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Communication, In Your Corner
A Six-Part Strategy for Responding to Verbal Attacks
Experiencing a verbal attack is never pleasant, especially when it is unwarranted and relies on inaccurate information. Unfortunately, it seems that uninformed, anger-driven, highly emotional public outbursts are increasingly common behaviors among those who disagree with decisions, want a change in policy, or otherwise fail to get their way.
Of course, there are steps we can take in formal meetings to limit unacceptable behavior, such as establishing norms and expectations and providing strong meeting facilitation. We can also choose not to take what is said personally. The person who launches a personal attack is responsible for their behavior. We do not have to own or accept their emotions or actions.
Still, we can feel powerless in the face of such attacks, especially when they occur away from a structured environment. Without thinking, we can respond in ways that make the situation worse. Let’s explore a six-part response strategy we can employ to protect ourselves and avoid escalating the situation.
First, we can resist becoming defensive. When we choose a defensive stance, we invite the attacker to counter our response and sustain their attack. We give the other person an easy target for their emotions. Further, when we become defensive, we typically stop listening and ready ourselves to push back. Choosing this stance makes escalation of the situation a predictable outcome. Rather, we can refuse to take the attack personally. What we are hearing may be directed at the position we hold as much as it is at us. Further, even if we have some fault in the situation, it is our behavior that is in question, not who we are as a person.
Second, we can affirm the emotions driving the attack without accepting accusations and assumptions behind the attack. We can acknowledge that the other person may be feeling fear, frustration, or confusion, but we need to remain calm and speak firmly. Our best response is to convey respect and caring. As examples, we might say, “I can see that you are upset.” Or, “I can see how that might be frustrating to you.”
Third, we can pose questions and collect information that positions the attacker to participate in an interchange that can help us to better understand what is behind the attack. For example, we might inquire about how the situation or decision has an impact on the attacker. We also might ask what positive suggestions the attacker has to resolve the situation. The goal is to have the attacker become a contributor to understanding and resolution rather than continuing to rant.
Fourth, where possible, we can reaffirm goals and principles we share with the attacker. If we can establish a connection and lift up shared interests, we move from a position of opposition to one of joint effort and partnership in finding a solution. We may even note past experiences we have shared that demonstrate common interests and efforts. The objective is to move past rhetoric and accusations to understanding, progress, and resolution.
Fifth, we can share information we have that might help the attacker better understand the situation, decisions, or other actions we have taken. When presented in the light of shared goals and common principles, background information and supporting rationale for our position or actions can further de-escalate the situation and move the interaction in a productive direction. However, we need to be careful not to attempt to shift blame, or “throw others under the bus” to make us look good or redirect frustrations.
Sixth, we can accept responsibility for actions we have taken and, if appropriate, apologize for any missteps or mistakes we made in the situation. The impact of the other five parts to our response will be undermined if we refuse to own our behavior and any impact it has had on the situation. Further, by taking appropriate responsibility we can lay the ground work for a future relationship and greater trust, understanding, and respect if a similar situation occurs in the future.
It may not be possible to prevent all verbal attacks. Yet, the way in which we respond to attacks can make a huge difference in what happens next, whether the interchange leads to a positive outcome, and whether the person chooses the same approach in the future.
In Your Corner, Thinking Frames
Words and Phrases That Can Limit Thinking or Unleash Creativity
Words matter. Yet, their influence on us is often so subtle that we don’t even realize how they may be guiding and limiting our thinking. Without our being conscious of or intentional, the words we choose and the patterns of speech we habitually use can be holding us back, even when we are trying to tap into our spontaneity and creativity. Equally important, if we are unaware of the power of words and their influence on our thought and behavior patterns, they can be inflicting harm and creating barriers to our becoming our best selves and doing our best work.
Of course, there are times and situations in which we need to limit the scope of our thinking and focus on a narrow set of elements and options. However, even at these times it is important that we are aware of the choices we are making and how our words can help us to frame situations and experiences to help us accomplish our goals.
The key is to be intentional about the actions we can take and frame the situation we face with words and phrases that will align our thinking with the outcomes we seek. Let’s explore some examples of when our words can influence our thinking and the actions we take.
Consider the implications of asking “why” versus “why not.” When we ask “why,” we are seeking reasons, rationale, and arguments. When we ask “why not,” we are exploring possibilities, challenging barriers, and questioning common assumptions. Asking “why” assumes a position of inaction while asking “why not” assumes a position of action. John F. Kennedy famously presented this dichotomy in his inaugural speech, claiming the “why not” position for himself and his generation. The so called “greatest generation,” of which Kennedy was a member, leveraged the idea of “why not” to achieve unprecedented progress and success for our nation. Certainly, there are times when asking “why” is appropriate and necessary, but real creativity and smart risk-taking grows out of asking “why not?”
Next, consider the power of focusing on “what could be” rather than “what should be.” When we give our attention to what we should be, or what we should do, we tap into set expectations, we pay attention to established processes and parameters, and we defer to judgements about what is appropriate. Conversely, when we ask “what could be,” we open the doors to a wide range of possibilities, we ignite our imagination, we activate our creativity, and we free ourselves to attempt what may never have been done before. When we are preoccupied with what should be, we are responding to what others think, acting out of fear of not measuring up, and limiting ourselves to what is conventional. There are times when we need to consider and respond to what should be in deference to the situation and how others may be affected. However, real growth, new ideas, creative breakthroughs, and life changing experiences come from asking “what could be?”
Further, consider the difference between describing a situation as a problem versus seeing the situation as an opportunity. Problems exist to be solved and prevented from reoccurring. Opportunities, on the other hand, represent occasions for exploration, inventing, leveraging, and moving forward. Interestingly, the same set of circumstance might be described as either a problem or an opportunity. Yet, the words we choose to define the situation can have a dramatic impact on our thinking, the actions we take, and the outcomes that result from our efforts.
These examples of the power of words and their relationship to our thinking represent crucial insights to how we choose to engage in and respond to our life experiences. In our professional lives, choosing to ask “why not,” exploring “what could be,” and interpreting challenges as opportunities will define the path our careers will take. Teaching and coaching our students to think “why not,” “what could be,” and focusing on opportunities can build lifelong skills and habits that will be transformational. Of course, each of these examples of word and thinking choices can also have important impacts on our personal lives and relationships. What choices will you make?
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