The Master Teacher Blog

These are times when we might find ourselves feeling as though everything happens in the extreme. We have all been through a lot over the past few years, and the present can feel uncertain, unpredictable, and confusing. Disruption, distraction, and dystopia can overwhelm our emotions and leave us in despair. We may find ourselves expecting only bad news and negative experiences, or we may choose to ignore reality by accepting only positive news and tolerating only optimistic predictions. In short, we can find ourselves embracing the siren of toxic positivity or caught in the grasp of negative bias.

Obviously, maintaining mental balance and practicing sustained emotional health lies between these extremes. At times we may drift toward negativity and feel pessimistic, while at other times we may find ourselves feeling the need to be overly positive and ignore elements of reality that might worry or pull us down. These are natural tendencies. The danger emerges when these attitudes become habits and begin to dominate the way we see and respond to the experiences we have and circumstances we encounter.

While tendencies toward optimism or pessimism may seem to be opposites, they share several important characteristics:

• Both are emotional states. Despite how they may lead us to feel dramatically different, they are mindsets that can become habits. They may reflect how we see life. They may even become part of how people describe our personality.
• Both involve extremes. One is overly optimistic while the other pushes the limits of pessimism. Both can lead us to exaggerate the implications of our experiences and the circumstances in which we find ourselves.
• Both represent a single view of reality. They limit our thinking and drive our focus. Consequently, they can limit the options we consider and steps we might take in response.
• Both grow out of presumptions and perceptions. They are attitudes we embrace that drive our interpretation of reality. Yet, neither toxic positivity nor negativity bias is an accurate assessment of reality.

Recognizing the presence and tendency toward either toxic positivity or negativity bias is an important first step in shifting our thinking and modifying our reaction to what happens to and around us. However, we also need strategies to inform our thinking and responses when we feel ourselves drifting toward extremes. Here are six actions to get started.

Focus on the moment. Allowing the past to overshadow the present can cloud our thinking and limit our options. Fearing the future can paralyze our judgment. Focusing on what is happening and what it means can give us a better understanding and interpretation of the situation or challenge we face.

Recognize emotions for what they are. Emotions are not reality. Rather, they are the result of how we interpret reality. Our biases—whether positive or negative—can get in the way of our thinking and lead us to follow preset thinking paths rather than assessing reality and deciding the best next steps.

Consider how else we might see the circumstance and interpret the experience. Sometimes just recognizing that there are multiple ways to make sense of what is happening can feel empowering and give us better choices in our perspective and response.

Recognize that there is good and bad in every situation. We must accept the full scope of reality, which includes both positive and negative factors. We can choose to view mistakes as reasons for shame or as invitations to learn, and we can decide whether challenges may be seen as problems to be avoided or as opportunities to take advantage of.

Focus on what we can control. In almost every situation or experience, there are elements we can control and those that we cannot. When we become preoccupied or obsessed with what we cannot control, we risk overlooking the tangible, productive steps available to us.

Practice gratitude. When we consider what is good, what we have, and what we can be grateful for, our attention shifts away from negativity without having to insist that everything is or will be perfect.

Emotions can be challenging to recognize, shift, and manage. However, since emotions reside in how we choose to view and interpret experiences and circumstances, we have the power to change them. These six strategies can give us places to start and practices to employ. What other strategies have you found to be useful and effective that you would add to the list?

For many of us, if not most, anxiety can be an enormous life distraction. We can find ourselves spending our time worrying about what lies ahead, doubting whether we will measure up, wondering how we will face a confrontation, or being apprehensive about any of a hundred other challenges life throws our way. Our anxiety might feel like a gnawing sense of concern, or it can feel like an all-consuming worry.

