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Five Secrets for Reaching Hard-to-Reach Students

We know that when we have strong, positive relationships with students they learn more, classroom management is easier, and our work is more rewarding. Fortunately, forming relationships with many students is an easy and even natural process. When we can, we even focus on forming relationships before making our first attempts to teach. However, it is not always easy to draw students into our orbit. Some students may have experiences that make them wary of adult relationships. Other students may be reluctant to engage with us because they have an unfavorable history with the subject we teach and do not want to be vulnerable to failure or embarrassment. Still others may not feel “chemistry” with us and are hesitant to respond to more universal approaches to forming a relationship. Obviously, we need to be thoughtful and sensitive in our approach. We never want to force a relationship. Still, there are steps we can take to assure students that we notice and value them and would welcome a relationship. Here are five actions that can open the door and create an invitation: First, we can create a connection by asking for a favor. This advice may seem counterintuitive. We might think that doing a favor for someone should be a good way to draw them in, but in practice, doing a favor for someone can generate feelings of owing a debt or being manipulated. More than two hundred years ago, Ben Franklin observed the positive impact of asking for a favor as a way of overcoming relationship barriers and building connections. In fact, the practice is often called the Ben Franklin Effect. When we ask someone for a favor, we offer a type of compliment that communicates inherent value and respect for the other person. A second approach is to offer a compliment that draws on the words and perceptions of other people. For example, we might say, “I’m not sure you know this, but I hear from other students/teachers how much they admire your leadership/skills/loyalty.” The effect can be to add weight to our compliment while communicating that we are paying attention to what we hear about the student. We can make the statement even more powerful when we share specific observations and comments from others about the actions of the student, such as how they handled a specific situation or solved a problem. A third option is to share an observation or information related to the student by stating, “I noticed something I think is interesting and wonder if you are aware of it.” Then we might share a unique approach the student uses to respond to questions, solve problems, or relate to other students—or another positive behavior or characteristic. Our message to the student is that they have strengths and talents of which they may be unaware, but they are worthy of our noticing. Fourth, we can show interest, draw out more information from, and build deeper understanding of our students by inviting them to share more about something that interests them. For example, a student may make an observation or offer a comment that appears to have more behind it or reflects a strong feeling. We can follow up by saying, “Please tell me a little more about...” Our invitation for students to tell us more opens the door for them to share information beyond their “headlines.” Their response also may reveal information and feelings that can position us to be more helpful and understanding in response to their interests and needs. Fifth, we can communicate our interest and respect by asking for a student’s perspective on an issue or topic of interest. For example, we might say, “Can I get your opinion on something?” Then we can follow up with a reference to or explanation of the topic or issue about which we would like to learn more. Our question conveys our interest in what the student has to offer and communicates respect for the student’s knowledge, experience, or judgment. We do not always experience immediate connections with every student. Sometimes we need to work at building a relationship. The best place to start is by making certain that students know that we notice them and by expressing interest in what is important to them. Often, these initial steps will be all that is required to jump-start a relationship that will be rewarding to the student and us. Inspiration for the strategies shared in this article come from Murphy, B. (2022, November 26). 12 magic phrases to make people like you more (and end awkward small talk for good). Inc. https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/12-magic-phrases-that-will-make-people-like-you-more-and-end-awkward-small-talk-for-good.html

December 29, 2022

What It Means When Students Call Us “My Teacher”

