things that may be perceived as ignoring boundaries, disclosing confidences, and using words to manipulate student behavior. Doing so can undermine trust in our relationships with students and compromise our professionalism. Here are nine things students should not hear from us.

First, we need to avoid sharing detailed information regarding our personal life. Students do need to feel that they know us and have a context for who we are, but there are limits to what we should discuss. As examples, the stress and status of personal relationships, details of our financial situation, mental health challenges, and personal religious beliefs are best kept out of the classroom and away from students in most circumstances. Sharing excessive personal information with students can create unnecessary confusion and stress.

Second, we also need to refrain from sharing negative remarks and personal opinions of colleagues, including the administration and district. We may have strong feelings about the adults with whom we work. However, if we have issues with other adults that need to be resolved, we need to go to those involved and work out our differences. Students should not be pulled into these conflicts; doing so can undermine students’ confidence and disrupt their relationship with us and other adults.

Third, and related, we must avoid sharing personal opinions about other students. Our words and opinions carry significant weight with students. Implying that another student is lazy or complaining that a student has offended us or does not like us is unprofessional and can undermine the respect of students.

Fourth, we need to avoid saying things that imply that our relationships with students are “on the table.” Our relationships with students matter. When we place them at risk to gain compliance, we introduce uncertainty and undermine the trust students often need in order to risk, persist, and learn with us. We should not be our students’ friend, but we still need to protect our relationship from threat and uncertainty. Children and young people are still learning about relationships, and their experience with adult relationships may be tumultuous and precarious. We need to model consistency and authenticity on which students can depend.

Fifth, we must resist sharing and listening to gossip. Gossip undermines trust and credibility, and it can unwarrantedly harm reputations. When we share or listen to gossip about others, we risk having those who observe our behavior wonder what we may be discussing about them in their absence. Engaging in gossip not only undermines professionalism but also sets a poor example for students.

Sixth, we need to resist making comparisons to other students, especially siblings. Comparisons can place undue and unrealistic pressure on students who follow a sibling “star.” Or, when comparisons are negative, they can set the stage for behavior that is even worse than demonstrated by the comparison sibling. Meanwhile, comparisons to other students in the class can also create unhealthy competition and undermine student relationships.

Seventh, we need to avoid saying things like, “Shut up!” and other emotionally driven words including cursing, yelling, and other forms of disrespectful language. Students may stop their behavior and comply with our direction, but they rarely forget. As the saying goes, “We remember how we are treated long after we forget what happened.” Careless, emotionally driven language undermines our professionalism and diminishes trust in and respect for us.

Eighth, we must avoid making sarcastic remarks about or to students. Students may not understand that what we say is intended to be sarcastic. They may not even know what sarcasm is. However, they are likely to understand that, in response, others are laughing at them. Meanwhile, other students may wonder whether and when they will become the targets of ridicule.

Ninth, we should never make negative predictions about a student’s future. Statements such as “You’ll never amount to anything,” or “There is no way you are going to pass this class,” can have a lifelong impact, even if we do not intend to inflict pain. Of course, a few students may take what is said and use it as motivation to prove us wrong. However, most students have neither the confidence nor maturity to take this path. Students are far more likely to take what we say at face value and carry the hurt and disappointment and even behave in ways consistent with our prediction. Stories abound of adults who recall with specificity the negative statements of teachers or other authoritative adults and how they have diminished their aspirations and accomplishments.

The good news is that there are so many positive, supportive, and encouraging things we can say to students that we need not rely on statements and comments that diminish confidence and undermine respect. Avoiding a few thoughtless phrases and hurtful words can make a big difference.

For the parents and guardians who see their roles as constant monitors, managers, and even intervenors in the lives of their children, the growth in access to technology, social media, and instant communication has accelerated a troubling trend. Terms like “helicopter parenting” and “snowplow parenting” have been used to describe their ultra-high levels of involvement. Now, some parents and guardians are essentially accompanying their child virtually throughout the school day.

Increasingly, teachers are reporting experiences where parents text their child frequently, even hourly, to check on their progress, performance, and mental state. Others describe instances where parents monitor classroom conversations in real time by having their children maintain an open microphone app on their laptop, tablet, or phone. Still others note parents quickly intervening to mediate classroom conflicts and confusion on behalf of their child rather than waiting for or allowing the student to solve challenges on their own. The list could go on.

Obviously, these parent and guardian behaviors are not encouraging the growth of key learning and life management skills their children need to develop. While parents may feel as though they are protecting, they are also depriving their children of experiences and lessons that will become more and more important as they approach adulthood. Additionally, they are adding to the distractions, interruptions, anxiety, and stress students experience throughout the school day.