Interestingly, the very presence and level of our anxiety are more likely to be based on our fears and perceptions than on reality. We can easily obsess about a situation that may have few real implications—or none whatsoever. We might constantly replay a situation that is behind us when everyone else has moved on. Or we may catastrophize an outcome that has yet to be determined and will likely not be as bad as we imagine. Fortunately, there are steps and strategies we can employ to counter our anxiety and lessen its weight. Here are seven of the most common anxiety-producing behaviors and practical ways to counter them.

Negative self-talk. Telling ourselves that we are not capable and are likely to fail or otherwise undermining our self-confidence can be especially harmful and anxiety producing. Unfortunately, we may not be fully aware of how negatively we talk to ourselves. Becoming conscious of our self-talk can be an important first step. We also need to remember that our brains pay attention to what is repeated; the more we tell ourselves negative things, the more our brains pay attention to those things.

Counter strategy:

We must pay close attention to what we tell ourselves and consciously shift our negative self-talk to become more positive. Mantras and affirmations can help. The more often we practice speaking positively to ourselves, the less anxiety we generate and must deal with. Of course, speaking positively and confidently about ourselves to others can also be a helpful counter strategy.

Avoidance. If a situation, interaction, or task is creating anxiety for us, we may try to find ways to avoid it. While it may seem that staying away from a circumstance that makes us anxious should make it better, doing so often increases our anxiety. Avoiding a needed conversation, delaying an important decision, or refusing to complete a time-sensitive task can increase our anxiety, while also making the situation worse.

Counter strategy:

Of course, the most direct and obvious counter strategy is to face the situation and get it over with. Usually, the experience is far less negative and uncomfortable than we imagine. Reminding ourselves of situations in the past that we faced and survived, and even succeeded in, can sometimes help. When we need an intermediate step, we might approach the situation incrementally. Breaking a task into parts and completing aspects of the work can be reassuring and diminish our reluctance. Taking the step of scheduling a conversation can give us the courage to go forward. This also is a time when positive self-talk can help us gain the confidence to act.

Either/or thinking. Seeing most things as either good or bad and not recognizing what lies between or what represents the gray area can leave us with little room for nuance and flexibility. Consequently, we can be caught up in reaching extreme conclusions that have no basis. For example, we might overlook a detail in a task, make a mistake in our communication, or misspeak in a presentation, and in response, our either/or thinking leads us to conclude that we are incompetent. Even worse, we worry that others think so, too.

Counter strategy:

The fact is that we all are human. We all make mistakes. Concluding that a misstep is evidence of incompetence is to overlook the reality of life that mistakes may be reminders or opportunities to learn from the experience, but they are rarely not fixable. It is even rarer that are they recalled for very long by others. Life is filled with nuance. Recognizing that most of life exists between the extremes can be reassuring and freeing.

Overthinking. We can become stuck in a loop of replaying our thoughts, reviewing every possible implication from a conversation, or attempting to predict every possible outcome in a situation. Overthinking can magnify issues and divert our energy from places where our thinking might have a useful outcome. As a result, we can find ourselves exhausted, confused, and unable to decide, let go, and move on.

Counter strategy:

Whether we find ourselves replaying an event or situation over in our head or worrying about every possible outcome, we need to recognize what is happening before we can employ a strategy to counter it. Fortunately, there are several steps we can take to counter this tendency. We might set a time limit to avoid being caught in an endless thought loop. We can challenge our thinking by asking ourselves questions such as, “What is the worse probable outcome?” or “Am I blowing this situation out of proportion?” A realistic assessment of the situation can often break the thought pattern. We also might commit to focusing on the elements we can control and then decide what actions to take. Finally, we can accept that imperfection is natural, mistakes will happen, and it is okay to not have all the answers.

Second-guessing. Second-guessing is related to overthinking, but it typically happens after we have reached a decision or taken an action. We may feel uncertain about our choice, wonder if we considered everything, and worry about opportunities we left behind. Our anxiety might be heightened if we gain new information or discover additional implications after having decided.

