The Master Teacher Blog

The sources of the regrets we experience are many and varied. They can come from spur-of-the-moment actions, such as speaking before thinking or acting in response to out-of-control emotions. They can result from failing to intervene when our actions might have prevented needless hurt or provided needed help. Regret can also grow from life decisions with long-term consequences such as ignoring important factors before making choices, allowing fear and uncertainty to keep us from pursuing an important goal or life opportunity, or failing to recognize the signs and symptoms of an unhealthy relationship. In short, regret can result from both what we do and what we do not do, and it can result in missed opportunities and lead to negative consequences for others and us.

Regret is one of our most frequently felt emotions and can influence our emotional, cognitive, and physical well-being. It can lead to feelings of guilt, disappointment, and helplessness. Regret can also have a negative impact on our physical health through lack of sleep and loss of appetite. Furthermore, regret can even make us vulnerable to illnesses.  

So, what can we do when we experience regret? Here are some steps to consider. 

If it is not too late, we can fix the situation. If we need to apologize, we should do it quickly and sincerely. The sooner we act, the better able we are to prevent ongoing regret. If our regret originates from a life decision, we can examine whether there still are opportunities to change our course and correct the situation. We may regret a decision about the direction of our education, engaging in a relationship, or making a career change; yet, there may remain opportunities to pursue a direction that leads to an equally satisfying outcome. Acting to counter or correct situations causing regret can be the best antidote.  

We can accept our feelings. We may need to give ourselves some time to heal. Meanwhile, we can direct our energy to something productive, and doing so will make us feel good. Creating a distraction can make us less apt to ruminate on our regrets, particularly in the short term.  

When our regret involves a decision pertaining to our life’s direction, we can resist idealizing the path not chosen. Even though we may encounter frustrations and setbacks in the path we have chosen, the path not chosen would likely offer an equal measure of disappointments and struggles. We can also step back and reflect on the information we had at the point of deciding. Realizing that we made the best decision we could have made, considering what we knew at the time, can help us to let go and move forward.  

We can resist making excuses. We may believe that excuses justify our behavior in the eyes of others, but we know better. Excuses do little to improve the situation, and we continue to feel the regret.  

We can forgive ourselves. If we find self-forgiveness too difficult, we can choose to focus elsewhere and to engage in activities that can offer satisfaction and make our lives—and others’ lives—better. We may not be able to change the past, but we can create a future that is more productive, satisfying, and impactful.  

If the source of our regret cannot be rectified, we can focus on what we can learn and how we can avoid repeating the same mistake in the future. A bad choice in the past does not mean we cannot, or will not, make better choices in the future. However, obsessing can compromise our ability to make the best decisions in circumstances we have yet to face.  

We can use the experience to set new goals. How will we respond to similar situations in the future? What can we do to create more positive outcomes with the decisions we make? Setting and working toward worthy goals can offer an effective counterbalance to our regret.  

Over time, our feelings of regret, if handled in a healthy manner, can lead us to better understand why we thought and acted in the way we did. Our insights can lead to less guilt and pain; as a result, we can then gain new insights about how we can better handle similar situations in the future. Additionally, our insights can lead us to be more forgiving of others when their actions result in hurt and disappointment for us. So, while feelings of regret might be inevitable, what steps we take to move past them can ultimately benefit us and those around us and pave the way for growth. 

It may seem like a small thing, but how we choose to respond when we do not fully understand the motivation behind the words and actions of others matters a lot; in fact, it often matters more than we realize. The meaning we assign and interpretation we give to what we do not fully grasp can have major consequences for our relationships, productivity, and happiness. When we assume that the intentions of others are negative, hurtful, or harmful toward us, we can set in motion a negative spiral that leads to misunderstanding, conflict, and mistrust, even when neither party planned—nor would choose—such an outcome. Yet, for most of us, assuming the worst when we do not know or understand the motivation behind the words and actions of others is more common than we might want to admit.  

On the other hand, assuming the positive intentions of others, even when we are not sure of their motivations, can lead to a myriad of positive outcomes. In fact, assuming positive intentions is the first step in building and maintaining trust, whether that be in personal relationships, with colleagues, on teams, or when engaging with strangers.  