The shift from us being the teacher formally assigned to a class to students seeing us a “their” teacher happens over time. Small steps, micro-connections, and shared experiences transform our relationships with students from the person who will instruct them to the person who will coach, nurture, and champion their learning. Of course, some aspects of this transformation happen naturally. For many of us and many of our students, this process requires little effort and intentionality. Yet, it is an important process and deserves examination, especially since it does not always happen for every student. A closer look reveals that there are specific actions that teachers who fully achieve the shift from “the teacher” to “my teacher” typically engage in. Here are six behaviors common to teachers who form strong connections with students: These teachers accept students into their classrooms unconditionally. Students do not have to prove themselves. Past behavior and learning histories are not barriers to full membership in the class. Everyone belongs and is treated accordingly. These teachers make a personal connection with students. Smiles are personal and accompanied by eye contact. The teacher notices shifts in mood and changes in appearance. Students feel as though the teacher sees and gets them. When chance encounters happen outside of the classroom, greetings leave students feeling noticed and validated. These teachers give personal attention to their students. They listen carefully and patiently. They send a message of “I want to hear your ideas, your adventures, your observations, and your struggles.” Students feel valued and respected, and they have something worthwhile to offer. These teachers make an emotional investment in their students. They monitor students’ responses to learning tasks and challenges to ensure they are challenged and engaged. These teachers want students to feel safe enough to take learning risks and confident enough to weather learning missteps and setbacks. They know that learning often involves struggle, but with struggle frequently comes success and satisfaction. Worry, wonder, delight, and disappointment are part of the journey. These teachers hold high expectations for their students. They communicate to students that with conscientious effort, smart strategies, and timely support, they can learn at high levels. Their message to students is, “You can do it—and I will help.” They champion learning and celebrate with students when they solve a difficult problem, complete an important project, or reach a new level of learning. These teachers are interested in and concerned about more than the child or young person as a student. They view formal learning in school as a part of who the student is. What happens outside of school is important and connected to learning and behavior in school. They understand that the whole of who the student is matters in their learning and matters in their lives. We may at times take the transition from “the teacher” to “my teacher” for granted. We should not. When students consider us to be “their teacher,” they bestow on us a special honor. We then transform from organizers of routines, keepers of rules, and presenters of content, to mentors, coaches, counselors, and advocates.

August 26, 2022

Positive Student Relationships Help Teachers Too

Recent research at the University of Missouri turns the spotlight regarding the benefits of positive teacher-student relationships from how they benefit students to the benefits they provide to teachers, including how strong student relationships impact their instruction. We have long known the impact of positive teacher-student relationships can have on the learning experiences and achievement of students. However, attention to how teachers benefit from strong, positive relationships with students has been sparse. The new study featured responses from students regarding teacher instructional practices and the strength and nature of their relationships with their teachers. We know that adults often over-estimate student perceptions in areas such as engagement, so understanding the perceptions of students is an important benchmark for documenting any impacts resulting from the nature and strength of teacher-student relationships. The results of the study point to an important teacher behavior associated with forming strong relationships with students. Teachers who were perceived by their students as having strong relationships were more likely to utilize complex, high-impact instructional practices. From one perspective, this information helps to explain a key driver of improved student achievement associated with strong teacher relationships. However, the findings also suggest that teachers who have strong, positive relationships with their students are more confident and may be willing to take risks associated with challenging instructional practices. We might think of this reciprocal interaction as a virtuous cycle. Strong teacher-student relationships make it easier for teachers to use higher impact instructional practices, thus increasing the success of students and further strengthening their relationships. In response, teachers may feel even more confident in expanding their instructional skills and further lifting student learning. The authors of the study also suggest that this virtuous cycle may play a role in reducing teacher burnout as they experience greater success and enjoy strong relationships with their students. Strong relationships are also associated with reductions in misbehavior and higher student engagement, two important counter forces to minimize teacher burnout. Further, the authors speculate that this reciprocal interaction may reduce teacher attrition as they experience professional success and increased satisfaction. Such an outcome is especially important at a time when we face a crucial need to retain skilled teachers, maintain staffing stability, and reestablish momentum as the pandemic subsides. So, what might educational leaders and educators take from this study and its findings? Here are some places to start:

Prioritize forming strong, positive relationships between students and teachers.
Support teachers with time, encouragement, and support to form strong relationships with students.
Provide teachers with access and encouragement to learn and implement complex, high-impact instructional practices.
Support teachers to engage students in providing feedback and problem-solving challenges as new instructional practices are tested and adopted.
Monitor circumstances where teachers are not successfully forming strong, positive relationships with students and provide support as needed and appropriate.
Study whether strong, positive relationships are leading teachers to try increasingly complex, high-impact instructional practices in your setting. If so, learn more about how the shift is initiated and sustained. If not, inquire whether there are barriers or support needs to introducing such instructional practices.