Counter strategy:

Sometimes we can realize that we did not make the best decision and revisit and change it. However, second guessing is most common when the decision has already been made, and then it is time to move on. Rather than becoming preoccupied by whether we made the right decision, we can focus on the fact that we made the best decision we could with the information we had at the time. Few complex and important decisions are made perfectly. They almost always require trade-offs. Instead of marinating on something we cannot change, we can shift our focus to making the best of the situation. In many circumstances, the value and wisdom of a decision resides more in what we do after the decision than in the decision itself.

Fearing the worst. While waiting to learn an outcome or fearing the arrival of bad news, our anxiety can grow, even though we do not know if what we learn will be negative. Also referred to as catastrophizing, convincing ourselves that the worst will happen and that we will not be able to deal with it can be daunting. The combination of expecting catastrophe and doubting our ability to cope with it can feel overwhelming.

Counter strategy:

Certainly, reminding ourselves that the worst case is only one of the possible outcomes can help us to gain perspective. Resolving ourselves to wait and deal with the outcome when we know it can help. In the meantime, we might consider what we can do and how we might cope should the worst case become reality. Often, it is the unknown and unexamined outcome that is so scary. Developing options and creating plans for what we might do if the worst happens can help us to uncover steps, strategies, and alternatives that reassure and give us confidence that we will survive.

Needing to please others. Preoccupation with what others think about us and feeling that we need to please them in order for them to like us can create an insatiable need that accelerates our anxiety. We can find ourselves parsing other people’s words to find reassurance. Consequently, an off-hand comment or meaningless observation can put us in an unfounded anxious spin.

Counter strategy:

We can start by reminding ourselves that the most important opinion is the opinion we have of ourselves. When we are true to ourselves and make decisions based on our needs, values, and goals, we become more likeable than when we constantly ruminate on the opinions and observations of others. This perspective does not mean that we ignore the needs and perspectives of others. We can care, give, and please others if we do not lose our sense of ourselves. Importantly, in the long term, people with whom we experience the healthiest relationships value who we are, not whether our goal is to please them.

Regardless of its source, anxiety is an uncomfortable feeling and can be a barrier to our best thinking and work. By recognizing the source of our anxiety and taking steps to counter it, we can minimize its impact and find the freedom to be our best selves. Of course, if high levels of anxiety persist and we are unable to let them go, it may be time to seek professional help and support.

We know that trust takes time to build. It also requires experiences—those we share and those we hear from others. Students build a history with us that tells them who we are and whether we can be trusted, and they also tell each other about their experiences and which adults they can trust. In fact, our students usually know much about us, good and bad, before they even enter our classrooms. Of course, not everything students share with each other is accurate, so there are times when we need to build experiences that counter what students expect when they enter our class. At other times, we may benefit from the positive, trust-building experiences past students have had with us.

Beyond taking time to build, trust has multiple dimensions. We might think of trust in broad terms and assume that all trust is the same or that trust in one area means that trust exists elsewhere. Yet, close examination reveals that trust comes in multiple forms and carries varied implications for the relationships we build. The truth is that trust includes dimensions such as the extent to which student can predict how we will act and react in situations, how they can expect to be treated, whether our caring extends to them as a student and as a person, and whether they can depend on us to do what we promise. Let’s explore five crucial areas of trust we need to build and maintain with students if we hope to make a significant and lasting difference in their learning and lives.

First, students want to trust that we are competent. Students depend on us to teach, guide, coach, and support them as they learn. They want assurance that we have the skills, knowledge, experience, and judgment to lead them to success. We build this type of trust by demonstrating our skills and helping students to develop theirs. The processes and procedures we put in place, and the resources we share, reassure students that they can trust what we share, depend on what we advise, and be cautious about what we urge them to avoid.