Assuming positive intentions: 

• Leads to better, more trusting relationships. 
• Creates better opportunities for understanding and resolving conflicts. 
• Reduces anxiety and stress. 
• Lessens the likelihood of embarrassment and the need for apologies due to misunderstanding. 
• Leads to a better outlook on life. 
• Encourages others to respond with trust. 

So, how can we take advantage of the benefits of assuming positive intentions? Here are five steps to accomplish just that.  

First, we can cultivate the habit of suspending judgement and wait to draw conclusions until we are aware of the full circumstances behind what we hear and observe. When we assume negative motivations or are suspicious of something or someone, we tend to look for “evidence” to support our thinking. Rather than doing that, it is best to begin with a positive, or at least neutral, stance. As a result, we can avoid later having to apologize for our misunderstanding and then backtracking. An added benefit is that a positive stance often leads the other person to be less suspicious and more ready to collaborate. 

Second, we might choose to take a position of curiosity. Start with the question, “I wonder why?” There may be things we do not know or understand. We might ask ourselves questions such as the following: What experience do we have with this person? What reasons might we have to not trust this person? What else might we need to learn?  

Third, we can listen. Our initial goal, after all, is to understand. What do we need to know? We should try to understand the other person’s real motivations. We can listen for the context in which the other person is acting and speaking. What problems or challenges might the other person be facing? What worries and fears might be driving their behavior? 

Fourth, we would do well to share our intentions. Having the other person guess whether we come with positive intentions risks further complicating the situation. When we share our positive intentions toward others, we can lower pressure, openly communicate, and increase understanding. 

Fifth, if we discover the other person’s motives are not positive, then we can respond in an informed and measured way. If someone’s motive is to hurt or take advantage of us, we can respond assertively and take steps to protect ourselves, and we will be doing so with a more accurate understanding of the situation. Regardless, it is important to note that we do not necessarily give up any advantage when we start with the assumptions that the other person’s motives are positive. 

Life is full of faulty assumptions, misunderstandings, and conflicts, and there are few benefits, if any, associated with adding to the challenges life routinely presents to us. Fortunately, when we assume the positive intentions of others, we can sidestep unnecessary pain, embarrassment, and regret, while simultaneously building a path of trust. 

It is hard not to be amazed by what artificial intelligence (AI) can and promises to do. We wonder how much AI will change the ways in which we engage students and support their learning. It seems clear that there will be new opportunities and unexpected challenges as we adjust to this new reality.

However, we need to remember that many of the most important influences we have on students cannot be duplicated by AI—because they are uniquely human. Their power resides in the relationships we build with students, and our relationships with students are among the most powerful influences on students’ choices related to their learning.

Consider that each day we reach out to students to discern their mood, learn what is happening in their lives, and understand how their emotional state may influence their behavior and probable success in upcoming lessons. Here are five of those routine behaviors and the important implications they hold for students and their success.

First, we welcome students at the door with a smile, and we check out their emotional state. Initial contact between students and teachers sets the stage for the learning experience designed for the day. Eye contact and other nonverbal cues can tell us when students will need more attention, some additional space, or have exciting news and experiences they want—and need— to share.

Second, we offer a wink, frown, or raised eyebrow to connect and encourage. We possess a variety of communication tools beyond words. In fact, among the most effective tools for managing the classroom are nonverbal signals, facial expressions, and “looks.” When teachers know their students, they can anticipate what students are likely to do next, “nudge” their behavior, and prevent a variety of behaviors that otherwise might necessitate intervention or redirection.

Third, we offer high-fives and fist-bumps to celebrate or a pat on the arm to comfort and reassure. Physical contact can be a powerful communication tool. Celebrating with students in a moment of success and triumph can reinforce the experience and create a lasting memory. Reassurance and encouragement can also be powerfully communicated by a gentle touch. Of course, physical contact requires sensitivity and thoughtfulness. However, it remains an important way to communicate caring, support, and confidence.

Fourth, we look over a shoulder or stand next to a desk to refocus attention and discourage distractions. Physical proximity can have a significant influence on student behavior. Experienced and insightful teachers for generations have known that moving close to a student can be a reminder of the task at hand and lead to engagement in expected behavior. This move can influence students to shift their behavior or attitude without having to say a word.