However, we need to remember that, for the most part, these parents are well-intentioned. They want their children to be successful, after all, and they are investing considerable effort in trying to help their children navigate life. They also may have become accustomed to immediate access to their child during the pandemic and now have difficulty adjusting to the separation their child’s life at school presents.

While some parents embrace the integrated role they are playing in their child’s life and may resist stepping back, others may not even be aware of the potential problems their behavior can create for their child. Consequently, we need to be thoughtful and sensitive in our approach to nudge and coach our students’ parents and guardians.

It is worth our time and effort to help parents understand the potential impact and consequences of their behavior. They may need knowledge, encouragement, and strategies to help them adjust their behavior and allow their child space to experience learning with more independence.

We can start by sharing with parents and guardians the key developmental skills children and adolescents need to develop as they grow. Skills such as problem solving, conflict management, priority setting, time management, planning, and independence require that young people are allowed and supported to experience and learn on their own.

We might share with our students’ guardians the value of learning from mistakes and overcoming missteps. While coaching can be helpful, young people also need to be given opportunities to experience and work through life challenges. Our experience and insights can help parents evaluate the issues their children face and sort those that are normal and will pass from those that will need more attention and support.

We also might share with parents the emotional and psychological consequences of constant communication to and from their children involving routine information. Texts and other communication during times when students should be focused on learning create distractions that undermine learning efforts. Inquiries regarding progress and performance from class to class interrupt the flow of the day and increase levels of stress, and expectations for responses and assessments of how their child’s day is going can elevate the amount of anxiety students experience.

While asking parents to have no communication with their child during the school day may not be realistic, we might suggest a midday check-in. We can advise them to resist texts and other communication while students are in class and focused on learning. If parents have non-urgent information to communicate, they might remove the expectation that their child respond immediately.

We also can reinforce channels and timely schedules for us to communicate information parents may need and want to know so they do not have to rely solely on their child’s interpretation of expectations and events. Meanwhile, we can reaffirm the processes and opportunities available to parents to reach out to us with comments, questions, and concerns.

Obviously, school and school district policies and guidance need to play a role in the approach and strategies we choose. We may not be able to control the behavior of those parents who become overinvolved in the learning and life of their child. However, we can help them to understand the importance of and consequences associated with the parenting behaviors they choose.

Every year presents its own unique challenges and surprises. The next several months of this one will likely not be exceptions to that fact. The fall elections mean that we can expect to hear an abundance of questions and commentary about political issues. In our classrooms, students may raise issues and seek responses. We may be challenged to help students make sense of what they see and hear. There may be times when we cannot avoid discussing what is happening in the world around us. 

We might take the position that political issues do not have a place in school and the classroom. However, refusing to allow consideration of political issues risks not preparing students for life. Our democracy depends on a citizenry that is engaged and can make informed judgements. Some argue that the absence of civic understanding and engagement has led us to where we find ourselves today.  

Fortunately, there are steps we can take and strategies we can employ to help our students—and us—deal with these difficult and often controversial issues. Our advantages can be found in preparation, practice, and positioning before statements are made, questions are asked, or accusations are leveled. The good news is that these same actions can reinforce our efforts with classroom management and maintaining a positive classroom climate in general. Of course, we need to seek and follow any guidance provided by our campus and district leadership and calibrate our approach considering the age and maturity of our students.  

Preparing students BEFORE political issues surface: 

1. Set ground rules for dialogue and debate. Practice with students the processes of engaging in dialogue and participating in productive debate using relevant topics that are not deeply contested or highly political.  

2. Insist on and help students to practice active, respectful, and effective listening. Reinforce the importance of seeking first to understand, then to be understood. Of course, we too need to model readiness to listen, remaining open-minded and responding thoughtfully.  

3. Support students to engage in respectful disagreement while resisting vilification. Just because some people might disagree with us does not mean they are evil. Disagreement in the context of dialogue can even lead to learning.  

4. Teach students the difference between fact and opinion. Emotions can cloud judgment and lead students to make and repeat claims that have no basis in fact. Lessons on fact versus opinion can then lead to lessons about credibility, as the next point will explain. 

5. Design activities to help students recognize credible and reliable information sources. Teach students to analyze information, uncover assumptions, check sources, and look for objective confirmation. Explore with students the importance of facts and evidence over proclamations and accusations.  