Second, students want to trust that we will be consistent. They want assurance that they will be treated fairly, regardless of who they are, who their family is, whether they have a history of academic success, or even whether they have had behavior issues in the past. Students also want to know that we have high ethical standards and will be fair and transparent in what we expect and how their progress and performance are evaluated. Further, students need to feel confident that our expectations will remain stable. What we expect one day needs to remain the same the next day. They also seek assurance that we will give their thoughts, ideas, and input the weight and consideration they warrant.

Third, students want assurance that we will follow through when we make a commitment. When we promise to do something, they want to know that we will do it. If we say we will find an answer, complete a task, or secure a resource, students want to be able to depend on us to do just that. If we promise a party or reward for completing a project or achieving a goal, we need to do all that we can to see that it happens. This type of trust also applies to limits we set. If we promise a consequence for unacceptable behavior, students want to know that we will do as we say. Of course, they may try to talk us out of it, but they still want to know that we will follow through with our commitment.

Fourth, students want assurance that we will maintain confidentiality. When students share their secrets, stories, fears, and worries, they want to know that we will not share what they have told us without their knowledge and permission—unless we have no choice as mandatory reporters. Students especially want to be confident that we will not gossip about them or share embarrassing information with colleagues. Above all, students want to know that we will not thoughtlessly hurt them, diminish how others see them, or damage their reputation.

Fifth, students want to be confident in the depth of our caring. Students seek assurance that we care about and know them as individuals. They want reassurance that we will create and maintain an environment that is safe and supportive, free of bullying, discrimination, and harassment. Our patience when students struggle can offer reassurance that we understand that learning can be hard. Similarly, our concern when they hurt can mean more than we imagine.

We need to remember that while trust takes time to build, it can be destroyed in a single minute. When we discover that students believe that we have violated their trust, we need to move quickly to do everything we can to correct or clarify the situation and restore their trust. We don’t have to be strong in every area, but the more ways in which students feel they can trust us, the more they will allow us to influence them—often for a lifetime.

Estimates are that teachers make as many as fifteen hundred student-related decisions per day, more than just about any other profession. Some decisions are routine, while others cannot be anticipated. Some decisions carry little risk and have low impact, where others may carry long-term implications for our students and our relationships with them. Some decisions are accompanied by clear criteria and implications. Others come with limited information and are filled with uncertainty and risk. The result: The number and nature of daily decisions we face can wear us out; this condition is known as decision fatigue.

Unfortunately, decision fatigue can then lead us to make poor decisions. We can fail to fully assess the implications of decisions we make, we may ignore key information that should inform our decisions, or we may choose options that do not align with our goals. We may even put off decisions that should and could be made in real time.

Decision fatigue can also lead to levels of frustration and anger that are disproportionate to the situations we face. We can find ourselves making impulsive decisions we otherwise would resist. We may feel as though we are not capable of recognizing the best choice to make. The bottom line is that we risk not relying on our best judgment when the number of decisions we must make leaves us feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.

Of course, we cannot avoid making decisions entirely, nor should we. The decisions we make determine the nature, direction, and productivity of not only our day, but also the day our students will experience. However, there are steps we can take and strategies we can employ to make our “decision load” more manageable and position us to give greater attention and thought to the most important decisions we make.

First, we can be clear about our values and goals. Many decisions become easy when we consider their impact on our students’ learning and their alignment with our professional practice standards. Unfortunately, when we make decisions in the heat of the moment that are not in the best interests of our students or aligned with our professional commitments, the regret and guilt we feel can add to our frustration and exhaustion.

Second, we can reduce the number of decisions we have to make. We know the value of routines for common processes and procedures in our classes. However, we may be able to expand our use of classroom routines by asking the question: What am I doing that my students can do? By giving students greater responsibility, we can free up time and energy to allocate to higher leverage decisions and activities. Further, when we establish routines for our own time and activities before and after school, we can reduce the number of decisions we have to make when we are feeling stressed or tired.