Fifth, we send students off with a personalized comment or words of encouragement to carry them through the day or evening. During the time we spend with students, we often learn much about what may be on students’ minds, what may be worrying them, and what they may be looking forward to during the remainder of their day. This information positions us to provide students with specific reassurance, support, and encouragement as they move to their next challenge or experience.

We need to be open and ready to learn how AI can support our work with students. However, we would also do well to remember the power of our connections with students, how we build relationships with them, and how influential we are in nurturing their well-being and success.

The transition from the end of the school year to the beginning of summer can be a good time to pause and take stock of our emotional and mental state. While the past year may have been exhausting, summer can be a time of renewal. We may still have commitments and responsibilities to which we still need to attend, but the shift in routines can offer opportunities to rebuild our energy, replenish our reserves, and ready us for the fall.

However, without some thought and a plan, the summer can slip away without our having taken full advantage of what this time of the year can offer. Now is a good time to think about what will make this summer one that leads to renewal, refocusing, and restoration. One way to approach this opportunity is to think “5-4-3-2-1" to prioritize our planning and give us a focal point. Here is an example we can use to get started.

Make a list of the five things for which you are most grateful. Gratitude is a powerful antidote to many draining and harmful emotions. Even in challenging times, we have much for which we can be grateful. Gratitude focuses our attention and emotions on others and what they mean to us rather than being self-centered. We can review this list periodically during the summer to remind us of what is positive and important in our lives. We may even add items as we become aware of additional people and circumstances for which we can be grateful.

Identify four people with whom you want to connect or reconnect. Summer is a great time to widen our network of friends and expand our relationships. Relationships can also be great sources of support as we navigate uncertain and unpredictable times. We can give priority to the people we find interesting, optimistic, creative, or just fun to be around. Reaching out to an old friend or colleague can restore a connection that has been important to us. Developing new or existing relationships can give access to new ideas, perspectives, and insights.

Decide three things you would like to learn. Learning can be a great energy refresher, especially when what we are learning is our choice and serves purposes important to us. The learning can be personal or professional, or it could be a combination of both. We might choose to learn a skill that leads to a new hobby. We might pursue an area of long-standing interest. We might explore some new technology or develop a new instructional strategy or approach. The key is to stay fresh and enjoy the experience of learning.

Eliminate two sources of stress. Some stressors are beyond our control, and we need to focus on managing how they will impact us. Others are within our control to push aside or remove. As examples, social media accounts that have us “doom scrolling” and news sources that are overly political and negative might be left behind. We can also consider stressors such as unrealistic expectations we hold for ourselves and our inner critic that constantly engages us in negative self-talk. Stressors drain energy and challenge our outlook. Removing even a few negative stressors can make a big difference in our attitude and well-being.

Commit to forming one new habit. By choosing just one, we will be better able to focus on, track, and build success for that habit. For example, we might decide to form an exercise habit. Summer can be a great time to get into a routine that will carry through into the next school year. We might think about routines that can make our lives easier and more manageable, such as tackling the most difficult challenges first or starting each day by doing something that builds energy and gives us satisfaction. Or we might choose something as simple, but important, as having more conversations and dialogue with people we respect and from whom we can learn. The possibilities are endless.

This approach may seem simple—and it is. However, by being intentional and planful with the time we have away from the school year routine, we can restore our energy, rebuild our spirit, and create resources on which we can draw as we approach a new year.

These are weeks of the year when emotions can become intense, and behaviors can challenge our patience. The coming end of the year can raise anxieties about exams, final grades, and other opportunities and consequences in students’ lives. We, too, can experience uncertainties, anxiety, and worry.

How we choose to respond to our emotions and the emotions of students will play a consequential role in how they’ll feel about, behave, and process what happens in the final days and weeks. We can be a stabilizing force or a stimulus for further anxiety and emotional outbursts. Fortunately, this can also be a time for modeling and teaching students how they can gain and maintain control in the face of challenges and disorientation. Here are five statements that we’d be wise to avoid and strategies we can employ to continue to teach and support students as the end of the year approaches.