Considerations for us WHEN political issues surface: 

1. Adopt a stance of curiosity and inquiry, when appropriate. We might ask, “What leads you to think that?” or “If you had to prove your case in court, what evidence would you present?” Seek evidence and information over assumption and opinion. (If the statement or question appears to solely be intended to shock, provoke, or draw us in, we might invite the student to discuss the topic with us later and sidestep a public confrontation.)  

2. Explore the values that underly the statement or question. Depending on the issue, we might explore the implications of universal values such as honesty, fairness, responsibility, respect for the rights and dignity of all, and equal treatment and opportunity. 

3. If it seems appropriate in the situation and we choose to share our opinion, we can draw on the values that apply to explain our thinking and perspective. In some circumstances, failing to share at least some of our viewpoint can leave students unsure of what we value and wondering about our commitment. The key is to ground what we say in shared values such as honesty, fairness, compassion, responsibility, and justice.  

4. Remember that the audience is not just the students in your class. Emotionally charged topics will be discussed beyond our classroom walls. Students’ friends and family members, as well as our colleagues and administrators, will almost assuredly learn of the discussion. We need to be thoughtful, measured, and intentional in how we handle volatile topics.  

Final thoughts: What message do we send if our students do not have access to our critical thinking, careful analysis, and considered perspective? Will they conclude that we don’t care? Will they assume that what they have heard from others must be correct? Are we being honest with our students if we claim neutrality on important, difficult, and complex issues? Obviously, choosing not to comment, take a position, or respond is a response. 

Educators are often reluctant to call attention to their accomplishments and promote themselves in an overt manner. In fact, we can easily fall into the trap of speaking about ourselves in self-deprecating, critical, and negative ways, thinking that we need to be modest and humble. Yet, doing so can be dangerous to our physical and mental health, and it can undermine our confidence. Consider the words of Bruce Lee: “Don’t speak negatively about yourself, even as a joke. Your body does not know the difference. Words are energy… Change the way you speak about yourself, and you can change your life.”

It makes sense that if speaking negatively about ourselves is harmful, then sharing our skills, accomplishments, and victories should be beneficial. However, this can be tricky. We want to feel comfortable and authentic in our sharing—we need do it right.

Of course, we know the power of self-talk to enhance (or undermine) our emotional, physical, and psychological well-being. However, self-talk by definition does not involve others, so we do not have to worry about what others might think or how they will interpret our words.

When speaking with others, we certainly do not want to be seen as bragging or arrogant. We all know people who seem to be self-promoting on an almost constant basis. They cannot resist telling us about all the great things they have done and how important they are, even after we have stopped listening.

So, how can we share our successes, own our expertise, and improve our well-being without coming off as boasting? Consider these five strategies to leverage opportunities to share our impact and accomplishments.

Accept and respect compliments. Rather than dismissing or discounting the compliments we receive, we can accept and recognize the significance of what we hear. In response we might share our pride in how a project turned out, express pleasure that it was noticed, and even note that we are committed to doing even more. The key is to use the opportunity to own what we have achieved and acknowledge its significance.

Connect your success with others. When sharing a key accomplishment or goal achievement, we can include and give credit to others who also were a part of the effort. By praising the others who were involved, we avoid sounding as though we are bragging about solely ourselves, while still owning our contributions.

Leverage other’s questions. We can respond to a casual question such as “What have you been up to?” or “What’s new?” by sharing something special that we have accomplished, noting a challenge that we have met, or mentioning something significant on which we are working. While these questions may be presented without much thought, they offer important opportunities to share our accomplishments.

Take advantage of conversational context. Often, if we are paying attention, conversations can present us with openings to share our accomplishments and achievements. However, we need to keep our message short and relevant to our audience. Inserting a comment about a recent challenge or key accomplishment can convey the information we want to share without over sharing. If the other person is interested, they likely will ask questions that signal permission to share more.

Create safe conditions for sharing. We can also create opportunities for sharing positive information without awkwardness or embarrassment. For example, we might structure team meetings to begin with individual sharing of good news and recent accomplishments. Not only do these occasions provide opportunities for others to share, but they also open the door for us to add positive comments about our work. As a result, everyone will be more informed and feel better.

Volunteering information about our accomplishments can feel awkward, especially if we are not accustomed to doing so. Yet, others deserve to know the influence we have and the impact we make. Meanwhile, we will be helping to build our confidence and improve our well-being.   

We know that feedback is among the most powerful learning supports we can offer to students. However, students are often reluctant (even resistant) to feedback, as it can feel like criticism, and implementing what they are told may seem as though it is beyond their skills and current capacity.