Third, we can prioritize the decisions we face. Before we begin our day, we might identify the most important decisions we expect to face and give some pre-thought to options and approaches that might lead to the best outcomes. When it is time to decide, we will be better prepared and able to rely less on in-the-moment thinking. Additionally, sorting the decisions we must make can help us to identify decisions that are not important or urgent and can be delayed or avoided.

Fourth, we can develop a process for making common and frequent decisions. We might think about decisions that we face monthly, weekly, or daily and reflect on what has worked in the past, what information we will need to collect, and what options are likely to be available. Not every decision has to be treated as unique. However, we need to be careful not to treat unique situations as routine or we risk ignoring options, missing opportunities, and short-changing students and their learning.

Fifth, we can set deadlines for making difficult decisions. When we face decisions that carry significant consequences, feature multiple options, and lack clear direction, we can be tempted to put off deciding. Consequently, we can spend excessive energy evaluating options even when we have all the information we need or will have to decide. Meanwhile, we have less time and energy to give to other decisions that demand our attention. Establishing a time by which we will decide we can avoid unnecessary procrastination, while giving needed attention to the decision before us.

Sixth, we can commit to taking mental and physical breaks during the day. Even a short walk and some fresh air can replenish our energy and clear our thinking. A brief non-work-related conversation with a colleague can help us to relax and regroup. Momentarily stepping away from the pressure to decide and orchestrate activities can be an effective antidote to decision fatigue.

We may not be able to avoid making hundreds of decisions each day, but we can create routines, processes, and priorities that allow us to better manage the decisions we face. We can also recapture energy and time to make better decisions and avoid becoming overwhelmed and fatigued by those that remain.

Smith, D. D. (2022, August 9). How to make decision fatigue more bearable. Fast Company. https://www.fastcompany.com/90776828/how-to-make-decision-fatigue-more-bearable

At some point in life, we will all face difficult circumstances, some more challenging than others. We may be victims of someone else’s actions. We might have created the situation without even realizing what was happening. Or circumstances may have transpired and conspired to present us with a difficult challenge.

These times can be particularly difficult because, once they are set in motion, it can feel as though we have lost our ability to control what happens next. Yet, close examination almost always reveals that there is more we can do than we initially imagine. In fact, we have available to us a set of superpowers we can engage if we choose to do so.

These elements deserve to be called superpowers because they hold the potential to help us navigate, overcome, and triumph even in what may seem like the darkest, most challenging circumstances. Equally important, they are completely within our control. We just need to employ them. No one can steal or force them from us unless we allow them to do so. Let’s examine these six superpowers and how we can engage them to guide, support, and help ourselves—and others—to prevail during tough times.

Confidence – Confidence is our belief in ourselves and our potential. No one can bestow confidence on us; it is self-generated. Therefore, it is within our control. We may need to reflect on and revisit times in the past when we have faced difficult decisions and challenges and recall past victories. Confidence alone can help us to get started and persist. Sometimes even acting as though we are confident can lead to our feeling more confidence, especially as we start to see progress; sometimes you just need to fake it ‘til you make it, in other words.

Courage – Tough times can be frightening and anxiety inducing. They can lead us to worry about how things might turn out. Yet, in most situations, our fears outpace what reality is likely to create. Sometimes it helps to ask what the worst-case scenario or scenarios might be. What we discover may not be nearly as bad as we fear. Further, if we can manage the worst outcome, we have no reason not to act. Remember, courage is not an absence of fear. Courage is the willingness to act despite fear. One thing is certain: Failing to act means that others will likely decide the future on our behalf.

Commitment – During difficult times it can be tempting to look for ways to exit the situation without seeing it through. Yet, this choice can mean giving up on what is important to us. It can be helpful to revisit why the challenge or goal we face matters. Recalling our why can help us to align our energy and effort with our purpose. If we waiver, we risk reserving energy and options and undermining our success.