We have long known that strong teacher-student relationship can have important, positive implications for student learning experiences and success. It is helpful to also recognize that these relationships hold benefits for educators. Further, it is heartening to know that the reciprocal nature of these relationships can help both students and teacher to become increasingly successful.

May 02, 2022

Reconnecting With Disconnected Students

One of the most worrisome problems we faced during the spring was the students who disappeared when face-to-face school was suspended. Despite efforts to contact, locate, and engage these students, too many never resurfaced. Predictably, they missed a good portion of learning from the past year. This is bad news, but other aspects of the situation are even more troubling. For many of these students, the shift in school experience gave them an exit door that allowed them to act on preexisting feelings of separation and psychological disconnectedness without having to face immediate consequences. The source of these students’ behavior was not really the pandemic and cancellation of school. It grew out of what was already present in their school experience and absent in their relationship experience. Simply providing support and opportunities to catch up in their learning will not likely solve their problems or change their behavior. These students and others like them need a different experience, stronger connections, and a new direction before their choices about school and learning will change. Fortunately, we know much about what can be done, but our efforts will require commitment, patience, and focus. It is correct that much of this work must occur within the relationships between students and teachers. Yet, our leadership, advocacy, persistence, and accountability in support of these students will likely determine the extent to which many teachers will invest in and persist in engaging them. Everyone needs to hear that we cannot and will not give up on these students. Teachers need to know that we place a priority on the success of students who are disconnecting. We also know that among the strongest driving influences for students to remain in, commit to, and succeed in school are feelings that they are noticed; they are seen and recognized, especially by adults who matter. They need connections with other students and other parts of their lives. They also need to experience some level of success, at least occasionally. These elements need to play a role in the work we all do to address this challenge. Interestingly, these factors are not necessarily expensive to put in place, but if we have any hope of reengaging and finding success with these students, we need to act on them. For example, do we know how many students in our school have no adult with whom they have a relationship, could go to with a problem, or see as an advocate? There are a number of ways to find out. Student surveys, staff analysis, and sociograms are places to start. Making a commitment to have every student know an adult to whom they can turn and who is willing to advocate for them can make a profound difference. We can help students form positive, influential relationships with other students through engagement in activities. Research studies have shown that forming positive peer relationships alone can increase academic success. Traditionally, sports, theater, music, and technology clubs have offered good options for some students. However, if we want more students to choose to be involved, we need to think more broadly and cast a wider net. Esports programs, video game related activities, and engagements related to social issues are just a few examples that can broaden appeal and build connections. Consider asking students what they would like. Listen carefully and find a way to make it happen. The third factor, experiencing some instances of success, also warrants careful consideration and commitment. Think about the number of students who come to school each day and week and fail to experience even one success. The number might be surprising and definitely will be sobering. A recent Gallup study found that one of the most powerful factors leading students to stay in school is experiencing some form of success at least once per week. Of course, not every success must be academic. Being noticed can reinforce our value. Hearing a compliment can lift our spirits. Having friends can feel like we belong. Having someone advocate for us can feel like success. We might think that moving forward on these fronts at this time will be challenging. They will be. Yet, with focused, clear leadership supported by concrete steps, persistence, and unwavering commitment we can make the greatest difference in the lives of our students, especially those who need us the most.

September 21, 2020

Tips for Teachers to Develop Student Relationships Online

One of the most significant struggles teachers reported from their experience with remote learning in the spring was the perception that they were not able to maintain strong relationships with many of their students, which is at the heart and soul of what they do. When teachers have good relationships with students, they feel they can teach them well. When relationships are poor, they fear students will falter. As school opens, many teachers are carrying forward their feelings from the spring and are worried that they will not be able to form strong relationships online. Many also worry that they won’t have enough time with students at the beginning of the year before schools are shut down again and they will be forced to teach online without the necessary knowledge about their students as individuals. These are understandable concerns. Certainly, the abrupt shift to remote instruction came without time to prepare and engage in activities that might have made the transition less stressful and more successful. However, fears that remote instruction or online learning means that strong, positive relationships between teachers and students are not possible are not well-founded. Teachers who have practiced in this space for years have found ways to develop and maintain supportive, influential relationships with their students. In fact, many students with experience in online learning report that they feel they know their teachers better and their teachers know them better than what they experienced in brick and mortar schools. The basics of relationship development are the same whether teachers are working with students in a face-to-face environment or virtually. Getting to know each other matters. Showing interest and developing personal connections make interactions more intimate. Showing respect and concern makes engagement in risk-taking and sharing struggles safer. However, some steps and activities vary between the two contexts. Here are several relationship-building secrets and strategies from veterans of distance learning that you can pass along to your staff:

“Break the ice” by helping students get to know you. A brief introductory video, welcome letters, postcards, emails, and “live chats” are some examples.
Give students opportunities to introduce themselves in a safe and informal context. Phone calls, short surveys, brief autobiographies, and short student-made videos can be good places to start. The information gleaned through these activities can be great conversation starters, content for future examples, and connection builders.
Focus on building relationships during the first few weeks of class. Online games, fun technology tool explorations, and online team building activities can build relationships while also helping students become comfortable with technology tools. They also create shared experiences and grow bonds. Once relationships are in place, everything else becomes easier.
Create time for regular one-on-one check-ins. Students report that these times are particularly valuable because they often occur more frequently than one-on-one conversations in brick and mortar schools.
Always assume the best in student intentions and behavior. The inability to see a student’s nonverbal behavior can lead to confusion about intent and result in negative judgments about behaviors, such as lack of responsiveness. A consistently positive approach can avoid the damage of misunderstandings and negative assumptions.
Schedule frequent, consistent office hours when students can reach you with questions, reach out for guidance, and engage in informal conversation. Be sure to keep these times safe and free from judgment and criticism so students will utilize the opportunities.
When relationships with particular students are slow to develop, do not give up. Persistence and flexibility in approach often pay off handsomely.

August 10, 2020

Make Relationships a Priority in Reopening Plans

There is one truth about which virtually every educator will agree: Schools are more than academic learning. This understanding has been reinforced over the past few months as teachers have struggled to make connections, offer support, and provide guidance to students in a remote environment. It has also played out among adults. Teachers have struggled to remain connected to each other and administrators, and teachers have often felt isolated and unsure of how to connect naturally and authentically while not experiencing physical presence. The truth is that while academic learning is a focal point for schools, relationships provide the “oil and grease” that make learning work for most students. Sharing a breakthough in understanding, offering encouragement to persist, and weathering a difficult emotional time help to solidify relationships and build confidence for the road ahead. Adults in schools thrive in response to relationships and ongoing interactions with students and each other. Relationships make schools into vibrant, resilient communities. Consequently, when the work of building and sustaining relationships is interrupted, we share a sense of loss. Before long the summer will pass, and we will return to some form of school. Admittedly, it may not look and feel like it did before. Still, we must consider and include in return-to-school plans intentional opportunities and supports to renew and rebuild relationships. We need to start this process with adults. Before students return, we can provide activities and opportunities for adults to reconnect, share stories, and renew relationships. Of course, renewing relationships has always been a part of staff and administrators returning from summer and preparing for the start of school. This process will be even more important this year. What lies ahead in the coming year will not necessarily be easy. We need to be ready to support each other. In fact, now is a good time to connect with key members of the school community and invite them to help identify meaningful, authentic ways to focus on relationships, elevate appreciation for their importance, and commit to keeping relationships a priority in the year ahead. Teachers will also need time and encouragement to focus on relationships with students. Many young people have been on difficult journeys over the past several months. Stresses at home, difficulty keeping up, and missing friends and agemates are just a few potential examples. Some may have even experienced serious trauma that needs to be recognized and addressed. This process cannot happen without caring, supportive relationships. Consider blocking out time in schedules, especially early in the year, for teachers to build and rebuild relationships with students. You may even need to design specific activities to support this work and communicate its importance to students and staff. We cannot know what lies ahead in the coming weeks and months, but we know that we all will be more successful if we support each other, can rely on relationships, and are confident that together we will face whatever comes our way. Yet, these connections and reassurances must be formed on the front end, not when times get tough.

July 31, 2020

Share Your Tips & Stories

Share your story and the tips you have for getting through this challenging time. It can remind a fellow school leader of something they forgot, or your example can make a difficult task much easier and allow them to get more done in less time. We may publish your comments.

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