Consequently, we need to be thoughtful as we plan and deliver feedback to learners. Researchers advise that effective feedback must include five key elements; it must be timely, specific, actionable, objective, and goal focused. Unless feedback comes soon after a learning attempt, students can neglect to do anything with it or forget it entirely. Students also need to know exactly what behavior or actions we are addressing, and they need be able to take meaningful action in response. Effective feedback needs to be free of judgment. Finally, when our feedback is connected to a goal that is meaningful to the student, it is more likely to be accepted and acted on.

Of course, our students themselves play an important role in determining whether the feedback we offer is implemented in a meaningful way. The more often students receive quality feedback, the more open they often are to receiving it. However, we can move this process to the next level by helping students develop mindsets that prepare them to receive and act on feedback.

We might share with students that the highest performers in any profession use feedback to stay at an elite level. For example, the best athletes use feedback to gain an edge on their competition. Accomplished musicians and other artists seek feedback to constantly improve their performance. Successful companies also regularly seek feedback from customers to ensure that their products and services are the best they can be.

However, each of these consumers of feedback have important attitudes or mindsets about feedback that makes what they hear useful and helps them to improve. While the mindsets that high performers have regarding feedback might be slightly different, here are five feedback-leveraging mindsets that we can teach to and coach in our students.

I know that feedback is about my learning; it is not a judgment of me. One of the most challenging aspects of receiving feedback is that it can feel like commentary or criticism about who we are. We need to continually reinforce for students that feedback is intended to help them be successful. We need to be careful to always focus our feedback on the actions or behavior of students, not on their character, personality, or identity.

I can improve regardless of my current performance. Hope and confidence are key success drivers when learning is challenging. This perspective relates to what is called a growth mindset. We can teach students and share research showing that intelligence is not assigned at birth and is not unchangeable, but rather, with practice, effort, and commitment, anyone can improve. Equally important, the more we work to improve, the more progress we see.

I control the strategies and conditions necessary for improving. Learning strategies are key to whether students can effectively use the feedback we offer. We empower learning when we teach students strategies such as retrieval practice, interleaving, concept maps, deliberate and distributed practice, self-testing, and others. The more learning strategies students can tap to support their learning, the better able they are to utilize the feedback they receive.

I use feedback to connect my efforts to my goals. Student goal setting is a powerful tool for helping students to focus their attention and efforts, monitor their progress, and build their confidence. When we connect our feedback to the goals students have set and are working toward, we make their learning more efficient and support them to become increasingly independent learners.

I am empowered to ask questions about and clarify feedback I receive. Students are often reluctant to follow up and ask questions to gain a clear understanding of the feedback they receive. Yet, as students move beyond listening and begin to engage in the content and implications of feedback, they understand more deeply and take greater ownership of their actions. Rarely, if ever, should we provide feedback that is not followed by opportunities for questions and discussion.

Feedback is a powerful learning tool, but students must learn how to think about and use it in order for that feedback to deliver on its potential. These five mindsets are good places to start that process.

There is a surprising amount of confusion about the nature, intent, and effectiveness of feedback and praise. Some people may be providing praise when what is actually needed is feedback. Others may think that they are providing feedback when the content of their communication is really praise.  

A commonly offered differentiation between feedback and praise is that feedback is intended to improve performance while praise is intended to recognize it. In other words, praise faces backward while feedback faces forward. However, this description ignores both the role of feedback in helping students to understand what they did well and the power of praise to influence repetition of valued and desired behavior. Feedback at times may be a non-judgmental description of an action without a specific plan for next steps, and praise can be a straightforward recognition of something done well without an ulterior motive.  

Meanwhile, feedback and praise share some important characteristics. For example, feedback and praise are both most effective when they are specific. Generalized observations make neither feedback nor praise an effective behavioral influence. To have a behavioral impact, both need to focus on factors or behaviors over which the student has control. Focusing on good processes, effort, and choices are factors students can continue to invest in and improve; ability and mere circumstance are not. 

Furthermore, the recipients of feedback and praise can have different needs and may be open to different influences. For example, some people value praise, but only if it is in private. Others appreciate praise most when it is given in the presence of others. Feedback, on the other hand, should almost always be given in private, unless the feedback involves and is intended for an entire group.  

Of course, praise by definition is positive, and feedback can be either positive or negative. Although, it bears noting that the most effective feedback is presented in positive language and focuses on achieving success. Feedback at times will be negative, but too much negative feedback can quickly become overwhelming and block change rather than encourage it. Praise may be countered with criticism, but many experts recommend at least a 4:1 ratio of praise to criticism.  