Concentration – Difficult times often feature lots of distractions. We can worry about possibilities that sap our energy but remain beyond our control or ability to influence. Sorting and shutting out distractions and distractors can preserve our energy and help us to focus on what matters and what we can control. Identifying and shutting out useless “noise” can make a big difference. This step can also reduce our temptation to engage in second guessing.

Creativity – When we face tough times, we can feel pressure to return to what is familiar and what we have done in the past, even if what we have tried in the past did not work particularly well. These are good times to step back, seek a new perspective, explore possibilities, test and be willing to abandon assumptions and question old beliefs that may be holding us back. In fact, difficult times can be the stimulus for a new direction, new answers, and future success, but only if we are willing to see them as potential opportunities rather than something just to get through.

Compassion – We need to remember that in times of challenge and even chaos, not everything will be perfect. There will be missteps and setbacks. These are natural and often unavoidable elements in the process of finding our way forward. We may become emotional and say things we later regret. We may make decisions and take steps that we later learn are not useful. Rarely are these things unrepairable. We need to resist blaming ourselves or others and be quick to forgive and move on. When others are involved, we can remind ourselves that while they may not fully understand or share our purpose or commitment, that does not make them bad people.

Rarely would we choose to face difficult circumstances and tough times. However, it can be reassuring to know that when these times come along, we have access to an array of superpowers to see us through them.

Adversity is not fun.

It can press and stress us.

It may depress and distress us.

It can even distract and untrack us.

Yet, adversity can also be a gift that lifts us.

It can be the force that strengthens our wills and builds our skills.

It is only natural that we do what we can to avoid difficult times and extraordinary challenges. We try to anticipate and moderate the problems we face, or we may attempt to sidestep conflict altogether. However, adversity is not always something that can—or even should—be avoided.

We may face adversity when a core principle or significant value is at stake. Adversity can emerge in our efforts to defend an object of importance or in our attempts to create something meaningful and lasting. Adversity also often comes in the form of conditions we do not create or are unable to control.

As difficult as adverse conditions and challenges may be, they can also provide amazingly valuable opportunities to learn and grow. Difficulties can present circumstances that enable us to experience our best selves. In fact, adversity might be the impetus to move us from hesitancy to confidence and from moderately skilled to expert.

Interestingly, the natural world offers some excellent metaphors for how experiencing adversity can offer hidden benefits and important opportunities for us to become our best selves. With this in mind, consider the following:

• The water in a mountain stream is fresh and pure because it tumbles over rocks, cascades over falls, and bounces over rapids. The same water caught in a stagnant pool is dark and stale.

Lesson: Facing challenges can keep us fresh and prevent us from becoming stale in our thinking and stagnant in our approaches.

• The brightest diamonds are formed by the greatest, most sustained pressure. Absent the presence of pressure, diamonds remain clumps of carbon.

Lesson: Pressure can be the gift that allows us to shine.

• The brightest lights shine on the darkest nights. On a sunny day, we can easily miss the presence of a strong light, yet the same light can be seen for miles when other sources of light have dimmed or been extinguished.

Lesson: Our work during the most challenging times can offer the greatest hope and make the biggest difference.

• In the face of a storm, domestic cows try to outrun and avoid the rain and wind, whereas buffalo turn into the storm, understanding that facing what is inevitable often makes it pass more quickly.

Lesson: Facing adversity directly can often shorten its duration and diminish its impact.

• Stormy seas make skilled sailors. While sailors might prefer to sail on calm waters, their best skills are developed when the waves are high and the wind is strong. In the absence of adversity, key skills remain undeveloped and untested.

Lesson: Times of adversity are valuable because they create conditions for us to learn and grow.

It is true that adversity is usually not pleasant. Still, it can be important to our growth and the difference we make. Adversity may not be our choice, but it can be our opportunity.

Occasionally, we have all found ourselves in situations wherein we felt manipulated. It may have been a request, an expectation, an insinuation, or something else that left us feeling confused or uncomfortable. Regardless of the specifics, it was generally not a good feeling.