Don’t worry, you’ll do/be fine. Predicting the future isn’t useful in most circumstances. Students won’t always do or be fine, and they may have solid reasons for being worried. Students are responding to their interpretation of what’s happening. They may feel uncertain, threatened, or worried for reasons that are important to them and unknown to us. A better approach is to help students to understand and develop strategies to deal with their anxiety and worries. As examples, we might ask students to think about what’s worked for them in the past. Or we might ask them what advice they’d give to a friend who was worried about a similar situation.

You need to cheer up/calm down. It usually isn’t helpful to tell students how they should feel. Their emotions are real to them. The problem isn’t their feelings, but what they need to do with them. Our role is to help students learn strategies for dealing with their feelings. As examples, we might teach students self-soothing strategies, such as taking a walk, listening to music, or drawing or writing to express their feelings. Or we might encourage students to engage in mindfulness activities that help them become better aware of, reflect on, and manage how they’re feeling.

Don’t let me see/find/catch you doing that again. While our intent might be to have students not engage in unacceptable behavior, this statement says something different. The message is that students shouldn’t be caught. We don’t want students to focus on not being caught. We want them not to engage in the behavior. A better approach is to help students to understand why the behavior is unacceptable and develop alternative behaviors that help them to be successful through other approaches. For example, rather than telling students not to be caught copying other’s work, we can counsel students on the importance of asking questions, seeking clarification, or otherwise securing assistance that helps them to learn and be successful on their own.

You’re smart/talented/gifted. Praise can be a motivator, but it can also get in the way of learning and success. When we tell students they’re smart, talented, and gifted, students might assume they shouldn’t have to struggle, make mistakes, or seek help. When they find themselves in situations that challenge them, they can worry or assume they’re not as exceptional as our praise indicates. Consequently, they may choose to give up or find other ways to continue to appear intelligent. Our praise can be more helpful and supportive if we focus on the effort and strategies students employ in their learning and work. Effort and strategies are within students’ control while intelligence isn’t.

You’re making me mad/angry/furious. This statement may be intended as a warning to students, but the fact is people don’t “make” others angry or upset. Anger is a reaction that comes from within us. We have the power to determine what we think, how we respond, and how we’ll behave. When we say that someone’s causing our emotions, we deny responsibility for our feelings and behavior. We also risk sending the message to students that they don’t have to take responsibility for their behavior. Rather than blaming students for our emotions, we might say that we disapprove of the behavior, or state that behavior is unacceptable and offer alternative actions they can take that would be acceptable. For example, we might offer to meet with a student privately to discuss the situation.

We can’t avoid many of the emotions that accompany the end of the year. However, we can use this time to teach, coach, and counsel students how to manage what they’re feeling and develop strategies to respond to the challenges they face. Of course, we too can employ these strategies to help us to stay calm, focused, and successful as we negotiate our way to the end of the year, too.

There's much about which we can be confused and uncertain in today’s world. Yet, one thing is clear: Our future depends on a citizenry that possesses the capacity to function successfully in a complex, technological, rapidly changing world. An informed, skilled, and learning-capable citizenry and work force are becoming more important each day. The introduction of and rapid growth in artificial intelligence is just one of many shifts driving rapid and disruptive changes in the workplace. Today’s workplace demands and rewards workers who continue to learn and adjust in response to changing conditions, expectations, and functions.

We need a citizenry with strong learning skills and who value learning as key to their success. Economists and workplace experts point to this challenge with growing urgency and alarm. Consider a sampling of recent voices:

James Bessen, an economist and the executive director of the Technology and Policy Research Initiative at Boston University School of Law notes the importance of workers knowing how to learn rather than any specific skill, as technology related skills constantly change.

Heather McGowan, author of the Fourth Industrial Revolution, advises that schools must focus less on transferring knowledge and more on the ability of independent learning.

The World Economic Forum recently noted that in the 1980’s learned skills had a life cycle of three decades. Today, learned skills have a shelf life of five years.

Kelly Palmer and David Blake, authors of The Expertise Economy, make the argument that credentials no longer hold much importance. Employers seek skills, expertise, and the ability to learn.