Of equal importance is how students perceive the feedback or praise they receive. Neither feedback nor praise is effective if students see it as manipulative; that is, intended to serve our interests rather than theirs. They are not likely to respond to praise that is over-the-top positive, nor are they likely to accept feedback that is premised on their having knowledge and skills beyond what they possess.  

So why might this discussion be important? First, we need to recognize that there are times when feedback will be most effective in building understanding and creating a path toward success. It is a transparent, intentional process to support learning and behavioral change. There are other times and circumstances when praise can draw attention, provide reinforcement, and lead to behavioral change without the planning and structure that feedback requires. We need to base our choice on our awareness of circumstances, timing, and knowledge of the student.  

Second, regardless of whether we choose praise or feedback, we need to avoid the pitfalls of generalities, factors beyond learner’s control, and inauthenticity. If our intent is to have our words make an impact, we need to give students information with which they can do something. Of course, if we have no intent beyond communicating our observations, a simple statement may be enough.  

Finally, when employed with thought, sensitivity, and good judgment, feedback and praise can both be powerful tools to support the success of our students. Both actions can give students information they need to build motivation and guide choices and actions. Each can have slightly different purposes and may be delivered in varying contexts. However, both need to be part of our professional repertoire.  

Listening is easily taken for granted. After all, it feels as though we do it almost all the time. Yet, listening is one of the most underrated and underdeveloped skills among professionals—and just about everyone else. Listening is a crucial element in forming relationships, solving problems, making decisions, and performing many other work and life tasks.  

Listening is a near-constant element in our work with students, colleagues, parents, friends, and family. It is worth doing well. However, it is easy to compromise listening effectiveness and ignore key elements of listening that could lead to better communication, stronger relationships, and greater influence on others. Such mistakes can be costly. Here are six facets of deep listening worth heeding.  

Commit to hearing, not just listening. Hearing represents deeper engagement than just receiving and understanding words. Really hearing someone means seeking meaning, implications, and emotions in and behind what they say. We may think that when others are speaking, we are just receiving their message. However, we are likely confirming, rejecting, or leading the speaker to modify the message as we listen. Communication experts say that more than half of communication is transmitted through body language, not through what is spoken. Consequently, even though we may not be speaking, we are still communicating.  

Engage fully. Obviously, we need to put down our phone or anything else that might interrupt or distract us from what is being said. We may think that we are paying full attention, but if we are also doing something else, the message we communicate may be one of less-than-full attention and commitment to the conversation. Equally important, we need to drop our assumptions and set aside our emotions. Perceptions, predictions, and predispositions can color what we hear and how we interpret the message. Only by giving our full attention can we prevent mishearing, misinterpreting, and misfiring in our response. 

Listen to learn. One of the most difficult challenges associated with listening is to avoid forming a comment, defense, solution, or other response while the other person is still speaking. Doing these things risks missing key portions of the message or misinterpreting the intent of what is being said. When we commit to learning from what is said, we are likely to absorb information that will better inform and calibrate our response when it is time to provide one. Of course, if we need some time to formulate a response, we can employ a few seconds of silence and allow the message to settle.  

Repetition is a signal. It is not unusual for people to repeat themselves when reporting an experience, sharing a message, or recounting a conversation. Repetition can be an indication of something important. Sometimes repetition is intended to emphasize something emotional about the message. At other times, repetition is an indication that the speaker is not feeling heard or is feeling that we do not fully understand the implications of what is being said. When we notice repetition, it is worth noting and asking if the speaker wants to say more about that aspect of the message.  

Silence is powerful. Accomplished interviewers and skilled interrogators understand the power of silence. Silence, even for a few seconds, can have a powerful effect on conversations. Silence can be an invitation to continue speaking. It can imply and "give voice,” so to speak, for deep emotion. Silence can even communicate skepticism and doubt. Regardless, most people feel a powerful urge to fill gaps of silence. When we resist the urge to interrupt and are willing to sit quietly, we can often learn far more important information than if we choose to ask an immediate question or offer an immediate response. 

Confirm what is said. The best way to know if we have accurately heard and interpreted what was said is to confirm it with the speaker. Of course, as we confirm, we are also assuring the speaker that we have been listening. Confirmation can take multiple forms. We can confirm what we heard by repeating what was said (“I heard you say…”). We can also summarize what we heard to confirm our understanding of the full message (“In summary, it sounds as though…”). Or we can interpret what we hear to confirm themes and implications (“Would it be correct to interpret what you are saying as…”). 

Listening is one of the most powerful ways to communicate respect. We don’t always have to have answers or guidance to offer. Often, just being willing to listen can make a crucial difference. Practice these six strategies, and you may be amazed at the impact.