Some manipulation is the result of happenstance and is not intentional. At other times, we might bring the situation on ourselves by failing to be clear or feeling obligated to cooperate. Fortunately, most people do not attempt to manipulate others as their primary approach to relationships.

Yet, there are certainly people who rely on manipulation as a go-to behavior to get what they want. They may be a colleague, student, friend, or even a family member. They reveal themselves through their frequent reliance of any, some, or all the following behaviors:

• Guilting—Making us feel guilty for not cooperating with or volunteering to carry out their wishes or taking responsibility for their emotions.
• Playing the victim—Seeking sympathy and claiming that others are responsible for their problems and feelings.
• Blame-shifting—Claiming that everything bad is someone else’s fault, even when the fault clearly lies with them.
• Lying—Refusing to admit falsehoods even when the evidence is obvious.
• Gaslighting—Raising suspicions about what we know or have experienced, leading us to question our reality.
• Intimidating—Making subtle threats, threatening to exert power, or hinting at consequences if cooperation is not forthcoming.

Unfortunately, regular engagement with emotionally manipulative people can take a significant mental, emotional, and physical toll on us. We can experience depression and anxiety, feel helpless and lack of confidence, and suffer from guilt and shame. We may even engage in unhealthy coping behaviors and suffer from exhaustion.

The good news is that there are several useful strategies we can tap to protect our well-being and manage manipulators and their behavior. Here are seven approaches to help you gain control and remain sane.

Set and enforce emotional boundaries. Be ready for the manipulator to press and test your boundaries. Expect attempts to ridicule and guilt you for not prioritizing the manipulator’s interests and priorities. If pushed, refuse to engage; instead, respond by stating your commitment to prioritizing your well-being.

Refuse to take responsibility for the manipulator’s emotions. Don’t take what the manipulator says personally. Your guilt, shame, and vulnerability are what they crave to be successful. When you break that link, you diminish their power. Their feelings and behavior are their choice, not your responsibility.

Remain calm. When the manipulator attempts to pull you in, refuse to react. Detach emotionally from what the manipulator is saying or doing. When manipulators do not receive the reaction they expect, they often lose interest. If the manipulator persists, you may need to create physical space, including walking away or ending the relationship.

Avoid power struggles. Manipulative people excel at power competition and advantages. They have lots of strategies and are not reluctant to use them, no matter how they may impact you. Resist debating, forget trying to win, and detach from determining who is right or wrong. The manipulator is trying to escalate the situation to achieve an advantage. Don’t take the bait.

Be clear about your needs and expectations. State what you mean in direct terms. Resist sending open-ended messages, invitations, or requests. Vagueness and mixed signals are the manipulator’s playground. They will reinterpret what you said or meant and leave you feeling guilty, regretful, and bewildered. Meanwhile, expect vagueness and mixed signals from the manipulator, often followed by an interpretation that favors what the manipulator wants or expects.

Listen to your intuition. Manipulators can be difficult to spot. They are often friendly, even seemingly genuinely helpful, when it fits their purpose. They may compliment and smother with kindness when they want something. If you find yourself second-guessing your interpretation or feeling “icky” following a conversation or experience, manipulation may have been at play. If something feels manipulative, it probably is.

Tap sources of support. Manipulators often attempt to isolate those whom they are trying to manipulate. Their tactics work best when their intended victims are not testing their experiences against reality or others’ perceptions. Talk to friends, colleagues, or family members about what is happening and get their reactions. If they have experience with the manipulator, they may be able to validate your experience and offer advice. Consider seeking professional help if the situation is becoming serious and you are having difficulty finding a path forward.

Of course, the “through line” for each of these strategies is that we need to take care of ourselves. Self-care is a critical element in successfully countering an emotional manipulator. They depend on others’ emotional and physical exhaustion for their success. But we are not powerless, and we can prevail. Own your own!