Obviously, meeting this challenge is complex and will require significant shifts and realignment in our education system. However, there are actions we can take to increase the focus on learning and development of our students’ learning skills. Here are five steps we can take immediately:

Help students to set learning goals and identify steps and activities to help them reach those goals. Obviously, the goals need to be aligned with identified standards and competencies. But just as practical, the goals need to reflect student commitment more than the assigned goal itself.

Monitor the level of challenge presented for students to ensure success is possible with appropriate focus and effort. It shouldn’t be so easy that it prohibits new learning. Known as the Zone of Proximal Development, the best learning outcomes tend to be generated within this range.

Coach students to reflect as they struggle, make progress, encounter setbacks, and grow. The practice of reflection is among the most powerful learning strategies available. As students become increasingly skilled at reflection, they become increasingly independent learners.

Focus feedback and recognition on the effectiveness of learning strategies and aligned learning effort. Help students understand how their effective strategies and smart effort position them to learn increasingly difficult concepts and skills. Meanwhile, they’ll build confidence in their learning, as well as build tolerance for unsuccessful, initial learning attempts.

Whenever possible, frame new learning in the context of the value and purpose it represents. Purpose drives powerful learning. The more we can connect learning to the value it provides, the more students will come to appreciate learning, and the more likely they’ll choose to continue to learn, even when we aren’t present.

While we work with students to develop the skills necessary to become independent learners, we need to keep in mind that acquiring the skills to learn is only half of the formula for success. Unless students also have the desire to learn, possess the curiosity to learn, and understand the value of learning, the impact of their skills experiences limits. We need to focus our attention, support, and encouragement on the development of both elements in this success equation.

We’ve been concerned about students who engage in physical self-harm for some time. The behavior isn’t new, but it’s expanding in a particularly concerning direction. Over the past few years, researchers have documented an increasing number of cases in which students are engaging in a new form of self-harm: digital self-harm.

As the name implies, students use technology to harm themselves. These young people often establish “ghost” accounts and use them to post mean and hurtful comments about themselves. Like physical self-harm, students report making the posts to cope with pain, gain attention, and blunt the pain of comments they anticipate coming from other adolescents. The messages often serve as invitations for other students to respond with additional negative and disparaging comments.

Several studies show that the number of adolescents engaging in these self-harming behaviors is growing in the aftermath of the pandemic. Estimates are that as many as 10 percent of adolescents have posted something negative or mean about themselves online. Meanwhile, there are statistically significant correlations between students who engage in digital self-harm and other adolescent challenges, including sexual orientation, depression, eating disorders, substance abuse, and in-person and cyber-bullying.

There also appears to be a high correlation between young people who engage in digital self-harm and suicidal thoughts and attempts. Recent research published in the journal Child and Adolescent Mental Health documented that young people who engage in digital self-harm are up to 15 times more likely to attempt suicide than the general adolescent population. For LGBTQ young people, the correlation and associated incidents are even higher.

Of course, physical self-harming behaviors can have serious health consequences in addition to the emotional and psychological pain students experience. While digital self-harming presents less physical evidence, it shouldn’t be treated any less seriously. Regardless of the form of self-harming, the behavior is typically reflective of intense pain and feelings of not being able to cope and can lead to even more destructive behaviors.

The complexity of this behavior also means we must proceed cautiously when dealing with what appears to be cyber-bullying. In some cases, what may appear to be bullying originating from other students may come from the student who appears to be a victim. Understanding the full nature of the situation is important before deciding how to proceed.

Identifying students who may be engaging in digital self-harming is more challenging than identifying those who engage in physical self-harming behaviors alone. There may be little physical evidence, and presence of the behavior may be discovered only in connection with other behaviors and conflicts.

Nevertheless, we can monitor warning signs and symptoms. Of course, the causes behind digital self-harm significantly overlap with physical self-harming behaviors. Among the signs to monitor are:

Self-harming history

Significant depression

Low self-esteem

Struggles with sexual identity

High levels of stress

Significant anxiety

Extreme attention-seeking

Substance abuse

Eating disorders

Traumatic experiences

Research to fully understand the causes and best approaches for dealing with digital self-harm is ongoing. In the meantime, we need to be aware of its existence and be ready to help, support, and refer young people who choose to deal with their pain and distress in this manner.