Few people are likely to disagree with the observation that the frequency and acceptance of disrespectful behavior has grown. Behavior that used to generate outrage and embarrassment too often feels normalized. Actions and words that were once met with demands for immediate apology and behavior change seemingly barely raise an eyebrow. Even public figures appear to have fewer filters for their speech; cursing, insults, and insinuations are common fare among people whom we used to look to as models of decorum and properness.

Of course, this trend is not confined to adults. “Respect your elders” used to be a common mantra. At one time, “We don’t talk/behave that way” was a powerful admonishment and cause for shame. Unfortunately, for too many young people, models of respectful behavior are scarce or missing, and lessons about proper discourse are absent. Meanwhile, what they observe and experience in daily life presents few boundaries and little guidance for proper behavior.

We might wish that we could wave a magic wand and return to times when respect was a sign of good character and proper upbringing. We might long for days when disrespectful behavior was less frequent and the people who engaged in disrespect understood that their behavior did not reflect well on them. Correction was a matter of pointing out the behavior, not teaching why it was not acceptable.

Nevertheless, we can choose to wring our hands and complain, or we can work to at least improve the level of respect we experience in our work with colleagues, students, and others. Unfortunately, life does not issue magic wands and there is a limit to how much we can control the behavior of others. Any change we want to see must begin with us and what we can control.

The good news is that the behavior we choose in our interactions with others can have a powerful effect on their behavior. If we want to feel more respect from others, we can start by taking these seven actions:

• We can consistently show respect in our attitude, speech, and behavior. People who are respectful almost always experience higher levels of respect from others.
• We can assume respect from others. What we expect influences what we find. If we expect disrespect, we are more likely to interpret undefined behavior as disrespectful.
• When we experience what feels like disrespect, we can choose to remain calm and composed. If the disrespect is intended to stimulate a negative reaction, the purpose will have been thwarted. If we misinterpreted the words or behavior, we will have avoided awkwardness and embarrassment.
• We might refuse to take the other person’s words or behavior personally. In many situations, what feels like disrespect for us is an expression of frustration, the result of a misunderstanding, or a manifestation of confusion. Even if what we experience is intended as disrespect to us, we gain little by making it a personal issue.
• We can set boundaries and expectations with colleagues, students, and others with whom we interact regularly. Boundaries of acceptability are often enough to moderate behavior. Stating that what was said or done feels disrespectful can signal what is and is not acceptable to us.
• We need to reject the disrespectful behavior, not the person. The other person’s behavior is something that can be changed. Regardless of the behavior, the person still has worth. When we reject the person, we risk creating a divide that may make a future relationship difficult, if not impossible.
• We do well to avoid responding with criticism or blame. Focusing on resolution and solutions is not only likely to be more productive in the moment, but our behavior can also leave the door open to address what we see as disrespect later when emotions are under control and a level of trust is present.

In the context of a classroom, we obviously have more influence on what is acceptable through rule setting and behavior management. The seven actions still apply, but some additional steps may be useful:

• We may need to explicitly teach the difference between respect and disrespect and examine the subjectivity behind certain examples of each. In some cases, some students may not be fully aware of how their words and actions impact on others. There are some things that are more generally considered respectful or disrespectful, though, and those more objective examples are worth discussing.
• We can include respect for oneself and others in the expectations we establish for classroom behavior.
• We may need to intervene more directly in response to disrespectful words and actions, but our approach needs to be in private, when possible, and informed by the seven actions presented above.
• We might give students opportunities to build respect for themselves and from their peers. Offering students meaningful choices in their learning, providing leadership roles, and giving students a voice in classroom operation can be good places to start.
• We can increase our influence and reduce the frequency of disrespect by forming strong, consistent, positive relationships with students. Our interest in and caring for our students matter.

This list could go on, but the truth is that our consistent practice of respect for ourselves and others can have a powerful impact on the behavior of those around us.